Saturday, January 31, 2009
Ill update later... a lot has been going on. I haven't dropped off the face of the planet yet. My head is swirling. Designs will have to be made, same with plans and my disordered eating needs to stop. Im just.... so e and lost. And still no period! and im fucking fat at 113.4 ? lbs Because i cant keep myself out of the binging....
Monday, January 26, 2009
one of the ladies at the home I work at, touches my belly and taps it. "Youre going to have a little girl, arnt u?" and it shocked me! One, I havent had my period yet, and I should have or should be in the next day or so. And two.... did I look like im going to have a baby? My stomach is not that big??? oh my word.... my period better come...... i better not be pregnant, i better not be pregnant, i better not be pregnant, i better not be pregnant!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
so i sit at work, and woe over who didn't eat their dinner or wouldn't drink their resource. I worry over if my residents are losing too much weight. And i hide my tears when i can lift an 80 year man into bed all by my petite self, ANd when I remove his clothes and he is nothing but skin and bone. I cry...
yet.. im purposing striving to look something like that...
I am re-prioritizing...
Im off to sleep, then in the am teach the 3rd graders, home for homework (paper writing and study guide making), then back to class, and the gym, then home and back to bed. This week is just starting and the last one barely ended. Im exhausted.....
FINALLY !!! a weight shift in the downwards direction
I am a smart eating disorder person. Or at least I do the best that I can, and I try to be. I want to be healthy. Thats my goal. I want to be the healthiest person I can. I get this body one time, only one life in it. So.... then am I contradiction? Because, common sense says... eating disorders arent healthy. But I can rationale the above in a million ways, from here the moon and back with free coffee and splenda.
I work out
I drink water
I eat enough protein, who cares if its not meat. Vegetarians are healthy people!
I get the important vitamins and minerals in, I take supplements yes, but i strive for whole food approach.
"whole foods? you eat fake meat, or weird veggie labeled diet food? arent they all processed, and full of weird, non natural, fake substances?
- Not all of the above is true, some yes. READ THE INGREDIENTS! Soy is natural... thats all on that. I will pick my battles...
Anyways, I do try and take care of myself. Eat enough, just not over due it and become obese. Workout for the mental benefits, and keep toned and strong. Lean as well.
So yes, I classify myself as a "smart" eating disorder person. I know when to stop, I am in control. I know what are eating disorder thoughts and behaviors, I can acknowledge and ignore. Better yet, I am a functional anorexic. Thats maybe a better choice for a descriptive word. Functional.
I am a functional anorexic (or striving to be... f mia)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
still 113.3lbs.... for like a week now.
How many lbs can robin lose during her first week of work? I walk and am on my feet all time, moving and assisting people. I cam home yesterday absolutely starving. So tonight I ate a more sustainable meal and and bringing a dinner snack.
and lots of caffeine!
My first day on the job was alright. I was nervous, but i had a good time. The people I work with are nice enough, same with the residents. A lot to learn and remember but I am up for it.
so I am killing time before I hit work again and am not doing homework. I cant get motivated to do it. Which sucks, because their is so much on my list to do!
I have been staying under 1000 calories. Yay! Not working out. Boo. Getting along with people. Yay. Working. Yay. SO far today I havent binged. Yay. or Purge. Yay.
My one limit. Work is purge free zone. No ifs and ors about it.
Talk with you gals, and guys! later...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
all 4hrs it took me to complete all the paper work and reading i needed to get done before I can work my first shift. But I am done.... and I am going to bed early, I have a long stressful weekend ahead.
113.3lbs, intake today wad under 700 calories, with 200 burned at the gym. I am really good about walking everyday for at least 30 mins, to campus and back, upstairs, around. I get in.
I am successfully slowly weaning myself from BPing, set limits and boundaries. I am going to try and cut myself off completely tomorrow. I have work now, and work will conflict my BP evening routine. I am hoping it will break the cycle for me. I need all the distractions I can get... and money to pay off all the bills I racked up through the vicious deed.
im just so glad the day is over. what a long day. teaching went well, I went to all my classes, and turned in my assignments, and heck smiling and laughed most of the day. I even got coffee with deanna.
OH and an egg donor contact person phoned me and said they were interested!
and im going to go to bed now, sleep tight everyone!
