Wednesday, September 30, 2009

1st half day back in...

Yes to all, I am once again back in inpatient care. This time a new place. Overall, this is my 4th stay at an inpatient facility. With that being said...

Overall, I am doing alright. Dinner went by ok. Salmon, green beans, and strawberries I skipped the lunch hour because I wasnt checked in yet (ED didnt mind that). They show my weight here. Its part of their phliosohpy. Which... I am actually ok with this. I cant hide from scales forever. 108.4lbs at check in...... ok, ed was PISSED. Thats it! 108.4 Why cant I be skinnier! However, some of the patients here are in bad, bad shape. One has a colonspy bag (her colon removed... think about it!) A bag for her shit... dont know excatlly know the specfics of how that works, but wow.... and another had a heart attack at 19, was in the medical hospital for a month before she came here last week. Again... I am so blessed nothing like that has happened to me. Well... I was in a coma once (aug of 2008 for three days) but that wasnt eating disorder related. But they are scary scary looking, and I dont ever want to look like that. Or be so sick and battling this disorder so long that I have to eat puree food all the time...again gross.

Also, here at UCLA they talk calories. Like I need to pick a 150 cal snack, or so many cals at dinner. So I know excatly how many calories I am consuming.... Only 6 patients here, which is nice, and I see my individual thearpist each day, but offically meet 3 times a week for a session. I think this program is going to be alright for me. Some staff are young but nothing like the other place. And I will get use to everything. I am still feeling overwhelmed and nervous, but doing ok.

thats all for now. later beautys!

Monday, September 28, 2009

ok, so I am going to UCLA impatient on wed. yipp...eee... said with some sarcasm. treatment is soooooo expensive. But it's my life right? I'm worth this, right? OK course I am.. but its still a lot of moollla.

i cant even count the number of times I purged today. too many. But I did keep in the protein smoothie I made, and the frozen yogurt with the fixings. The second is to my disappointment. I was just too late in purging to get it out.

me going back inpatient is a blessing. Not just for the containment of the purging that got out of control but it just shows that under stress what did I do? I went back to purging. There are still issues that need dealt with. And I still need to learn how to eat like a normal person. ANd not binge, and purge, and starve. Or care so darn much about my weight. At UCLA I will get therapy three times a week which I am actually excited about. And its suppose to be an overall round the clock good program. I just hope its not like the other inpatient place where I have gone and the workers are younger then me. and like in their 20's. Grant it I am only 23 but still...

ok, my packing is 95% complete. Just have to load my bathroom stuff. And my car mostly loaded. I have to drive tomorrow morning to LA to pick up my dad, then we hang out at the hotel the rest of the afternoon till wed 8am I am admitted. I'm nervous......

Sunday, September 27, 2009

words for thought

104lbs i think, who knows.

words for thought

I started out this morning all psyched about recovery. Did well and stayed busy up till a hour hour ago. Then i did a mini lunch, plus binge. it was the blue cheese on the salad that did it over my edge. Not sure why. I a was just really eating what a normal meal would be but somehow I made it "too much" in my mind so it had to be purged. And now as I sit here typing, I want more food just to purge it up. I know I am going impatient on wednesday as long as my insurance will cover it, which I am 75% sure it is. Yet I wonder the what ifs. I had been good about not purging up until a week ago. I even spent 16 dollars yesterday on binge food. And ate alone in my car, which I said I wouldn't do. What did I relapse. I think my disease or disorder whatever you like to call it is screaming.. why not, because this is last chance, you are going into the hospital again, you might as well bp. Lose weight. why not, you know you want to. i hate that voice, but its a love hate relationship.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

there's me at my brothers wedding on the far right in the stripe dress. believe it or not I weighed 108.5lbs. I look huge though!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

going back inpatient on Monday

my labs are fine, my blood pressure is low, HR was 82, yet my lack of following a meal plan and restricting, and losing weight has my partial treatment program discharging me to inpatient. I will be attending UCLA 90% sure. I have chatted with them today and everything seems set for monday, UCLA is checking my benefits as we speak. I am hoping to hear from them tomorrow. The sooner the better just so I have plans, something solidifying, so I am not in limbo anymore. This sucks going back. Giving up my liberties once again. This will be number 4 for inpatient "visits."

