Saturday, February 28, 2009

mardi gras photos

i hate how fat my face is
but it was a fun night out with Katie and her friends.

I went on a long run today, then work. The sun was out again, and despite snow I ran, and I ran far and hard..... and then.. when I got to work binge purge binge purge binge purge. i mean WTF robin! and i stepped on the scale praying for a low number, nope.. 115.3!!!!! im freaking out.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

weight check is 111.8. I went tanning today, lol. oh the NW and how pale I am! And its now snowing!like 4 inches. I am going to spin class again, and am going to burn another 50cals after class on the machine.

Food intake: 1000cals
tbs wheat germ
1/3c bran cereal
tbs oatmeal with cinnamon
2c nonfat milk
tbs nutritional yeast
1 medium yellow onion
1pk tofu noodles
2 fat carrots
left over salad dressing free from last night

red cabbage
tbs wheat germ
15 cals fat free dressing
1/2 cucumber
1/4c canned in water light salmon
vegan parmesan cheese

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

walking a lot today
500 cals at the gym burned
heres what i ate

3c spianch
2tbs wehat germ
1 1/2c nonfat milk
more coffee
8 cherry tomatoes
1/2 cucumber
2tbs fat free dressing, 20cals
red cabbage/ice berg lettuce 25cals
250cals or less and no purging

an ok day minus I lost my USB drive, and my head spinning with all the work I still have to do to finish out the quarter.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

o m g

113lbs! fuck, not again, this is what I get for drinking, and skipping working out, and flipping eating.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

you know its a good day when

  1. the scale proudly reads 110.3lbs in the am
  2. your favorite baby squash ready to heat and eat pack is on sale at the grocery store
  3. the kids you teach are improving exponentially on their reading assessments
  4. My boss told me on the phone that I am doing amazing, and everyone at the center where I caregive agrees (pay raise...aye?hopefully..... saturday I will have worked there 1 month.)
  5. an old paycheck from kindercare daycare surfaces for 152.oo usdollars!
  6. I get paid from the Courtyard where I'm a caregiver on friday
  7. I will be debt free after friday
  8. 100% A+ on my research paper with comments like "flawless, excellent, great point, may I share this with the head of the department" are in red ink all over it!!!!
  9. I fit back into my size zero black nice work pants
  10. And I fixed my espresso machine!!!!!!!
i just looked back at old entries. when I started blogger I was 123lbs, on halloween I was 130lbs. 130 is the highest I have even been. I am 22. And that was after 2 months of force feeding via inpatient. SO so so glad not to be there.

My school quarter has 4 weeks left. Thank god.

spring break needs to come faster

110.8lbs wahoo. check out these bad bones

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

rocking the 112lbs

good day so far. I am on top of my game attitude protrudes. I am starving, but I can hold off eating my salad till after class. Heres my food intake for the day. 500 cals or less
plus spin class tonight burns around 300 calories, and it has weights. My friend Katie is coming over. I am going to do my best to stay purge free today. I have classes, and my food planned out and pre-made, and then Katie will be over so I cant purge. I can do this....

Food intake:

soymilk 140 cals
ice berg lettuce 30 cals
3 cups spinach fresh 20 cals
12 grape tomatoes
2 tbs fat free mango dressing 20 cals
1 medium peeled cucumber 40 cals
1 fat carrot 35 cals
1 large banana 120 cals
8 cups coffee brewed black
2 shots of espresso in the soy milk
canned light salmon 80 cals

Monday, February 16, 2009


todays plan: weight this 1pm when I woke up was 112.3lbs

4 mile run in the sunshine!= 360cals burned ish

1/2 head red cabbage cooked
8oz sliced mushrooms
2 tsp Japanese egg noodle soup mix
4 celery stalks
1 large onion
9oz fresh broccoli
grande nonfat latte from starbucks
large apple
8oz brewed coffee
water, water, water!
= 630 calories ish


and yes I am in for the spring break challenge. My goal is to lose 6 lbs. 

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sunday... oh sunday

plain and simple. I wait to weigh. I took laxatives. Shame on me. And my throat is outrageous sore from all the purging. I am going to try my best to give it a rest. My little reward if i can go all sunday without purging is an espresso drink on monday. So how am I going to do it? My weakness is working and not eating enough. And then I am at work, bored, and there is food and chocolate everywhere. Disaster strikes. And every resident has a bathroom so purging is so available.  If I can get to work purge free and then not purge at work, and then I need to get home and not purge, then I can get an espresso drink while I am studying. 