Teaching was fun, and it went well. I just a lot of prep work to do this weekend, god willing I dont have the time, or money for copying fees, but it shall be done. I get it done this weekend, it'll be a breeze come next week. But Im not so anxious about it... just wait till observation day. Ill save my woes for that, not going to sweat the small stuff.
Off to class, long long day ahead of me. Wish me luck
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
113.5lbs....Im seem to be stuck here.
maybe if i actually went to the gym... i have been just so f***ing busy. I think this is the first, other day my 78min class that i am sitting down. i think I got everything done today, homework wise that I needed to. I am in over my head, all of a sudden too. It didnt help that I started work today, had orientation and before friday i have to complete 20 modules. It doesnt seem too hard, and I get paid for the time it takes me to complete all the reading.. but still. another major thing added to the list. I just need to get through this week. After that, I think I am going to be ok. I can survive this week, as hell as it is.
I dont want to cancel on deanna tomorrow, but I have too. I have to take a phone call at that time, and I need to prep for the practicum.. sorry girl.
Take a deep breathe. I am not perfect. I can get it all done, I always do. I'm ok... and I am safe. Goodnight
dinner was yummy.... still bp later though. im pissed about it. I think my jaw is swollen from doing it like multiple times each day this week.
BUT... no sex with cameron, no nothing. I help my ground. And we had fun, I laughed a ton. I hate that wine has calories. And it makes me eat.... and why do i worship the scale even at night. I am so irritated because I do really well restricting during the day, eating really healthy. and then BOOK night time, its dark I binge... there was a .6 increase on the scale and I am in a fowl mood.
I am in a fowl mood because I didnt get to the gym bc my prof mtg went late and cameron gave over.
My day is light tomorrow. I need to finish my annotated bibliography, thats my major homework priority, and need to practice the lessons that I teach on thursday. Im flipping nervous bout that too. I dont want to look incompetent or stupid. I just want to be good at it, good at something...
So, I go to teach in the morning, then back to my house to change clothes and eat, more coffee, switch bags and books and then i plan on hiking to campus and staying there to late evening.I will meet with Deanna at 1pm for coffee, then class, then rec center till 8. A nice long rec session should cure my woes, pray, I need to make sure then that I get all my school work done prior to Deanna.
I have to get my shit in order, my ducks in a row, especially since I will hopefully start work this weekend. New things, changes, freak me out. I think thats my problem...
Im just so freaking nervous.... anxious?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
my sister hasn't said or mentioned anything to me
I think I got the job, shes going to call me after my last reference check comes in, and then I will sign the new hire papers, and then I start this weekend! yea! still no word on how much I will make, but I will be working like 24hrs each weekend (Fri Sat Sun 3pm-11pm)
Practicum went well today, cant believe I lost sleep over it being nervous. I run assessments tomorrow with the kids and start teaching on thursday.
Cameron is coming over to do laundry. I'm making dinner and hes bringing wine.... He better not try anything, and keep his thing in his pants.
thats all for now, I have to run to campus to print, talk to a prof... the one that knows about the ED, and make some photo copies so I can teach, and make a quick 300cal burn at the gym,
so far calories are at 545.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I forgot to flush the toilet after I puked in it before my shower. My sister saw it..... Do I talk to her about it? Wait till she approached me? shit..... my heart is racing. I think I should talk to her about it, she knows about the ED, but we never talk it. Probably would be best right? I dont know what to do, or what to say if I do talk to her. I cant just pretend that it didnt happen bc that would be just awkward, everything else in her and my life is already awkward.
the other dilemma is she hasnt left the house yet. ANd I ate a donut and chocolate milk and I need to purge again. She needs to leave so I can go purge.. and I think she is delaying her departure on purpose.....
Ok I left on a note on her bed.
I am sorry. I'm working on it. If you want to talk about it, find me. I am open to it. Really, I'm sorry
... now I wait and see, shes gone now, dont know where.. but she is at least gone from the apartment.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I am under 1000 cals, but a lot. I think for the day Ive had about 830 cals, and that includes the wine I am sipping on as I type.
And no purge, heck I didnt even stock up on any binge food today... I am clean, and hoping to stay that way through the rest of the night.