I knew it was coming. But did I subconsciously make or want this to happen? I am not sure. I think my treatment team thinks that I enjoy being inpatient. Grant it there are some comforts to it, for instance being taken care of, more support, which I need. Did I need to go so far to prove that I am that sick? What am I doing? Why am I still restricting, and playing this eating disorder game. Answers unknown at this moment. I am just typing from the heart (as well as waiting for my whitening teeth strips to be over). My night time meds are kicking in so I am going to retire back to my bedroom. Goodnight my friends

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

i fucking binged and purged twice today in a 3 hour period. no money spent, but I feel like crap. i fucking through myself a pity party. treatment is referring me to higher level of care b/c i am losing weight and not following my meal plan, or rules i guess.

Monday, September 21, 2009

108.5 in the am, and tonight 110lbs, will check again in the am. This scale is a curse. I am compelled to step upon its holiness each morning this past week. And at the same time I am suppose to be embracing recovery. Can I have both? The scale and recovery. I am sure the answer is know but my eating disorder voice screams " you cant give up the scale, how will you know your worth, you, you need it, you depend on it, you love the scale" WRONG. I love the feeling the scale gives me when the number the dial reads is low or lower or no higher than 110. Then I love the beast. Anything else, I detest the beast. Its a love hate relationship. Btw, ED told me not to eat anything more tonight, but I am challenging that voice in me, that nasty nagging voice. As I type I am drinking a supplement shake combo thingy I made, only 180cals but its something. Its something. I have to go back to treatment tomorrow. I am kind of dreading it. I am sure I will get weighed, and I am afraid that I have lost too much weight. I am thinking about cheating my weight, but I am better then that. Do you know I still haven't purged? Yup, true story. Since august 24th of this year. Thats like 30 days? or less, but something like that. I am stoked. I made it the entire weekend, through the wedding rehearsal dinner, and the wedding reception. I opt out of cake, but am ok with that. Today I enjoyed a tiny small bite of dark chocolate fudge. It was very satisfying, but tempting to binge and purge on. But I wont.

ok, im spacing as I zone into the television land of dreaming and fantasy. Its good to be back in la jolla, ca. Back to some "normalcy" alirghty, im heading to bed. night.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

109lbs upon awaking

the sun is sunshine for the wedding today. yesterday it was pouring, but i am in a great mood. Took some anti anxiety meds which are really helping me stay chill and not well.. duh anxious. I haven't eaten anything today, and I better. I think I will make a little oatmeal with fruit and walnuts to tie me over till the family style dinner at the wedding reception. I took a nap while watching some football with the aunt, uncle, and cousins. I am in a chipper mood and ready full be myself today. But food will help. Mostly so I don't let myself be starving for food later and freak myself out.

yay for blue sky. Today is going to be fun. Ill remember to bring the camera. I want pictures to see what I really look like. Some say I am still skinny, but look better than the last wedding two years ago. My weight has been yo yoing for the last three years. Crazy. Im kinda dizzy and blah feeling. Have I mentioned I have quit smoking. For a week now. Except I think I have become addicted to the nicotine gum. I love that stuff. I was really only smoking in the first place to avoid eating and feeling hungry. And for the high and energy splurge. The gum has been giving me a better high... I still need to shower and eat, yet my eating disorder voice, the ed is screaming no food. screaming go measure your waist. Weigh myself again. No food. But I am not going to obey ed in this moment. I am saying no ed. I already weighed myself. And I know my body needs food for functioning, especially on a day like today.

two hours remaining till photo time with the families. Wedding is at 4pm. Then let the dinner frenzy and partying begin.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

whheeee we... weighed in at 111lbs this morning

rehearsal dinner for my brothers wedding is over and done with. And I am back in my bed pretty much safe and sound except for a low grade hunger pain. I know I should have eaten more but was just so darn nervous and it didnt help my case that there were 50 people in my house, most of which are my extended family. I had a blast dont get me wrong, just not the best eating day for me. I had a tall nonfat wet cappuccino this am, 3/4 of a homemade boost shake packed with protein and fiber, lots of diet coke, 3 glasses small of red wine, 3oz of salmon grilled with grilled veggies, and some salad with apple balsamic dressing, and a tiny cut slice of baguette bread... i feel more of my total day calories came from the wine. But it helped take the edge of a little. I made it through though. Without eating a cupcake or nuts. AND NO PURGE. I had strong urges to do so, but i kept them at bay. I am so determined to make it through the weekend without purging.

