Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. I did well considering everything and had an absolute blast. Here is a pic from the weekend in Baltimore. I went there for the big day at my aunts house. Im the gal with the baby on the left. I love that child to death, Ella, my second cousin.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
I am more then ever ready to come, finances wise not. I have been living on my parents income this whole treatment "chaos blessing" since July. If I was able to fly out I could do so the day before Thanksgiving and fly back either Sunday or Saturday afternoon. I leave impatient on the 13th, back to partial in San Diego (where I was before), and then home for the holidays and begin school in January. I would love to come out there for Thanksgiving, just need to find some funding to do so.
And for a little update:I am doing really well. I am in my weight range and going on passes and exposure outings. I have an understand of how many calories I need to function, and a better belief system over eating on a meal plan, and have gained a batter grasp on how much I don’t need the eating disorder in my life anymore. All good things. The staff are respectful and knowledgeable, and I am enjoying my privileges and recreational therapy (I am allowed to run 30mins twice a week). My favorite part is arts and crafts when I sculpt things from clay.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
I purged my lunch today. I told the staff and she did her job, made me sit down with two cups of ensure at "replace" me. How did I purge in an inpatient hospital? Well normal my door is lock, same with the bathroom door and today a I went to my room hoping it would be the case. Long and behold it was, and the next think I knew I purged and purged again.
I think I am getting over a bug. Some of the gals here are sick. I just have been sleeping a lot lately. And get this... it is now in my doctors orders no sleeping past too. Whops, failed that one. I slept during the community meeting just like I did last night and the move.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
oh geez what a day
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I am consciencely aware in every moment that I am going to be weighed tomorrow morning. Its driving me nuts, its a just a weight i try to tell myself. But i still don't believe it. Half of my self, my wise self wants the number to go up, a lot but a little like a 1lb to a few ounces. That wouldn't be so heart wrenching, unlike the other side of me, my sick disorder half, wants to have my weight maintain or better yet lose weight. I have made a pro and con list in my head about the situation but here are some of my thoughts.
The side of me that wants and or understands the consequences will be if the scale number to be same or higher
- I am here to get better that means I need to gain back or restore an appropriate moment of weight
- I would be closer to my weight range
- Most likely to calorie increase
- If I am 109 and above I have recreational therapy privileges.
- More weight me closer to partial, then closer to home
- I don't want to spend the Holiday's in a hospital
- I am my period back so that I can have babies
- I am afraid of weighing more
- I criticize certain parts of my body even more after weigh days
- Its hard me to face the mirror
- less weight or maintenance means no "rt" privileges
- in inpatient longer
- calories will increase
- temporarily I will feel good about my body and life, but only temporary.
- If my weight goes down, it will be harder for me to eat because the ED thoughts will be super driven saying "stay thin Robin, you cant eat that"
- I would have more ED distortions and voices overall. They seem to come out even stronger around a weight success. The voices declare new and harsh rules I have to ply buy in order to stay and keep losing weight.
- Also, I tend too beat up and criticism by body more so
- my high is only temporarily
- I temporarily love the mirror and then "snap" its not my ally any more
Thats all I can think of for now. But I will wake tomorrow morning, and before I even approach the scale I am going to idetnify and determine how I am feeling. Also I going to stop stressing this weigh in and ruin the rest of my day. Its only 5pm. I have the hole night ahead of me.
Friday, October 9, 2009
A. I didnt get a lot of sleep do to a nightmare that kept attacking at me through out the night. It was about the incident I had with a pseudo boyfriend I was interacting with at the time. He forced me to give him oral sex and swallow. He liked to do things rough when it came to anything sexual. I dont. I mean he would pull my hair and face down on him and would not even like me come up for air. It was awful, and it was something that happened a lot.
B. Today at breakfast I was eating scrambled eggs and for some reason I had a hard time swallowing. The nightmare was still resonating in me. It felt like it was the incident all over again. Being timed when eating, that time pressure. I just wanted the meal to end. I could swallow anymore, so I spit into my cup most of my scrambled egg. The staff didnt notice. But I will process everything and confess later to day. Oddly I am proud that I was able to look deeper and identify when was going on, what I was thinking. Because it was not about the food. It had nothing to do with the food.
