Wednesday, July 29, 2009

long over due update

hey everyone

just letting you know I went into inpatient treat 14 days ago, hence the lack of input and posting. I am still alive and well, well.... doing the best I can to managage and cope with what life has handed me right now. This sucks, they had me on a hold for awhile, and now that I an=m volunteary again, I want to sliplt so bad. There is only so much food and thearpy a person can handle.

I have to tell my theaprist something. I fell I ought to but I think they might put on watch again. DO you know how hard it is to admit you have sucidal thoughts? Can anyone realte? OR how to tell someone? YEa....

so i figured out I can get on this site without the interenet blockage I will check back tomorrow or a few days. Hope all is well. By the way my weight is 105lbs! and tye are making me drink suplements... gross and way too fattening.. at leat I am not stealing or binging.... thank goodness for that

night ladies
be welll yourselves.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

no idea what I weigh today.. prob a good thing. I did weigh to much bping yesterday. Today I am up, and in a descent mood, and off to go hike with my dad. However, that big ball of light that hangs out in the sky has gone MIA. Keep your fingers cross no rain, but I love hiking with my dad because it is an actual hike, a descent milage and workout. Lets hope I am not disappointed, but I can always hit the gym later.


Friday, July 10, 2009

freakin A.. bp most of the day away from 2pm- now. this morning weighed 108, and just now stepped on and 112. i fucked hate this game I play... and grrr. so I popped a complet laxs. and am in bed depressed

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

108.5 at mom and dads scale

so I am pretty sure I was diagnosed as bipolar today... oh goodie.
I have done an amazing job so far today restricting intake and the urge to binge and purge.

woke up in a funk, went to thearpy, it helped a little so did tyneol and a nap, and coffee

one doc wants me to go inpatient, for safety, but also to be monitored for med maintence and what not. They dont want me offing myself, I dont want that either..

what a day......

Monday, July 6, 2009

lots to do today: Good morning Monday


I bpd yesterday a bunch, probably because it was my last day at work as caregiver, and so i needed to bank on all the free food and sweets. And also, I woke up so dang freaking early, I was out of my element and normalcy. 

I am still looking for a new place to live. I need to go to the financial aid office and see about a forgivable loan as teacher for next year to help with tuition and living expenses.

My list for today:
1pm coffee with Bridget
9:30pm date with Mike
maybe lunch with Matt at 11:30?
donate plasma
keeping searching for a place to live for Sept- who cares.
support process group at 7pm

My goal is to do all my right eating things, the no bp and actually eat something, and be kind to myself, thats important too, til after date with Mike. I need to get to the support group, and I think I am going to be ok. I am busy enough today to make this day a successes. I felt so good on the 4th not purging all day. I want to have another day like that.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

i didnt purge at all yesterday!

I had a fantastic day yesterday. Still 108 lbs today. Fireworks were a blast. And I drank a little, snuggled with the boy, the boy slept over. I am totally playing him, but whatever. Hanging out in the sun with Katie, and just chatting with her. I love that gal, She is an amazing friend. And I havent purged or binged since 9pm on friday. That is great success for me. Ok, boy is still in bedroom, I think I am going to make him breakfast.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

4th of July goodness- 108lbs

Happy Birthday America, way to be independent. Lets all go out and drink heavily, stuff our faces with meat, wear our red, white, blue and our cowboy hats and bikinis, and drink, and sing, and be dangerous with fireworks.... I love this holiday, because of the fireworks, sunny weather and prime time to be lazy and tan. Not the other stuff.

When did every holiday be about food and drinking? calories, calories, calories.
I am packing my own stuff, and the plan is to be moving and walking a lot today. And get a tan.

The scale read 108lbs this morning. Yesterday, I heavily restricted. Ran for a little over 30mins, and biked to work and back. On the return trip, I went the long way, caught the sunset and was so peaceful. At work, it was double pay (awesome! and I choose to get off at nine so that I could have some social time with people) Played Uno, drank some (vodka and diet cranberry juice), fooseballd.  Went to bed around 2am and cuddled with Matt. 

