Tuesday, June 30, 2009

still rocking 109lbs

I am due for some new pictures. Maybe I will post and take some more as motivator after my shower in a bit. I have been successful on drinking a whole foods protein shake every day for the last week, and not not bingeing, bingeing and purging, or purging, or chew spit, before 2pm this week or after 2am. Have a time frame is mentally working. I have been taking my vitamins too.

again, my HR is still low, like 44. No one has s dianognised aid anything about my lab work, but EKG still says not good. This is known as  "bradycardia and can be dangerous, especially when blood pressure gets too low as well. Symptoms include weakness, loss of energy and fainting. " yay me.... This happened to me before, when I first was. Yet... no one has told me to do anything in sepcfics to this, like stop excerising, "you are going to have a heart attack" or you need to be in the hospital. I am wanting for the bp to drop.. that I know how to respond to , or if your weight is below X yo will need to be in hopsital or inpatient, i can respond to that. I want someone to tell me  abottom line weight honestly. 

ok, still 109! good deal, have been this all week. It needs to know be 107. I am excited to see how much I weigh on my moms scale tomorrow morning!

SO COURT update- 8 hours community service within 60 days, and I have a year to pay court fine and cost totally 443$. Deferred sentence, meaning, if I do the mentioned and don't get in trouble with the law for 1 year, this is dismissed and not on my record. 

Friday, June 26, 2009

intake for the day

109lbs - and so far no binge! or purge!

walked 3 miles, most of the time pushing a stroller, it was a pretty flat trail, I also went in the pool for a bit, but I would really count that as anything.

4c drip coffee
1/2c nonfat milk

protein shake- 8oz almond milk unsweetened, 1/2tbs flax oil, tsp omega oil, azai berry puree, 2 scoops of whey protein with fiber (20g pro, and 10g fiber) with ice.
32oz water with lite emergency C

6oz firm tofu
1/4c wheat bran toasted
1 yellow squash
1 onion
8 small mushrooms
tsp garlic
curry, and other spices

diet coke
2 servings sugarfree jello
24oz iced coffee with splash of nonfat milk

atkins advantage bar (11g fiber, 12g pro, 8g fat= 160cals)

Monday, June 15, 2009

again... bulimia always wins out

114! what the f! its my own fault. I took laxs, and workouts out, hopefully that works. Did that stop me from binging and purging today? nope... made it even more tempting.

i have an appt tomorrow with dr. RS, and then down to moore center for eating disorders the next day, and then back to my town for another appt with the mental health person. 1 tomorrow, 2 on wed. whoop he

Tomorrows earnings 
I babysat today, babysit tomorrow= 80$
biolife tomorrow= 20$
extra shift, 5 hours as cargiver= 45$ (before taxes)

all goes to that stupid fine

Sunday, June 14, 2009

i woke up this morning, 111lbs holding steady, wish it would just drop one stinking lb!

BUT in a much improved mood and outlook for the day. Who knows what work will bring me. Working as a caregiver can me physically and mentally exhausting, but add to the challenge an abundance of free food that usually gets thrown away. My bulimia screams "save the food" or "hey.... looky here.. take advantage of it!". So tonight, lets hope my will power to not bp at work will be stronger. I need to work, because I need money to pay that shoplifting fine.

So, I attempted to eat watermelon that I had been hoarding in my fridge saving, as a safe food and all, but nope, alas, it has fermented. .. boo. so sad

I have prepped safe meals for me to eat and snack on that are diet friendly and very low in calories. Its hard to be a vegan and diet, because hello JELL-O is god sent for us eating disordered folks. I eat jello religiously as a safe food, sugarfree and sometimes made with the fizzy water. I also cooked broccoli and dived it up into 60 cal portions in jars with pepper and salsa, and a splash of wheat germ

ok, biking to work

Saturday, June 13, 2009

i hate my life. I cant do anything right. I spend the little money I do have just to purge it up. This is sooo fucking stupid. i hate me.. I hate this, what I am doing myself

i had a nice time on the bike ride, and at the resturant. and i ate all the fries know I can purge it. and then the taco bell, adn the rest of the junk in my house.

and for what? seriously robin what are you trying to prove or it fix

I am doing alright so far, my scale back at my apartment read 111lbs. And I am ok with that for now. I went on a little run/jog/walk this afternoon. Left around 11:45am and got back a little after 1pm. I stopped by the scuba shop to visit with a friend and to pick up her dog to babysit for the day. This dog is the sweetest and I love Haley to death! I would keep her forever and ever and ever. 