C. But in those moments sitting at the breakfast table, I made it about the food, about the portions and my lack of trust in the team when it comes to calories and portions. In that moment when I choose to obey my eating disorder I was distracting from how I was feeling about my nightmare, and my hatred toward that boy, and all the shame that I have about not stopping the boy and not fighting back. In a way, my spitting out food and restricting was really me trying to control the past and get back at him, but really I only hurt myself.
Thats the insight I had this morning. My friend Emily on the phone was really helping. I definitely use talking with others as a healthy coping skill compared to the alternatives like pacing or exercising or purging to numb out my feelings. I am still emotional feeling my nightmare, and I want it to stop and go away. When I pace those emotions go away. I hate remembering. When I remember, I feel disgusting, dirty, inadequate, and all "the should's".
Hope this helps anyone, but it helped me just to write about it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
On to other things, weight. 108.7. This I am ok with. I ate my little granola soy milk with half a banana breakfast with the coffee and water with no problem this morning. Breakfast is usually my easiest of meals. My meals are 450cals each and snacks (which I have twice a day) are 150 calories. I try not to think about it too much, not to dwell on it but thats my reality. Out of the hospital I was eating around 300 calories and purging the rest. Since I have been at UCLA I have not purged, and only had the urge and thought maybe twice. I get to pick what I eat, but I have to get the caloric amount I have been set to by the dietitian. The dietitian has been at UCLA for 30 years. Today I am going to ask my therapist about getting recreational therapy approved. From what I have been told by another patient, during rec therapy i can lift weights go for walks or a short run. Who knows really but anything outside of my unit walls is fantastic. Just this little break I am having now helps, simply writing and emailing or playing a game of online tetris gives me some relief and a little smile.
AWW sweet. the nurse just brought me my nicatine gum. I love that stuff. I never really smoked a bunch, just a little for about 5 months and then I discoverd the gum and I love it more then the cigs! I think I am addicted to the gum now. lol.
signing off- the gleeful robs
Sunday, October 4, 2009
thats all for now. Hope all is well with you, may some peace and serenity find you tonight. Sleep well everyone
Friday, October 2, 2009
So my first night here I had a terrible nightmare. The full on sweats and screaming. A nightmare where you know you are dreaming but for the life of you you get wake yourself up. I dont remember the details of the dream. I only remember the male night staff person waking me up. It was awful.
Things around here are pretty strict but at the same time laid back. I am getting a lot of individual care and attention which I think is going to make this program work for me. I, am trying to take it moment to moment, and nice and slow, at a pace I can handle. Just enjoying my good moments, and riding out the moments that are uncomfortable and uneasy. Like now. I finished breakfast, and am antsy and really really want to go run or sign myself out so I dont have to eat another meal. But I am not going to. So far I am very compliant and am following all the rules and guidelines. As well as being very proactive in my recovery. Its only day 2 but I giving it my best.
Ok, thats all for now. Have a good day at work for those who work, and those who at studying, good luck with classes.. Talk to you later!Love, Robs
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Overall, I am doing alright. Dinner went by ok. Salmon, green beans, and strawberries I skipped the lunch hour because I wasnt checked in yet (ED didnt mind that). They show my weight here. Its part of their phliosohpy. Which... I am actually ok with this. I cant hide from scales forever. 108.4lbs at check in...... ok, ed was PISSED. Thats it! 108.4 Why cant I be skinnier! However, some of the patients here are in bad, bad shape. One has a colonspy bag (her colon removed... think about it!) A bag for her shit... dont know excatlly know the specfics of how that works, but wow.... and another had a heart attack at 19, was in the medical hospital for a month before she came here last week. Again... I am so blessed nothing like that has happened to me. Well... I was in a coma once (aug of 2008 for three days) but that wasnt eating disorder related. But they are scary scary looking, and I dont ever want to look like that. Or be so sick and battling this disorder so long that I have to eat puree food all the time...again gross.