Now one day down, the wedding is tomorrow, and I have no idea about the food part. I think I can manage. mentally, my restricting today will help me not feel so guilty about eating, and we shall see much I weigh in the am. lol no bm today so I have the number is the same 111 or lower. im praying that its lower but then at the same time, the healthy side of me recognizes I shouldnt be thinking this way.

Before I sleep, it must be sad that my siblings and parents have been amazing so far. Same with the cousin and my aunts. OK, night everyone

Thursday, September 17, 2009

why the hell did I weigh myself today! why why why! it only led me to restrict dinner and then go for a jog later, grant it it was only for 10mins but I am not even suppose to be jogging at all. I walked for a good time too tonight. What provoked me to weight myself. I knew I wasnt going to like the number that the scale read. Of course I am not going to like it. It read 115. On last saturday a scale I stepped on read 110. Now I know all scales are different and I did have meals and ensures and water in me prior to stepping on the scale, but really 115!!! Now it is ever so tempting to step on it in the morning. What if it reads the same..... why oh why did i bring this hell upon myself

At least I am all packed up for my trip back home for my brother wedding. I am nervous but really excited at the same time. I plan on restricting.... that wrong, bad, shouldnt be doing that. But yet my urges are strong. Any advice?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

i really really really don't want to eat my snack tonight. I am having an alright day and yet cant seem to figure out why I am being so triggered and restricting. I cant identify what is is that I am avoiding, or fearing, or not trusting, but I am sure as hell feeling blubberish and fat in this moment. I get weighed tomorrow at my partial treatment outpatient center. If my weight is down I supposedly will be referred to a residential care center or back to impatient. It all really depends on finances and what my insurance will approve of. And then I need to keep the weight and gain over the weekend or again the same threat. I think deep down somewhere in my heart I know I need a higher level of care, but another part inside of me doesn't want to go. Doesn't want to believe it. That part of me says I can buckle down and do this. But at the same time, the disease is hooraying me for losing weight and hooraying me to cheat my weight tomorrow. But thats not going to get me anywhere. Im scared. I am really scared. And I should go and eat more. I should. The infamous phrase "I should..." But really is eating more tonight going to make me gain a lb? No. So the disease in me says restrict. And once again, I obey the eating disorder. I restricted. But only minimally. Is that an ED excuse or forgiveness phrase. I should have done 100% and shown the team, but I didn't. I cant get that part of the day back. Its over and done with and its almost 10pm at night. I even went for a walk today and yesterday to clear my head, and it felt great. But I am so scared about tomorrow. All of the what ifs are racing through my head. And I need to get rid of my case of the "shit's" and the "should's." Its never a nice feeling to should all over yourself. Especially tonight. What's done is done. I can't turn back the last 15 days. Oh how I wish I could.

How am I going to tell my parents. What are they going to say back to me in response? Why wont my tears start flowing as much as I want them too. I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to reject me.

You know I am kinda pissed too. Other individuals in my program are still purging and they arent being sent away to higher level of care. Thats not fair. Why am I getting all the stern talks and speaking toos. He should be sent back to impatient. He is purging. I am not. That I am sooooo stinking proud of. I have not purged since Aug 24, like 20 days now. HOOOORAY for me, but is that good enough for my current treatment team. No. I have to comply with my meal plan and gain alllll this weight. I drink the ensures and cringe, but I do it. Ok sure I played games with it in the beginning but Im not this week of part of last week. I want more time to prove to them I can do this. To prove to myself I can do this. Its really hard though. That disease voice screams in my ear when I leave program. I always have the intention of eating my full exchanges at dinner, and to be honest, I am really bad at eating a snack. But doesn't my efforts and my trying account for anything? I hope so. I really am doing the best that I can. I haven't lied to anyone or manipulate my weight or anything like that. AGain, hooray for me.

ok, sleeping meds are kicking in. Gnight for now. Take care and wish me the best.

Love, R

Saturday, September 12, 2009

a little hello

First, thank you to all who read. Its a great thing to read " you are so inspiring" My goal for blogging is to clear my head, and if to help anyone it helps, even better. I strive to influence others along my journey to life and recovery. I am by no means perfect. I struggle everyday. But thats why I write, why I journal. So that maybe my absurdities can be brought to the open, so that I can have insights myself. I need all the help and support I can get, thats why I write. I am very grateful for all my readers. You teach me.

last purge: Aug. 24th (my 23rd bday),
last binge: July 16th,
last self injury: Aug. 21st,
last drink: July 16th
days following a meal plan:..... honestly I cant remember, because i haven't been. This is where I am struggling the most. With the weight gaining I am suppose to be doing (I have actually been losing weight) and with restricting. The anorexia is really hanging on, this disease is fighting to keep me sick. Restricting is my biggest struggle.