Ok, so a downside to the boy is that he like his weed. But I can fix that... or at least put limits on him doing it around me. He's fun, and really really cute.  We are going to go bike to the lake later this afternoon and maybe go swimming. 

For the pacific northwest in the States, where i live, its  been 27 days since the last rain. AMAZING. Summer is officially here.

ok, so far intake of 150cals or less. And no bp! I have been tempted, and for sure fantasized about it. I eve have goodies in my house, and for some reason taco bell is cheap and on the brain. But the guy should be over soon and then I will be safe for a bit.

maybe I will finish my coffee and eat some watermelon

im going to a major appt on wednesday. So from now till then, I have to do everything in my power to lose weight, and not to bp. Plan is to lose at least 3 lbs, and to just sleep and work out. Just do everything that I need too.

I can do this.. yes I can

Friday, June 12, 2009

awww.. I've met a boy, and he likes me! lol

I'm at my parents right now, weighed in at 109.5lbs and 110lbs

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

looks like just a fine. 245.22 dollars. 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

edit after reading comment- But this IS incredibly shamful and  really really really scary. it is constantly going through my head, around and around and around playing it over and over. How am I suppose to move past this? How am I suppose to just... not sleep my day away? or keep bping becasue im a freakin screw up

updated about the stealing

its was candy, and a bike lock

bulimia is expensive... so I stole. It was under 45$

And I know stealing is wrong, but the impulse was their. And I forgot my credit card.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

oh shit factor sits in hard

still 109lbs... however

I was caught shoplifting at Fredmeyers in Bellingham, WA (Whatcom county) and was told I was going to be prosecuted by the civilian dressed security officer that stopped me outside. He said I was going to receive something in the mail. I am really confused. Was he allowed to handcuff me as roughly as he did? I am a 23yr old female who doesn't even weigh 110lbs. Is there anything I should be doing besides taking pictures of the bruising and scrapes from the handcuffs? I was wailing because he grabbed me so tightly and swung me around hard. And this guy through my cell phone down when I tried to call someone to come sit with me. He kept telling me I wasn't allowed to call anyone. What's going to happen now? Is this a misdemeanor? Am I going to have to go to court? Is this going on my record? He never arrested me or read me miranda rights. Do I just pay the fine, what ever the amount in this letter supposedly will say? He took my licenses number and photo. Any help would really help me.

Friday, June 5, 2009

109lbs... whoot whoot, what what


80's night out last night was tons of fun. Dancing was a great workout, and I didnt spend a lot of money or drink tons. 

I am officially done with uni, and its summer! And its been averaging in the mid 80 degrees over the lat week and suppose to continue this way. swimming at the lake anyone?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

my word... it feels amazing to be done! I went out with some of the girls from my department, and it went alright. I managed to eat nothing but mushrooms and coffee and water for the entire day. Then beer with the girls and reggae dancing.

to answer some questions:
no to lunges, i find them hard on my knees and down right boring, but I climb stairs and run hence the "nice ass" ( i laugh at this) and the legs toned

I am 5'6 tall

my safe foods are anything raw, I limit my sugar for fruits are on occasion, I eat vegetarian with lots of veggies and almost no fat. Coffee is my main food group.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I am so ready to rock this presentation. I slept well, and I havent binged and purged yet today. And I have eaten some, but all healthy stuff, under 300 calories. yay me

113lbs... its the last thing on my mind this afternoon.

ok, wish me luck

the big presentation is tomorrow. Before though, I have to teach for a few hours, and go to a meeting, and then show time. Its a huge auditorium full of people, and I am second up.. first one to present on writing, but 2nd up in general. My mom and dad will be there, oh and the ENTIRE faculty department and numerous classmates and undergrads. 

despite my nerves, I only bpd once today, and climbed stairs and moved around lot knowing I could squeeze a workout in. 

it feels good to be ending the school year. Next fall, full time student teaching!

time to shower, run through my powerpoint once again, and pick out my outfit.
Night girls