its my birthday, im intreatment, buts its my BBBIIIRRRTTTHHHDAY. whoooo we at bh chillzze. I am doing ok, hanging in there. Thanks to all for the birthday wishes. Made me have a tredmous day. My phone kept buzzzing. One must love that facebook annouces it to everyone( my mom didint even call, just facebooked walled me mama loves you, happy bday!) But none the less, I am a happy young women on her 23rd. DO I feel different, heck no, But do I feel empowered, yes.... am I still going to purge tonight yes, but i freaking hate all the ensure plus calories. It was there fult to begin with. I was called out of lunch and they didnt save me my plate and my phone call meeting took foever so at snacks and dinner I had to add supplements to make up for my missed lunch. But all is well. Im am ok. And I am safe. Who knows where my mind is today I never got my ADD meds. OPPS on their fault too. Stupid phramacy never delviered and the whole unit was out. Therpy went well this am, but I have to go back to my slepping unit. I hear the jingle of the keys.. later

my bday is monday!!!!!!

a little update

Hey folks,

I am better today. leave it at that. Yesterday different story. I am on 1:1 or one to one supervision for self harm and eating disorder behaviors. Its intense having someone around all that time, but they bandaged me up and cover and cleaned my wounds. That I am ok with except on my arm. It makes it look worse then it is.

Yesterday was the day 8/17 that I was raped before my 16th birthday. I turn 23 on monday. Through the course of my lise several shitty thigs I have encounter and been through. I wont tell my life story here, I did so already in a group setting. What I will say is that I can get through all this pain and hurt, and one day I will not let the memories and nightmares have so much power of me and my thoguhts and actions. It was really nice to have my indeivial tharpist, who is also the head dirctor of the program, been in the rooma t the same time I told my life story.

I get to go to yoga two times this week. Since I have a one to one, I lost my level 2 privleges, but I did get to go outside for a bit and fed the ferral cats. PS spell cheaker isnt working tonight for some reason.....so I apoliges if words are jumbled and off. I am typing a stream consceince style tonight.

I did like to journal. My blogging so my type of journaling. It just works better for me. I am so anxious and shaky as I type this. I hate that I cant excerise. I am wired otnight. but I think I will take my meds earlyier so that I can sleep. Maybe I will knit some more. Just always having someone around is unerving. Yes it's for my own good but still, must they attend with me to the restroom?

got to go

no i dont think the treatment center knows I'm bloggin, but really its just my thoughts and opinions on life.

I feel must improved today

good news, but hella nerves

My mom and dad have been amazing every since our last family session. Get this. My dad is driving the 22 hours to visit me tomorrow and for a 2hr pass on Sunday! I get to leave the facility! yay! And to see my dad! I am stoked, however very nervous. What's he going to say to me? Is this a check in on me and making sure I am doing my job or the treatment is doing there job? Who knows, am I going to be able to live through the weekend and sit with my anxiety? You betcha. Don't really have another choice but is is so worth it to go on a pass. Both my individual therapist and family therapist thought it would be great for to use this opportunity to spend some one on one time with the dad. And how often with this opportunity come up. I mean, home is 22 hours away from where I am in treatment.

other good news: I have come to accept that I am going to be in inpatient treatment for awhile longer. Probably till the first week of September. That means that I must accept me not doing my internship this fall and having to post pone it, Sucks. But that's reality. I have been given this opportunity to heal and to recovery, and if insurance is paying, I need to take advantage of it. I am going to write my letter to my department supervisor after I finish blogging.

I am dieing to take pics of myself to see what I look like. I know by body has changed. I'm up to 110lbs now, with my ideal goal range of 118-121lbs. So far to ad to the good news is today is the end of day three with 100% eating my meal plan ( no hiding food, or purging). But at the end of the day I cant help but exercise. I try to do at least thirty minutes. I run in my room, jumping jacks, abs, squats, pace around, do arm dips and push ups. But overall, I am improving.

ta ta for now

she saw a mark

at snack we have to roll up ourselves, the snack monitor saw the mark I did to myself on the arm, I am freaking out. I was panicky when i did the scat ch in the first place, now I cant stop twitching even more. And my meal plan is all different. I have to do butter! and health shakes at least instead of an ensure plus. a whopping 50 cals extra. i weighed 110lbs today though my dietatican says she has no idea how much i really weigh. I am terriefeed of weighing that much for real. They weigh me three times a day now. And I promised not to weight myself don or anything

at least I have yoga to look forward too tomorrow

Check in on New Year goals
Here are the goals I set for 2009. Lets see how I am doing: yup NONE except the hair has been met

1) Grow out my hair
Still growing, no hair cut in sight... maybe a new hair color, but no length opting
2) Be 100lbs by college spring break
3) Have more patience and tolerance for my family members
Still a work in progress, much improvement I must say
4) No red meat, or pork
I do my best,same with the below
5) No trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, hydronated or partially oils
treatment makes this impossible
6) Save up $3000 in my savings account
Not so well with saving money, binge is expensive, food in general is expensive. Currently I have 78$ in my savings account.

