UPDATE: I'm out of inpatient

Hi follow bloggers,

I have been neglectful about righting you, but I had some free time this am and I was thinking about you all. Are you ready for the long weekend? I hope that you are well. Currently I am attending a partial program for ED's at Sharp Mesa Vista in San Diego, CA. I am living in a sober living house in La Jolla. I was discharged from BHC Alhambra last sunday. Partial has been a struggle with restricting, but I am happy to report that I am 14 days purge free. And binge free since July 16th. And I have yet to buy a scale, though I am the urge to do so is a daily battle.

Inpatient I was able to get away with a lot, probably not my best choice to attend that facility, but I learned a lot about myself. I am back on meds and no longer have the thoughts about hurting myself. Depression and anxiety are still present but manageable. I sure gave them a show for the first couple of weeks, but then surrendered. My triggers are somewhat manageable, or at least I have gained a vast awareness of what triggers me. My emotions are very vibrant which I think has been the biggest challenge to recovery. Letting the tears roll freely, and feeling my anger at the surface and not reacting to the anger I feel impulsively or by hurting myself either through self harm or purging. Like I said, restricting these days are my hardest challenge, and the body image. I am still on a restoration meal plan with two supplements a day. Accepting that I am still gaining weight, especially now that I am partial, is another daily battle, almost hourly battle. I just take it one meal, one snack, one hour at a time.

Living only two blocks away from the beach has been fantastic in terms of relaxing and self soothing but not helpful with the beach full of runners and bikinis. My roommate at the sober house is awesome. We hang out, chat, and comfort each other. She is significantly older, but we relate a lot and are very open with one another. My house is full of optimism and life, a very positive space and I am grateful to my parents for funding me to stay here. I am loaning money from my folks for the rent, and the co-pays for treatment.

My dad has been amazing throughout this whole adventure. He has gone beyond my wildest expectations of our relationship. He visited me while impatient, and drove down when I discharged so that I could have a car and to assist with my transition to partial. I will admit I am extremely lonely, and during most hours I feel hopeless. Like "why am I doing this? I am going to fail anyways? Why am I making myself so uncomfortable, when I can just lose weight and feel better?" Then I remind myself I want to get back to my great therapist Jeanne (yay!), and complete my degree (I go back in Jan.) I want to attend my brothers wedding thats coming up in a few weeks, and I want to be healthy for my older sisters wedding that happening next year. She even asked me to be her maid of honor with Jill (the younger sister). And I simply want to keep this happiness.

As of now, if all stays on track, I should be done with partial mid october. My plan is to return to my parents at that time and complete IOP with the Moore Center. After that, I will return to school and complete my internship and graduate.

Well thats all for now. Again, I hope that everything is well and peachy with you.

Take care,

Robin