Tools these week: two ensures plus a day with a buddy for accountability, as well as I am only to go on walks with a buddy for 20 minutes 3 times per week.. only 20 minutes! Thats nothing. But its something. So I am grateful. In the past weeks I have not been following my excerise limits. Oh and I am suppose to have a gym buddy so that I don't weigh myself, as well get on the cardio machines. It is soooooo tempting on both accounts.

I have a weekend pass next weekend to go to my brothers wedding. I am stoked, but nervous. What to where? How do I answer my extended family's questions and concerns. I don't even know who all knows about what I have been dealing with, and what's been going on with me over the lat year, in articular over the last two months. Its really none of anyones business but I like the caring and loving individuals show me. What's nice about the weekend, is that its not all about me. Its his and Jenny's day. Not mine. And the truth is probably more like, no one is going to be giving me a thought. Most wont even notice me. At the same time, I wont the how my god you are too skinny comments, and I want to hear the concerns to validate that I am loved and thought of. It's what I think would be called a catch 22. But I want to wear a dress at the wedding that makes me look really skinny. I still think I'm fat. This big piece of blubber.

A new gal is going to be moving in soon, so I am going to hop in the shower to look presentable. Later my peeps,

Sunday, September 6, 2009

UPDATE: I'm out of inpatient

Hi follow bloggers,

I have been neglectful about righting you, but I had some free time this am and I was thinking about you all. Are you ready for the long weekend? I hope that you are well. Currently I am attending a partial program for ED's at Sharp Mesa Vista in San Diego, CA. I am living in a sober living house in La Jolla. I was discharged from BHC Alhambra last sunday. Partial has been a struggle with restricting, but I am happy to report that I am 14 days purge free. And binge free since July 16th. And I have yet to buy a scale, though I am the urge to do so is a daily battle.
Inpatient I was able to get away with a lot, probably not my best choice to attend that facility, but I learned a lot about myself. I am back on meds and no longer have the thoughts about hurting myself. Depression and anxiety are still present but manageable. I sure gave them a show for the first couple of weeks, but then surrendered. My triggers are somewhat manageable, or at least I have gained a vast awareness of what triggers me. My emotions are very vibrant which I think has been the biggest challenge to recovery. Letting the tears roll freely, and feeling my anger at the surface and not reacting to the anger I feel impulsively or by hurting myself either through self harm or purging. Like I said, restricting these days are my hardest challenge, and the body image. I am still on a restoration meal plan with two supplements a day. Accepting that I am still gaining weight, especially now that I am partial, is another daily battle, almost hourly battle. I just take it one meal, one snack, one hour at a time.
Living only two blocks away from the beach has been fantastic in terms of relaxing and self soothing but not helpful with the beach full of runners and bikinis. My roommate at the sober house is awesome. We hang out, chat, and comfort each other. She is significantly older, but we relate a lot and are very open with one another. My house is full of optimism and life, a very positive space and I am grateful to my parents for funding me to stay here. I am loaning money from my folks for the rent, and the co-pays for treatment.
My dad has been amazing throughout this whole adventure. He has gone beyond my wildest expectations of our relationship. He visited me while impatient, and drove down when I discharged so that I could have a car and to assist with my transition to partial. I will admit I am extremely lonely, and during most hours I feel hopeless. Like "why am I doing this? I am going to fail anyways? Why am I making myself so uncomfortable, when I can just lose weight and feel better?" Then I remind myself I want to get back to my great therapist Jeanne (yay!), and complete my degree (I go back in Jan.) I want to attend my brothers wedding thats coming up in a few weeks, and I want to be healthy for my older sisters wedding that happening next year. She even asked me to be her maid of honor with Jill (the younger sister). And I simply want to keep this happiness.
As of now, if all stays on track, I should be done with partial mid october. My plan is to return to my parents at that time and complete IOP with the Moore Center. After that, I will return to school and complete my internship and graduate.

Well thats all for now. Again, I hope that everything is well and peachy with you.
Take care,