In response to a requst from an aunt to come live/visit after treatment and or during treatment:

I am more then ever ready to come, finances wise not. I have been living on my parents income this whole treatment "chaos blessing" since July. If I was able to fly out I could do so the day before Thanksgiving and fly back either Sunday or Saturday afternoon. I leave impatient on the 13th, back to partial in San Diego (where I was before), and then home for the holidays and begin school in January. I would love to come out there for Thanksgiving, just need to find some funding to do so.


And for a little update:I am doing really well. I am in my weight range and going on passes and exposure outings. I have an understand of how many calories I need to function, and a better belief system over eating on a meal plan, and have gained a batter grasp on how much I don’t need the eating disorder in my life anymore. All good things. The staff are respectful and knowledgeable, and I am enjoying my privileges and recreational therapy (I am allowed to run 30mins twice a week). My favorite part is arts and crafts when I sculpt things from clay.

109.8 lbs

this I am okay with, however I purged last night. Not okay. I told right away which is great, but then when faced with drinking the ensures as a replacement I froze and said no. Now I dont RT privleges for the day.

yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. I got myself on a 1:1. through purging and chew and oiting my food and being oncompliant aboutmy pacing. It shook me up and I am talkng to people about my struggles reather do what i have over the lsat 6 days playing my cards and white knuckling it all. I snappped yesterday. Day 20 being inpatient at UCLA...

update

I wasn't in the mood the last couple of nights to journal, but tonight I have some spare energy. I made RT weight meaning I weight 109.2lbs I has to deal with my anxiety on that but now I was RT, which is recreational therapy. I can lift weights in the morning and at 9am I can walk or jog, or running after all of that is approved. Getting RT was one of my short term goals so yippe I did it. I was told my target weight range for my height I need to be 116-121Lbs. So then my disease mind says whattTTTTTTT that so high, but wisemind 115 isnt that bad. It might even look good on me. I had another patient say to me that I still looked really thin, which my ED voiced loved. Have I told you the last few days I have been eating one on one in my bedroom. Because something like my crying or hiding food would or has been upsetting the table or triggering. Well today was my first lunch back with the girls and guy and I think it went well. Definitely more entertaining then eating alone with a staff member.

I purged my lunch today. I told the staff and she did her job, made me sit down with two cups of ensure at "replace" me. How did I purge in an inpatient hospital? Well normal my door is lock, same with the bathroom door and today a I went to my room hoping it would be the case. Long and behold it was, and the next think I knew I purged and purged again.

I think I am getting over a bug. Some of the gals here are sick. I just have been sleeping a lot lately. And get this... it is now in my doctors orders no sleeping past too. Whops, failed that one. I slept during the community meeting just like I did last night and the move.

sigh oh a big sigh indeed. Today breakfast went alright. I got to stretch and lift weights before hand. And napped for a bit after breakfast which I woke from real rested. To come to lunch... dieaster. I spit some of my salmon into my cup and ti was found out. I drank the replacement but then purged. So then I had to drink more supplement which I only drank half. It had been one hell of a day, a long day. I isolated because I was embarrassed. Took a second nap. So then and 3:30pm snack and dinner runs around and I have to eat by myself with a staff in my room!

oh geez what a day

108.8lbs

another weigh in day, much anticapatory anxeity

another weigh in day, much anticipatory anxiety

I am consciencely aware in every moment that I am going to be weighed tomorrow morning. Its driving me nuts, its a just a weight i try to tell myself. But i still don't believe it. Half of my self, my wise self wants the number to go up, a lot but a little like a 1lb to a few ounces. That wouldn't be so heart wrenching, unlike the other side of me, my sick disorder half, wants to have my weight maintain or better yet lose weight. I have made a pro and con list in my head about the situation but here are some of my thoughts.