Also, here at UCLA they talk calories. Like I need to pick a 150 cal snack, or so many cals at dinner. So I know excatly how many calories I am consuming.... Only 6 patients here, which is nice, and I see my individual thearpist each day, but offically meet 3 times a week for a session. I think this program is going to be alright for me. Some staff are young but nothing like the other place. And I will get use to everything. I am still feeling overwhelmed and nervous, but doing ok.
thats all for now. later beautys!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I am better today. leave it at that. Yesterday different story. I am on 1:1 or one to one supervision for self harm and eating disorder behaviors. Its intense having someone around all that time, but they bandaged me up and cover and cleaned my wounds. That I am ok with except on my arm. It makes it look worse then it is.
Yesterday was the day 8/17 that I was raped before my 16th birthday. I turn 23 on monday. Through the course of my lise several shitty thigs I have encounter and been through. I wont tell my life story here, I did so already in a group setting. What I will say is that I can get through all this pain and hurt, and one day I will not let the memories and nightmares have so much power of me and my thoguhts and actions. It was really nice to have my indeivial tharpist, who is also the head dirctor of the program, been in the rooma t the same time I told my life story.
I get to go to yoga two times this week. Since I have a one to one, I lost my level 2 privleges, but I did get to go outside for a bit and fed the ferral cats. PS spell cheaker isnt working tonight for some reason.....so I apoliges if words are jumbled and off. I am typing a stream consceince style tonight.
I did like to journal. My blogging so my type of journaling. It just works better for me. I am so anxious and shaky as I type this. I hate that I cant excerise. I am wired otnight. but I think I will take my meds earlyier so that I can sleep. Maybe I will knit some more. Just always having someone around is unerving. Yes it's for my own good but still, must they attend with me to the restroom?
got to go
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
other good news: I have come to accept that I am going to be in inpatient treatment for awhile longer. Probably till the first week of September. That means that I must accept me not doing my internship this fall and having to post pone it, Sucks. But that's reality. I have been given this opportunity to heal and to recovery, and if insurance is paying, I need to take advantage of it. I am going to write my letter to my department supervisor after I finish blogging.
I am dieing to take pics of myself to see what I look like. I know by body has changed. I'm up to 110lbs now, with my ideal goal range of 118-121lbs. So far to ad to the good news is today is the end of day three with 100% eating my meal plan ( no hiding food, or purging). But at the end of the day I cant help but exercise. I try to do at least thirty minutes. I run in my room, jumping jacks, abs, squats, pace around, do arm dips and push ups. But overall, I am improving.
ta ta for now
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
at least I have yoga to look forward too tomorrow
Monday, August 10, 2009
Here are the goals I set for 2009. Lets see how I am doing: yup NONE except the hair has been met
1) Grow out my hair
Still growing, no hair cut in sight... maybe a new hair color, but no length opting
2) Be 100lbs by college spring break
3) Have more patience and tolerance for my family members
Still a work in progress, much improvement I must say
4) No red meat, or pork
I do my best,same with the below
5) No trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, hydronated or partially oils
treatment makes this impossible
6) Save up $3000 in my savings account
Not so well with saving money, binge is expensive, food in general is expensive. Currently I have 78$ in my savings account.
tomorrow is going to be incredible hard. You know what that sad thing about wanting my own room is that I can exercise when i want. I dont like that the room is so small and that ..... Im just pissed I didnt get 108! god damn it. Ok Robin get over it. I am better then to pout over this. But- therapy garble- its ok to feel this emotion and it too shall pass. I dont know what my underline is triggering this current emotion la de da de da. Maybe it wont be so bad. I can try it for a night, but then I can switch to share a room if necessary. Just .. i dunno.
The group is watching "Intervention" on AE right now. I love that show but only the eating disorder episodes.... great ones, but very triggering.
only 25 minutes till I am off my observation. I need to make this program work. I almost was discharged today because of my non compliance and not following the program i.e. excessive pacing, restring, purging, self harm, hiding food, bargaining and not listening to stuff. But like I siad today was a good day. I talked a lot, got to know my peers better and learn that I do really like them, especially when I am struggling. I cant believe I told Cheryl what that I purged.
no they are takling about clothes. I dont even want to think about lciothes, about all the weight I am going to gain, what I wont fit into when i get homw. Now I think I should have goone ohome when I got the chance. Escape while I could . But thats the eating disorder talking. I can see that its yapping at me. But god, I feel so ugly, so hug, so chunky. I see how them tha new admit is and Jen and Elizabeth and my ED is soooo jealous. It makes me want to get better to get out with a discharge that is honaorbale to apporve the team and parents and then come back to a low low weight. Why do I so badly what to be then thin, that sick? I dont understand. I have my changin bpdy. But I guess they are right in that I need to tolerate it. Not agree, I can agree with that voice all i want, but its nesscary that i disobey it.
