Monday, August 10, 2009

la de da de da another day in treatment, only purged once, and I actually ate all my meals and snacks and didnt have to boost! thats a yay and yay in my book. Someone commented about being in the mindset of recovery, and to respond its an hour by hour thought of mine. i sometimes and crying because i dont want to eat, other days I am totally gung ho for recovery, yet I still engage in behaviors. Tonight however I have found out that the other peers here really do support love and care for me. We had a new inpatient admit tonight and she freaked me out. I was promised a room and NOOOOo the poor poor thing swears she was given that room, so yes I have a room to myself but I get the handicapped room. I was suppose have the normal room. I am trying to be a good person and not hate her, but she already is extremely triggers. I should feel sorry for, empathic maybe? But I love her body to some degree and she taking over my role as a trouble maker. Shes had her fits already in less then 24hours. And I have done so well today, finally got to earn back to sleeping in the EDO unit. My peers are amazing.....

tomorrow is going to be incredible hard. You know what that sad thing about wanting my own room is that I can exercise when i want. I dont like that the room is so small and that ..... Im just pissed I didnt get 108! god damn it. Ok Robin get over it. I am better then to pout over this. But- therapy garble- its ok to feel this emotion and it too shall pass. I dont know what my underline is triggering this current emotion la de da de da. Maybe it wont be so bad. I can try it for a night, but then I can switch to share a room if necessary. Just .. i dunno.

The group is watching "Intervention" on AE right now. I love that show but only the eating disorder episodes.... great ones, but very triggering.

only 25 minutes till I am off my observation. I need to make this program work. I almost was discharged today because of my non compliance and not following the program i.e. excessive pacing, restring, purging, self harm, hiding food, bargaining and not listening to stuff. But like I siad today was a good day. I talked a lot, got to know my peers better and learn that I do really like them, especially when I am struggling. I cant believe I told Cheryl what that I purged.

no they are takling about clothes. I dont even want to think about lciothes, about all the weight I am going to gain, what I wont fit into when i get homw. Now I think I should have goone ohome when I got the chance. Escape while I could . But thats the eating disorder talking. I can see that its yapping at me. But god, I feel so ugly, so hug, so chunky. I see how them tha new admit is and Jen and Elizabeth and my ED is soooo jealous. It makes me want to get better to get out with a discharge that is honaorbale to apporve the team and parents and then come back to a low low weight. Why do I so badly what to be then thin, that sick? I dont understand. I have my changin bpdy. But I guess they are right in that I need to tolerate it. Not agree, I can agree with that voice all i want, but its nesscary that i disobey it.

Alirght I am getting are jarbled and confused. Meds are kicking in. Night ladies

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