The side of me that wants and or understands the consequences will be if the scale number to be same or higher

• I am here to get better that means I need to gain back or restore an appropriate moment of weight
• I would be closer to my weight range
• Most likely to calorie increase
• If I am 109 and above I have recreational therapy privileges.
• More weight me closer to partial, then closer to home
• I don't want to spend the Holiday's in a hospital
• I am my period back so that I can have babies
• I am afraid of weighing more
• I criticize certain parts of my body even more after weigh days
• Its hard me to face the mirror

The side of me that wants and or understands what the consequences will be if the scale number to be lower

• less weight or maintenance means no "rt" privileges
• in inpatient longer
• calories will increase
• temporarily I will feel good about my body and life, but only temporary.
• If my weight goes down, it will be harder for me to eat because the ED thoughts will be super driven saying "stay thin Robin, you cant eat that"
• I would have more ED distortions and voices overall. They seem to come out even stronger around a weight success. The voices declare new and harsh rules I have to ply buy in order to stay and keep losing weight.
• Also, I tend too beat up and criticism by body more so
• my high is only temporarily
• I temporarily love the mirror and then "snap" its not my ally any more

Thats all I can think of for now. But I will wake tomorrow morning, and before I even approach the scale I am going to idetnify and determine how I am feeling. Also I going to stop stressing this weigh in and ruin the rest of my day. Its only 5pm. I have the hole night ahead of me.

a little note, with some insights

UCLA is wonderful . Surprising me constantly. We get outside at least once a day for 45 mins. The sun is still shining here but the temp is dropping. Nothing compared to the Autumn chills in WA, but jacket long pants worthy.. I really am trying this time. I think actually for the first time, me trying wise. I really want recovery. I just have so much coming up in January as motivators to get better. just to have a life again is motivating. But I so struggle sometimes hour to hour to day to day. I am just taking it slow. Yet the staff is challenging and helping me reach my potential. Breakfast was a struggle. I can still feel it in my belly and in the top of my throat. I was taken over by ed for a brief moment in my meal and I spit some food into my cup to avoid the feeling in my throat and my fear of swallowing it. here is some of my insight about why that happen.

A. I didnt get a lot of sleep do to a nightmare that kept attacking at me through out the night. It was about the incident I had with a pseudo boyfriend I was interacting with at the time. He forced me to give him oral sex and swallow. He liked to do things rough when it came to anything sexual. I dont. I mean he would pull my hair and face down on him and would not even like me come up for air. It was awful, and it was something that happened a lot.

B. Today at breakfast I was eating scrambled eggs and for some reason I had a hard time swallowing. The nightmare was still resonating in me. It felt like it was the incident all over again. Being timed when eating, that time pressure. I just wanted the meal to end. I could swallow anymore, so I spit into my cup most of my scrambled egg. The staff didnt notice. But I will process everything and confess later to day. Oddly I am proud that I was able to look deeper and identify when was going on, what I was thinking. Because it was not about the food. It had nothing to do with the food.

C. But in those moments sitting at the breakfast table, I made it about the food, about the portions and my lack of trust in the team when it comes to calories and portions. In that moment when I choose to obey my eating disorder I was distracting from how I was feeling about my nightmare, and my hatred toward that boy, and all the shame that I have about not stopping the boy and not fighting back. In a way, my spitting out food and restricting was really me trying to control the past and get back at him, but really I only hurt myself.

Thats the insight I had this morning. My friend Emily on the phone was really helping. I definitely use talking with others as a healthy coping skill compared to the alternatives like pacing or exercising or purging to numb out my feelings. I am still emotional feeling my nightmare, and I want it to stop and go away. When I pace those emotions go away. I hate remembering. When I remember, I feel disgusting, dirty, inadequate, and all "the should's".

Hope this helps anyone, but it helped me just to write about it.

108.3

anyone watch greys antomoy? tonights show is intense! I was 108.3 this morning, I actually lost .4 lbs since monday. Not sure if that means I automaticaly get a caloire increse, but I am disspointed becasue at that weight I dont get RT. I am hanging in. Med change but so far I like it. I am sleeping better at least. Thats all for now

sweet dreams

yippeee!

I was accepted to give a presentation at the CEC conference in Nashville Tennessee next spring break!!!!!! This is an amazing feat considering I am still an undergrad! Not many get accepted. I am so freaking excited... if you cant tell.

