Sunday, September 20, 2009

109lbs upon awaking

the sun is sunshine for the wedding today. yesterday it was pouring, but i am in a great mood. Took some anti anxiety meds which are really helping me stay chill and not well.. duh anxious. I haven't eaten anything today, and I better. I think I will make a little oatmeal with fruit and walnuts to tie me over till the family style dinner at the wedding reception. I took a nap while watching some football with the aunt, uncle, and cousins. I am in a chipper mood and ready full be myself today. But food will help. Mostly so I don't let myself be starving for food later and freak myself out.

yay for blue sky. Today is going to be fun. Ill remember to bring the camera. I want pictures to see what I really look like. Some say I am still skinny, but look better than the last wedding two years ago. My weight has been yo yoing for the last three years. Crazy. Im kinda dizzy and blah feeling. Have I mentioned I have quit smoking. For a week now. Except I think I have become addicted to the nicotine gum. I love that stuff. I was really only smoking in the first place to avoid eating and feeling hungry. And for the high and energy splurge. The gum has been giving me a better high... I still need to shower and eat, yet my eating disorder voice, the ed is screaming no food. screaming go measure your waist. Weigh myself again. No food. But I am not going to obey ed in this moment. I am saying no ed. I already weighed myself. And I know my body needs food for functioning, especially on a day like today.

two hours remaining till photo time with the families. Wedding is at 4pm. Then let the dinner frenzy and partying begin.

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