la de da de da another day in treatment, only purged once, and I actually ate all my meals and snacks and didnt have to boost! thats a yay and yay in my book. Someone commented about being in the mindset of recovery, and to respond its an hour by hour thought of mine. i sometimes and crying because i dont want to eat, other days I am totally gung ho for recovery, yet I still engage in behaviors. Tonight however I have found out that the other peers here really do support love and care for me. We had a new inpatient admit tonight and she freaked me out. I was promised a room and NOOOOo the poor poor thing swears she was given that room, so yes I have a room to myself but I get the handicapped room. I was suppose have the normal room. I am trying to be a good person and not hate her, but she already is extremely triggers. I should feel sorry for, empathic maybe? But I love her body to some degree and she taking over my role as a trouble maker. Shes had her fits already in less then 24hours. And I have done so well today, finally got to earn back to sleeping in the EDO unit. My peers are amazing.....

tomorrow is going to be incredible hard. You know what that sad thing about wanting my own room is that I can exercise when i want. I dont like that the room is so small and that ..... Im just pissed I didnt get 108! god damn it. Ok Robin get over it. I am better then to pout over this. But- therapy garble- its ok to feel this emotion and it too shall pass. I dont know what my underline is triggering this current emotion la de da de da. Maybe it wont be so bad. I can try it for a night, but then I can switch to share a room if necessary. Just .. i dunno.

The group is watching "Intervention" on AE right now. I love that show but only the eating disorder episodes.... great ones, but very triggering.

only 25 minutes till I am off my observation. I need to make this program work. I almost was discharged today because of my non compliance and not following the program i.e. excessive pacing, restring, purging, self harm, hiding food, bargaining and not listening to stuff. But like I siad today was a good day. I talked a lot, got to know my peers better and learn that I do really like them, especially when I am struggling. I cant believe I told Cheryl what that I purged.

no they are takling about clothes. I dont even want to think about lciothes, about all the weight I am going to gain, what I wont fit into when i get homw. Now I think I should have goone ohome when I got the chance. Escape while I could . But thats the eating disorder talking. I can see that its yapping at me. But god, I feel so ugly, so hug, so chunky. I see how them tha new admit is and Jen and Elizabeth and my ED is soooo jealous. It makes me want to get better to get out with a discharge that is honaorbale to apporve the team and parents and then come back to a low low weight. Why do I so badly what to be then thin, that sick? I dont understand. I have my changin bpdy. But I guess they are right in that I need to tolerate it. Not agree, I can agree with that voice all i want, but its nesscary that i disobey it.

Alirght I am getting are jarbled and confused. Meds are kicking in. Night ladies

I am in a much better space today. Feeling more like myself. Sucks being on a sucice watch list, but they didnt put me on a hold. Still voluntary status at the treatment center in CA. Last night I had a mjor cry session and fully opened my hurt and some old wounds to the thearpists and the other patients that were in the after meal nightly wrap up. Didnt know I had it in me. I resigned and obliged to a contract to stay in the eating disorders program. If I come home now, I will get lower weight and probably get way to sever to fast. I cant beleive my insurance has been paying so far, keeping my fingers crossed for more days.... I am still very jeaouls of two of the ladies here. They both weigh under 90lbs. The lowest I ever got was 100lbs. How badly I want my life to turn around for the better yet, I still crave that low low bony weight. Why do I want to be hopsitalzied? Why do I want to be so sick I need a feeding tube? Why do I want to be kept on a hold becuase I am gravely disabled? Is it for attention? Some need of mine to prove something? Or is is that I really want to die, but dying from eating disorder is more favorable or more painful or better, like more... admirable. At least thats why the ED voice is telling me.

I did much better eating today, and controling my paceing. I am on the patch now, so no more smoking. I have to an upswing, ore more improvement over the weekend. I need to prove to the treatment team that I trust them and that I mean business. Its just fucking hard. I hate food. I think Im really fat right not. And it didnt help me seeing my weight. My meds are going to change tomorrow. I am sure this will help, but I hate being in a place in my head where I cant make good desisons and I want everything and nothing at the same time. I want to get rid of the eating disorder but not scarfice my body... recovery is going to be a long tough journey, but a much needed nesscary one at that.

Tonight I will try and love myself.
Just keeping thinking of my life goals, and what I really really want. And thats to stop hurting so much on the inside, and stop hurting my family. Stop all my negative beside. I want to be happy and to love myself. I want to simply be ok with myself and enjoy me. I wnat my family to enjoy me, and want to be around me. I want to date Mike, and have a relationship. To trust again. To love again. And to love me. And comparing to others isnt helping... I am to go to my sleeping unit.

With care, Robs

sorry for the last post, I was writing too fast. I have been in treatment offically for two weeks and two days, when an unknown discharge date.

I am feeling well today, though I am cheating the system, Iplayed sick so tha I could be in another unit whereit was easier to purge. And I purged, and at brekfast I didt eat part of my muffin and got a smaller portion of oatmeal. At lunch I chewed and spit most of my sandwaich. I still need to pce more nad burn more calories. fst..... ok.. next meal...

so I am two into treatment. what a rush. I am struggling daily witht he food and thoughts and purging and my weight. But the people and staff are really nice and accomadting. Binging is the lest frim my mind hence its lack there of in a place like this. We eat constatnly, and I am still compelling to try to get away frim hdiing food therefroe trying to escape from calories. Just eating my meal plan in 30mins is a meal to meal struggle. But much improved since last wekk, actually since day one. They have me watched a lot, for my own good. But sinec I havent had any BM action since arrival, afterprune juice and mirolax they went stright to a laxative magniesum suflate. yikes. just waiting for it to kick in now.....


peace out you peeps you friends

wish me weight loss with the lax