On to other things, weight. 108.7. This I am ok with. I ate my little granola soy milk with half a banana breakfast with the coffee and water with no problem this morning. Breakfast is usually my easiest of meals. My meals are 450cals each and snacks (which I have twice a day) are 150 calories. I try not to think about it too much, not to dwell on it but thats my reality. Out of the hospital I was eating around 300 calories and purging the rest. Since I have been at UCLA I have not purged, and only had the urge and thought maybe twice. I get to pick what I eat, but I have to get the caloric amount I have been set to by the dietitian. The dietitian has been at UCLA for 30 years. Today I am going to ask my therapist about getting recreational therapy approved. From what I have been told by another patient, during rec therapy i can lift weights go for walks or a short run. Who knows really but anything outside of my unit walls is fantastic. Just this little break I am having now helps, simply writing and emailing or playing a game of online tetris gives me some relief and a little smile.

AWW sweet. the nurse just brought me my nicatine gum. I love that stuff. I never really smoked a bunch, just a little for about 5 months and then I discoverd the gum and I love it more then the cigs! I think I am addicted to the gum now. lol.

signing off- the gleeful robs

I get weighed in tomorrow. I already am nauseated just thinking about it. And I was a bad patient today. I hid food at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at my hs snack. I am going to confess in a bit and am not sure what the consequences will be but my guilt is killing me. Well.. my healthy voice is the one confessing, my disease voice is telling me to not tell, because then I will have to stop. But isnt that what I want to do? To get better? But I don't want to gain weight. Honestly, my ed voice wants the scale to say I lost weight tomorrow. How do I make this ed voice go away for good. My ed voice is seeing the skinny bony girl with the peg tube in her stomach as an idle. I keeping wanting to use the word "I" but I am practicing separating my eating disorder from the real me, the healthy me that one day wants children and my own home and a dog and a career. My disease voice has been haunting me in the night when I pace in the hospital, when I hid my food today. The taste of that disease is still lingers and is still yummy. I still crave it. It tells me that when I get out of here I can be that skinny 94lb woman. I still dont understand why. Why it tells me this. What is it that I am afraid of. I am scared to grow up and face the real challenges in life. I am terrified. I think I am hiding in my disease because of this. I think thats why I still want to stay sick. Part of me wants to discharge so that I can be a better anorexic and get that skinny bony look. But what does that prove if I do reach that weight, that outward appearance? I dont have the answer yet. Why am I scared to be healthy? Is it that I am afraid my dreams wont happen? Is it that I might fail, or be miserable? Id rather hurt others before they hurt me. And Id rather blame a sickness then my my true healthy self and have nothing to blame for all the pain and misfortunes, and the disappointments. I think I am holding on to this eating disorder simply out of fear. Though my therapist here at UCLA is focusing so much on my trauma past, I really dont believe thats why I have an eating disorder. Sure it has some impact, but other factors play roles too. Like my extreme desire to be liked and approved of. And how I crave attention. And what about my shoplifting addiction. That needs to be addressed.

thats all for now. Hope all is well with you, may some peace and serenity find you tonight. Sleep well everyone

I have to say, some of the male doctors are gorgeous and yummy to look at here on the campus. UCLA is a beautiful campus.

So my first night here I had a terrible nightmare. The full on sweats and screaming. A nightmare where you know you are dreaming but for the life of you you get wake yourself up. I dont remember the details of the dream. I only remember the male night staff person waking me up. It was awful.

Things around here are pretty strict but at the same time laid back. I am getting a lot of individual care and attention which I think is going to make this program work for me. I, am trying to take it moment to moment, and nice and slow, at a pace I can handle. Just enjoying my good moments, and riding out the moments that are uncomfortable and uneasy. Like now. I finished breakfast, and am antsy and really really want to go run or sign myself out so I dont have to eat another meal. But I am not going to. So far I am very compliant and am following all the rules and guidelines. As well as being very proactive in my recovery. Its only day 2 but I giving it my best.

Ok, thats all for now. Have a good day at work for those who work, and those who at studying, good luck with classes.. Talk to you later!Love, Robs