Alirght I am getting are jarbled and confused. Meds are kicking in. Night ladies
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I did much better eating today, and controling my paceing. I am on the patch now, so no more smoking. I have to an upswing, ore more improvement over the weekend. I need to prove to the treatment team that I trust them and that I mean business. Its just fucking hard. I hate food. I think Im really fat right not. And it didnt help me seeing my weight. My meds are going to change tomorrow. I am sure this will help, but I hate being in a place in my head where I cant make good desisons and I want everything and nothing at the same time. I want to get rid of the eating disorder but not scarfice my body... recovery is going to be a long tough journey, but a much needed nesscary one at that.
Tonight I will try and love myself.
Just keeping thinking of my life goals, and what I really really want. And thats to stop hurting so much on the inside, and stop hurting my family. Stop all my negative beside. I want to be happy and to love myself. I want to simply be ok with myself and enjoy me. I wnat my family to enjoy me, and want to be around me. I want to date Mike, and have a relationship. To trust again. To love again. And to love me. And comparing to others isnt helping... I am to go to my sleeping unit.
With care, Robs
Sunday, August 2, 2009
I am feeling well today, though I am cheating the system, Iplayed sick so tha I could be in another unit whereit was easier to purge. And I purged, and at brekfast I didt eat part of my muffin and got a smaller portion of oatmeal. At lunch I chewed and spit most of my sandwaich. I still need to pce more nad burn more calories. fst..... ok.. next meal...
Saturday, August 1, 2009
peace out you peeps you friends
wish me weight loss with the lax
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
just letting you know I went into inpatient treat 14 days ago, hence the lack of input and posting. I am still alive and well, well.... doing the best I can to managage and cope with what life has handed me right now. This sucks, they had me on a hold for awhile, and now that I an=m volunteary again, I want to sliplt so bad. There is only so much food and thearpy a person can handle.
I have to tell my theaprist something. I fell I ought to but I think they might put on watch again. DO you know how hard it is to admit you have sucidal thoughts? Can anyone realte? OR how to tell someone? YEa....
so i figured out I can get on this site without the interenet blockage I will check back tomorrow or a few days. Hope all is well. By the way my weight is 105lbs! and tye are making me drink suplements... gross and way too fattening.. at leat I am not stealing or binging.... thank goodness for that
be welll yourselves.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
so I am pretty sure I was diagnosed as bipolar today... oh goodie.
I have done an amazing job so far today restricting intake and the urge to binge and purge.
woke up in a funk, went to thearpy, it helped a little so did tyneol and a nap, and coffee
one doc wants me to go inpatient, for safety, but also to be monitored for med maintence and what not. They dont want me offing myself, I dont want that either..
what a day......
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
its 75 degrees out, and I am an hour away from my front door, on July 2nd, in the snow! I love where I live. The road to my hike was closed at the top of Mt. Baker Hwy (right next to the ski resort). Though just a little walk with the dog and the sights, it was well worth it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I am at the university right now. Stalling to say the least. I have a lot to do, and at the same time not oo stress because I dont have a lot to due... at least due tomorrow. The next 3 weeks are going to be a rollar coaster but when June 3rd comes around, ahhhh the relief of being done with spring quarter. Being done with final block, and the knowledge that I will never EVER have to do this quarter again because I am student teaching next quarter and then come Christmas I will be 100% a full accredit teacher with a college degree and still looking hot and sexy, my 23year old self. wow... 23 seems old... we rid to say it out loud, I dont look anything like 23 =)
americanos with sugar free almond and a splash of nonfat milk is my new favorite drink
ok, onward I trek upstairs to do coursework (reading tonight I think, a little practicum prep), maybe a chat with a professor, then hopefully not a too rainy walk to the gym and home, shower and bed...... fingers crossed for no binge purge cycle tonight