I do have a date on Monday with Mike ( a guy I met at a bar during one of my favorite regga bands concert. Very small town, very small bar. From what I can remember he works in marine biology and is associated with the college I am at. He is on the older side (not sure how old yet), but so far... I am charmed and excited to get to know him. He's cute too. And he danced! All pluses so far. He has been really polite on the phone, and easy to talk to on the phone. Yay....... I love dating.

ok, I need to shower, do my hair, tour a potential house to live in (lease ending soon), skip over to BGO and hopefully they still have my soymilk on sale, then off to play in the sun and enjoy the 4th festivals down by the water.

If you are in the states, be safe and make smart choices =)
Have a good one!- ps I am in a really freaking amazing mood!

Friday, July 3, 2009

I hate seeing 110 this morning

I have been thinking, and just wanted to share somethings:

I know this is common with eating disorders, but I never really understood it in regards till myself till this morning. I am very superstitious when it comes to my scale. Like, moving it, how I step on it, when I step on it. Which scale first. I have a ritual with my scales. And my fear is, if I break any of them... my number goes up. Pathetic  maybe, but honestly. I choke and panic, and serious anxiety. And this morning it was up 1lbs... and I am so mad I broke a ritual or rule. After I step on the scale, however, and I see want I want to see, or if its better i.e lower, anxiety goes away. I have an amazing day usually. I honestly don't care what the number on the scale says, but I thrive on the consistence of my scale. Or at least temporarily. I can usually breathe a sigh of relief if every morning and evening it blinks the same number. My inner dialogue.. "see you are ok."

My sister is home from now til tuesday. She will be spending most her time with Tess, and her boyfriend. It's ok that she is her. Expect for, I have to remember to be pleasant and share my space. I kind of like knowing she is around for I cant be so obvious about my bulimia behaviors, i.e leave evidence. I have to more conscience about my choices. I fear he walking in on me. Or having something out that she might see. 

This is why I am writing. I am avoiding a purge, trying my best to vent/think things through/just talk it out instead of doing a "fuck you" or a "I hate myself so much" action. Because she walked into the apartment, my heart immediately starts racing, and I shake, and I'm a nervous wreck. I was in bed still when herself and her friend walked in. I hate being caught still in bed. Maybe I think that she will judge me? Am I lazy, should have been better, or something? It was noon. I just thought it was odd that I started fidgeting with my heads, going miles a hour pacing, and messing with stuff, organizing, and cleaning my room, right when she came in. Also, I had this really strong urge to throw up. It wasn't necessarily a binge craving. I think sometime my purge is an anxiety reaction. I just make it occur on command. I really felt sick to my stomach. It doesn't help either that both my sister and her friend are gorgeous, really thin, and tall. ED is extremely jealous, and really talking negatively about me comparing to them. And the last thing I want to do is eat. Here they are getting ready to go swimming at the lake with their friends and boyfriends, comparing their outfits and bikini's, getting all primped and dolled up. And I am really pissed that I have to go to work. Here they are getting ready, bound for an amazing time, and its not fair that I am sitting in my room struggling over am I going to eat or not eat, run or chill out before going to work. It's not fair. I understand that my not fair stuff right now is me saying it is not fair I have an eating disorder and they don't. I'm angry that I have to sit here and type, and fight the food and weight struggles, and they don't. They have it so easy in my mind.

Ok, they have finally left. I can breathe again. Update on my goals- I have been doing ok in the front half of my time frame to not purge. I think we agreed 3pm, but I have made it to 9:30pm one day and 7pm on another. I feel really good about this. My evenings are a really big struggle, but smalls steps. I am getting warmer...

Have a good rest of your day! Enjoy your 4th weekend!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

todays adventure

its 75 degrees out, and I am an hour away from my front door, on July 2nd, in the snow! I love where I live. The road to my hike was closed at the top of Mt. Baker Hwy (right next to the ski resort). Though just a little walk with the dog and the sights, it was well worth it.