On good notes, I have stuck to my guns and not spent any money so far this weekend. I am cleaning my apartment tomorrow, will enjoy my monday day off from everything, and will go for a run tomorrow weather permitting, and workout again on monday. If I can just do the few chores and little things for myself, I will be a happy camper.

just dont purge Robin, just dont do it. Think of the weight loss. You need 111, and 110. You need it. So dont purge. 

Saturday, February 14, 2009


binged already this morning, now its nap, shower, work
happy single awareness day

Check in on New Year goals

Here are the goals I set for 2009. Lets see how I am doing

1) Grow out my hair
Still growing, no hair cut in sight... maybe a new hair color, but no length opting
2) Be 100lbs by college spring break
My spring break is March 17th-22nd (I think), so I could still get there if I work my butt off. It can be done. I really would be happy with 104lbs by then, so thats my realistic goal. Currently I weigh 111.5lbs to 112lbs. One month to lose 8 lbs...
3) Have more patience and tolerance for my family members
Still a work in progress, much improvement I must say
4) No red meat, or pork
Only on binges do I eat the above, same with the below
5) No trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, hydronated or partially oils 
I am doing really well with this one
6) Save up $3000 in my savings account
Not so well with saving money, binge is expensive, food in general is expensive, BUT I have a job! Yay! And I will by golly pay of my credit card by spring break. Thats my other short term goal. Be debt free, totally possible by spring paycheck. I get paid every two weeks, and if my math is right. I can pay off my credit card. Currently I have 78$ in my savings account

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

quick- then jet to class, then work!

intake today under 600

1c raw broccoli 30
double tall nonfat latte 120
bran cereal 150
tbs wheat germ 25
tbs nutritonal yeast 30
1/4c unsweetened blueberries 30
banana med 100
1/4c nonfat milk 20
8c coffee

30mins at gym

Monday, February 9, 2009

response to comment on plateuing

in response to plateuing...... things to consider
  • weight weighs more then muscle
  • sodium can really fuck with the scale
  • water weight
  • and our body can shift up to 2lbs a day in water weight
  • weigh at the same time each day for better accuracy
  • DONT panic, re assess. Are you really restricting as much as you think? You have to burn or restrict 3500 calories to lose a lb. 
  • You have to take into account how much you body burns, runs, on just to exist. Thats your basal metabolic rate. Lets say that 1500 calories a day. You have to eliminate on top of that 3500 calories for 1 lb lose. 
  • Are bodies adapt so mix up it. Restrict for a day, eat normally, restrict for two, eat normally. Through in a higher intensity workout every often, then maybe a long stable workout, or workouts with short bursts of high intensity in intervals (for example, every ten minutes on the Xcrosser I raise the resistance 3 knots)

goals for the week

Starting weight: 112.2lbs today, ending on Sunday (hopefully at 110.5lbs)
1) 6oo calories or less each day
2) 3 spin classes for an hour each (Mon, Tues, Thursday)
3) 2 ab lab classes ( Mon, Thursday)

days going well so far
heres my intake plan

1/3c hot bran cereal (150cals)
tbs nutritional yeast (30cals)
tbs wheat germ (25cals)
1/2c nonfat milk (40cals)
Myroplex low carb protein shake (150cals)
1 1/2tbs soy protein (50cals)
11oz carrot juice (100cals)
gum sugarfree (10cals)

do you ever find yourself savoring every morsel that goes into you mouth? I just licked my cereal bowl! haha. My day is going well so far. No drama. No fuss. Kids did well at practicum, and I already have my prep work done, other then reviewing the lesson I am going to teach to tomorrow, but I can do that in the am. I have a writing conference with the professor that knows about my eating disorder. Lets hope she keeps it to the writing, or classes, and doesn't want to "check in" on me.  back to class and studying I go, oh hi ho!

Be safe, be well, find a giggle today... or better yet, have any good jokes?
- Robin

Sunday, February 8, 2009


just got home from work and climbed straight into bed. I have a long week ahead of me.  I know I will get through it, I always do. I always manage to get my homework completed, and tests accomplished. Its just nerve wrecking, and I am feeling all the stress right about now. I feel behind all of a sudden. And the pressure is on. Midterms, and half way through the quarter. So, I should be feeling what I am I guess. And it will pass, and then come, and then pass again. And then I will start a whole new quarter and... whoa there. Thats where I am stopping because I can feel my anxiety rising and coming to a boiling point. I am going to go sleep, and take on Monday as it comes. One day at time...

