a little hello

First, thank you to all who read. Its a great thing to read " you are so inspiring" My goal for blogging is to clear my head, and if to help anyone it helps, even better. I strive to influence others along my journey to life and recovery. I am by no means perfect. I struggle everyday. But thats why I write, why I journal. So that maybe my absurdities can be brought to the open, so that I can have insights myself. I need all the help and support I can get, thats why I write. I am very grateful for all my readers. You teach me.

Anyways-

last purge: Aug. 24th (my 23rd bday),

last binge: July 16th,

last self injury: Aug. 21st,

last drink: July 16th

days following a meal plan:..... honestly I cant remember, because i haven't been. This is where I am struggling the most. With the weight gaining I am suppose to be doing (I have actually been losing weight) and with restricting. The anorexia is really hanging on, this disease is fighting to keep me sick. Restricting is my biggest struggle.

Tools these week: two ensures plus a day with a buddy for accountability, as well as I am only to go on walks with a buddy for 20 minutes 3 times per week.. only 20 minutes! Thats nothing. But its something. So I am grateful. In the past weeks I have not been following my excerise limits. Oh and I am suppose to have a gym buddy so that I don't weigh myself, as well get on the cardio machines. It is soooooo tempting on both accounts.

I have a weekend pass next weekend to go to my brothers wedding. I am stoked, but nervous. What to where? How do I answer my extended family's questions and concerns. I don't even know who all knows about what I have been dealing with, and what's been going on with me over the lat year, in articular over the last two months. Its really none of anyones business but I like the caring and loving individuals show me. What's nice about the weekend, is that its not all about me. Its his and Jenny's day. Not mine. And the truth is probably more like, no one is going to be giving me a thought. Most wont even notice me. At the same time, I wont the how my god you are too skinny comments, and I want to hear the concerns to validate that I am loved and thought of. It's what I think would be called a catch 22. But I want to wear a dress at the wedding that makes me look really skinny. I still think I'm fat. This big piece of blubber.

A new gal is going to be moving in soon, so I am going to hop in the shower to look presentable. Later my peeps,

R