Wednesday, April 29, 2009
....life...It really is though, life should be all about the little moments, the little successes. Without them, one cant even get to the big stuff. If I cant enjoy the little parts of my life and day, then there is no way I will be able to enjoy all my wants, hopes, and dreams.
Nick compliments me all the time. How much he loves my little body, my booty, how I'm sweet and beautiful, and damn sexy. His words, not mine. haha. I love it, and I say thank you. I have been working on in those moments to hear him and take it, and enjoy it.
When he gives those compliments, to start taking everything he says and flip it to a negative. Or, "he is just lying". Over analyzing the compliments. Or saying negative things about my body right after he flatters me.
I was talking with my teacher/mentor. And I said something for the first time that wasn't full of crap or fake. And it surprised me. I was honest, I was honest! With myself first, and with her. What I said? That I really hate my life. But it was more then the words leaving my lips, it was the way, the whole body language and intonation. I am glad I said it, to have put it out in the open how I hate my life...
I can say whatever I what, it comes down to the action part. And we all know action is hard. And its a long journey that can be uncomfortable. But I guess its what we do with the discomfort, how we react and our actions that demonstrate out will power and internal strength. It is all about choice. For some reason, this little awareness is comforting me this morning as I type.
I have been really beating myself up internally, and it is taking a toll. Like I said I am not enjoy life and I want to. And at what cost? I am in the process of re-prioritizing.
and weight is still not low enough, acceptable enough for me... conundrum
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I am however between 111 and 113lbs.. and for today, I am ok with that. Happy Easter, btw. I am not religious, but I respect others. I just think every holiday has turned into a pig out festival, just an excuse to eat, and to eat candy of all things. Really, holidays in the states is just an excuse to binge, to gorge, to stuff ourselves. Granted, time with family and friends are great reasons.. but why all the food.
I have to head to work in a bit so my post is short. I managed to not sleep my day away and I completed some assignments. Its all about the little things, the little accomplishments. Like I made my bed, showered, dressed, and I did get some assignments completed and items on my to do list crossed off. I will go to work and earn some much needed cash and I cant not change time flowing and the day ending. Despite my efforts, tomorrow will still come. I will be busy. Thats life. The business of life will never end, there will always be something that needs to be completed and deadlines will always exist. But today.. for today, I am going to be ok. I am going to do what I can in the moment as they present themselves. And I will try to laugh some, and smile some, and just be blessed with what I do have.
I have breathe, and I am able to take care of myself in ways my residents cant. I have speech, and legs, and can feed myself. I have family, even if it may be dysfunctional, my dad still called me today and thought of me. My dad took time out of his day to say hello and love you and the family is thinking of you this Easter. Great. I will take it.
SO what if I did a mini binge this morning. Its ok. I am over it. I am not going to dwell on things right now. I cant handle it, and it makes life miserable. I am too young to "dwell" on the small things. AND I AM IN NO WAY giving others permission to engage in unhealthy behaviors, I am just saying I acknowledge that I screwed up but that I am going to move on and make better choices in my day. OR at least try to make better choices. I am saying the past is the past. It is what it is. I cant change what has already happened. So I will move on. I will take a deep breath and continue on with my day.
Tomorrow will come, and the sun will rise once again. Monday will always come after Sunday, and I will take comfort in this.
wow... guess I had more on my mind then I thought.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
this one teacher of mine is just the best. I cant believe I tell her all that I do. After class today, she and I talked for over an hour. We laugh, have heart to hearts, I cry, she gives advice, we hug, and sooner or later I always get an encouraging email from her.
i went for a 27min run in the glorious sun. I was going to bike, but teach talked me out of it. So i called katie, went for a drive and then ended over at Nicks fir a short visit...me rant and vent with a cuddle. perfect
I have a lot of negative things to say about my day and myself, but if I focus on that, I will end up in a way worse mood. Besides, its not pleasant to think about how much of a screw up I am right before bed.
I get to start teaching again tomorrow! yay for that! but nerve wreaking, let the heavy school course load begin! oh man I just want this week to be over, its not a typical week. Next week I will be able to work out more and have an actual schedule for school, work, and life. This week between classes I am training at work and earning my certificate. Quite the balancing act. I hope I make it without a major breakdown... I am so sick of tears.. does anyone else cry when they get their period? I cry because I know I have enough fat on me to even get one...
Monday, April 6, 2009
does anyone know how to get adderal?
I am now on my second laptop with a third hard drive..... I am awful stressed and freaked out.... no biggy
I am at my parents for the night... more later
and stressing about weigh in on my moms scale tomorrow... but dieing to know how much I weight.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
-REC center finally put up a schedule for the spring fit classes
-I have pretty much spent most if my time today stealing and bingeing and studying and numbing and purging
- overslept some, not really, like I wasn't late for anything but I told myself I would get up and run and get a lot done before my 11:30am appt, you know burn calories burn. But no, my slept in till 11 and failed to meet my expectations of myself once again. and then I get pissed at myself.
- I once again just make things a lot harder for myself then they need to be.
- I just hate it when I dont do what I say I am going to do
I had to drag myself to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get in the car and drive to therapy.
BUT.... my new person, therapist person, gave me a hug! It was the coolest thing. I am sold! I had a good chat with her. I really like how we talk about the eating disorder, but not really. The thing is... therapy gets me thinking, makes my head spin, and can bring things up I haven't wanted to think about in a long long time, or things just surfaces. So when I leave.... what do I do, I want to go and numb out. I go and do the thing I am not suppose to be using to cope, I use my eating disorder. I am glad I went..... but..
ok enough with the buts... i need to just be positive and not such a downer. I did accomplish things today. And today was what it was. I can change it, so move on and stop fixating on it.
I played hooky from work. That helped lower my anxiety and stress.
I am anxious and stressed because in an hour or so I am driving to Seattle to attend a conference. I know some of the presenters, and I have had class with one of the gals I am driving with, and the other is really nice. Just.. this is so risky, and not like me. Risky in that I have never been this spontaneous or daring as to get into a car a and drive and skip school, attend this unknown event really, I feel like I have no idea what I am getting into. And eat with other people, be in a hotel with people!
I am more concerned about the eating part.... freaking really. Because I want to bank on the opportunity to not bp and restrict hella.
Also, the teacher that knows about me and the eating and whom I have been conversing with and talking to, SHE WILL BE THERE!
ok, I am off to shower and do my hair, and finishing packing for the little trip
wish me the best