600calories for today
and I slept in too, so the only walking I did was at work. 

Saturday, February 7, 2009

111.7 where did that come from?

Hi all. Gooooooood Morning. It stopped raining! And the sun is back, briefly for today only, but what a glorious sunshine it is. Its freezing cold though, and not just me. It is literally 32 degrees, or 0, outside. BRRR. Last night after work I had to deice and scrape my car.

seriously, 111.7lbs this morning. Holy moly and I pepped. I hope it stays. Its just what I needed to, to get my gears in motion this morning. I slept in way to late, but now I dont care. I have to work again, and again tomorrow, and again on Wednesday, so my head is overloaded with all the stuff and assignments and prep work I have to do. At least now at practicum, the script is more naturally, I have done it so many times I dont have to practice as much. 

ummm... coffee
and ummmm broccoli
and ummmm oatmeal with blueberries!
Thats what I am eating today, more specifically

8c coffee
3/4c soy milk
4c raw broccoli, but then I cooked it
1/2c dry oatmeal
1/4c unsweetened blueberries
tbs what germ
tbs nutritional yeast

not a whole lot of calories, but lets hope I dont cave into the food munching temptations at work and stay on the low calorie side.

My sister, god love her to death, but.... last night I came home from work and see was drunk, and her guy friend andrew was over. This morning, I wake up to her making pancakes with Steve.... I am so confused. lol

ok, I need to get to doing something productive other than blogger.
Have a great day lovelies! 

Thursday, February 5, 2009

finnnik- your not creepy! get that out of your head. Isn't this what blogger is for? For everyone to share and combine insights, motivate and encourage! Advice and ask questions. At least, thats what Im doing here. I use it as a dairy in sorts too. 

Im able to maintain 113lbs quite easily at my height. Eating around 1200 calories, I do work out though and walk to school and back, and other places (I've been wearing my pedometer and it says I clock about 4 miles a day in walking from rise to bedtime). My college town is pretty small so driving is not necessary to get to most places, or even easier to get to by bus then trying to find a place to park, or pay to park.

I eat a pretty simple diet, no fluff (except for my bingeing purging tendencies, with the stress of homework over the last week and midterms I can admit and will admit was completely and utterly out of control). So I say I can maintain a weight, but I do engage in unhealthy behaviors.  I have been lower at 108 and still had a period, felt strong and active in my life in a normal way. Its up to your body, if you body is fighting a lower weight, showing signs of stress and that it wont handle your weight or body fat going any lower then STOP. We get one body in this life, and one body only. Its not worth.... listen everyone.... it is not worth life time complications. or death. 

Think, im curious. What is everyones motivation to lose weight in the first place? You think about why we do what we do? Obsess and pray to the all mighty scale? Why we we'll bring ourselves to do the unhealthy things we do, all in the name of weight loss? Just notice over the next few days and get back to me....

I think my motivation to lose weight is to feel good about myself, to like myself, to feel more confident in myself. When I have confidence and like what I see in the mirror, my outlook in life is ten times improved. Im more upbeat, less irritable, and less likely to take things too personally or in a the wrong way. I am so much happier. Thats why I want to lose weight, to be happy again.. and to attract the love of my life and eventually get married and have kids. lol

I might finish this later, I must jet to class. I hope to make it there in time, and afterwards hit the gym for a spin class and ab lab.

so far today under 500 caloreis

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

my ED looks for reasons and excuses to binge. He is the blame

thanks for the comments and words of encouragement. I come home from school or work and Im so excited to see if anyone has wrote comments or blogged.

Jenna- yes I do sign

My day turned out to be alright. I started off on the wrong side of, but turned it around. I worked and had a great shift.  I accomplished some major school midterm and homework stressors, and the week is almost over.

maybe ill even wear my hair down
listen to Beautiful you are. I love that song

answering comments

I am not deaf, but Cameron is (congenitally) , and deafness runs in my family
btw, a cup = 8oz = 16tbs= 48tsps.... and yes I am that cool to know all that. hope that helps to those/ whom asks

I love and am addicted to coffee that people often feel compelled to comment on it
The first thing I do when I get out of bed , is make my bed. It feels great to accomplish something first thing in the morning

Without the gym, I took 8657 steps, with the gym add another 2600, so total over 11000. My goal is to go at least 10,000 a day.

on the evening, i weighed 112.9 with body fat of 17% according to my scale. lets hope for the same or better reading in the am. My waist is still 24, so close to 23.5 inches, butt around 35inches, hips 31. Im very narrow and then a big wide ass. I hate it. And then I have 17inch thighs. gross. I want my size zero body back. and to be 109lbs

I worked hard on my transcribe of my lesson for reading mastery. I look like a dork, but it sure is interesting to see my flaws and areas of improvement. Also, gives a confidence boost that I am doing somethings right. Its just one bitch of an assignment, excuse my french.

No luck on getting to bed on a descent hour. If only I could stop bingeing. It makes home ten times longer, and sleep later, and all sorts. I just need to stop. I couldn't even go a full half hour at the gym, I got to thinking about stealing to afford bingeing and then bingeing obscured all other thoughts. I went home and my sister wasn't there so I started to cook something healthy and Im not sure what snapped in me, because my intent was not too but I ended up bingeing anyway. Went to starbucks just to get food to binge. lame ass Robin. Lame....

tomorrow is another day

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

brief check in...

so far so good
113.1lbs this morning, and am awaiting the effects of the high fiber extra water i imposed last night and this morning. 

did my video recording, i look sooooo goofy, but its done with. Now just have to complete the long ass assignment that goes with it. i have to transcribe the video, word for word. All 15 minutes....

Food wise: (so far, including my packed lunch)
1/c c oatmeal 1/2 apple
1/4c nonfat milk 1 carrot
8c coffee 100cals of broccoli cooked
18oz water
tbs. wheat germ
tbs. nutritional yeast
1/2 apple

and i have taken 1300 steps..... a long way to go to 10,000! and the pedometer says i have only burned a measly 34 calories =(

off to campus I go, yay classes!

Monday, February 2, 2009

thank goodness!

despite the binging, I still weigh 113.4lbs
despite no period, i took a prego test and it was negative, which is fantastic. My child would have had all sorts of problems, not to mention like a 75% chance it would be deaf if you do the matrix. And I am 22, too young! 

despite myself, i still managed to get my draft done, and prep done for practicum,
So far I am holding my studies together... barely, but all that matters is that i am managing

i went to jello shot party on saturday, and guys flirted with me. I was thrilled! And my friend Katie pulled me into a room and told me I was getting too fucking skinny. Again, I was thrilled. She said it in a concerned way, but who cares, that night I looked skinny and I felt great. 

I have not been making it to the gym. I claim its b/c of too much homework, but really i just want to go home and binge and or go to the store and binge. Bingeing seems to be all i do.

I dont have a whole lot to say. I haven't been keeping up to my expectations, or to any of you gals successes. I am just trying to get through the day alive and well, just alive. Thats enough for me. And to extra winks in, and to go a couple hours without food and without thinking of bingeing is a success. 

As long as my scale stays under 114lbs.... I can manage. 
and i have been so down on myself I couldn't even bring myself to post. So my goal tomorrow is to check in and... POST!

Tomorrows plan of attack
1. No bingeing,
2. No purging
3. 45 mins of exercise
4. Wear my pedometer and see how many steps I do in a normal tuesday (minus gym time)
5. Video my practicum session. 
6. Complete part of my assignment that goes with the video taping
7. Do my article review for behavior interventions class
8. Go to all my classes (surprisingly I haven't skipped any yet!)
9. Laugh out loud at least twice
10. Say something nice, and appreciating to my sister
11. Call my dad, and like the above- say something nice and appreciating, and I will add not raise my tone and voice, be civil
12. Be Ok with what I eat
13. Post and plan out my attack for Wednesday ( I have a 2hr essay online midterm, and I picked up a shift at work)

4c coffee apple large   pkg salmon
tbs nonfat milk 1 pkg raw broccoli tbs fat free sour cream
1/3c bran flax hot cereal 1 carrot bag of cooked veggies
tbs nutritonal yeast 1/2 onion 13 gluten free herb crackers
tbs wheat germ 1 pkg sliced mushrooms 4c coffee
18oz H2o 18oz H2o 18oz H2o

total calories: 1000 calories or less