I turned in a couple job applications today. Pray that I get call backs and interviews. Not a whole lot of homework ton, and I didnt make it to the gym classes like I had hope, but I dont care. Applying for jobs was more important. And eating when I was hungry, so that I dont have a BP later... way more important.
I am feeling alright too. Up beat, and smiling. Its been a really good day. I even did my hair straight and put on cute clothes, wore a real bra. Did the works for the job applying and I fell really god about that. Its amazing how your day can shape with a little sunshine and liking how you look... the wine might also be helping. I knew I wanted some later, as a reward for no BPing, so I have been saving my daily cals for it. I am so glad I did because it is hitting the spot. And as much as I love my sister, having her not in the apartment when I eat and prepare meals is a blessing. I can be myself.... Its just weird sometimes you know, when she and her friends are around in the common room. The kitchen is adjacent and my room requires me walking through from the kitchen through the common room carrying my plate of veggies and weird diet food. I always feel judged, paranoid I am sure. But still, I enjoy eating when no one is home....
We are counting down the minutes till the new president! How exciting we get to live during this time and moments. Amazing..
I am going to find a good movie to watch on tv. Me, myself, and my wine... goodnight for now
My run felt amazing, and the sun on my cheeks. I am all glistening with sweat and loving it, as I sip my ice cold H2o. Sister is home now, so I am going to have to battle her for the car, but heck.. I will pick my battles, maybe take the bus to Starbucks or maybe even walk there. Its about a mile, probably would get there quicker than taking the bus. I just dont study well in my apartment...
Im going to go find something to eat. I need a post run meal.. laters
a little secret:
scale says 112.5lbs! and the sun is out again! and I am up before noon today so I can go and enjoy it and not feel guilty about not doing my homework. Sweet, after breakfast I am hitting the trails for a 45min run, I think, my watch is broken (accidentally ran over it with the car... long story.. haha). My plan of attack is to check what time I leave and see it again when I get back, so I wont know how many miles, I dont care, calories, I dont care, I am just doing it for the love of the sport.
to put my weight loss into another perspective: over the last, say 35 days (Dec 6th ish) I have lost 12lbs.... whoot whoot
since Nov 1st, I have lost umm.... say like 18lbs? let me hear it.... whoot whoot
Today I am going to go to a couple gym classes, after homework of course. Through my bingeing and purging last night I simultaneously did homework, so I am ok in that department. Having a holiday tomorrow helps too!
You know how I know its going to be a good day?
Secret: all the good songs come on in a row on the radio, and the coffee is just right, same with the oatmeal
Another secret: everyday is a new day with no mistakes on it!... now, the key is to keep all this positive high spirit energy through out the day and to keep my safe from the evil ED Bp thoughts, no not thoughts, I cant control the thoughts. I just have to accept them as them, but just not act on them. I am control of my actions. Not ED
On that note, I did get up the courage to email my old therapist form intensive outpatient on recommendations for who to see in my college town.
Advice for the day: Go outside and play today, do something fun that makes you smile and laugh. Dance to a good tune, watch a funny show with a good cup of joe, color. Do something for you.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I just finished reading 12 peer reviewed journal articles. My brain and eyes are exhausted. Research papers are sooo much work. Im not used to all this academic crap. I dont mind it, just not used to it.
I am sticking to my guns, and said no to Cameron tonight. I probably will bail on my sis and you friend, Im tired, and dont know anyone. Well see...
Ive ate 200 cals, plus 2 Bp sessions, and a lot of chew and spit. Who knows how many calories that I consumed in the previous stated activities. At least I got some homework done...
I did it. I asked my sister and her friend if I could join them tonight. And they said yes, theyd love me to tag along. Step 1: check. Step 2: Now I just have to follow through with it.
Im making soup for tonight in the slow cooker. Yum, but full of sodium..... ah, I hate that. And I am doing my best to calculate the calories before i eat it.
And the sun is out, and shining, I think I have SAD. God I love the sunshine. I am going to get my articles to read, then find a place to sit and read. Still cold, but worth it. Maybe even go for a run. I have to wait for my stomach to settle, laxs are off and on this morning..
Friday, January 16, 2009
clarification #1: cameron and I are not dating,
clarification # 2: once again.... this just hit me a few minutes ago, today I had a bp session... to avoid his calls and messages..! omg, aaaha ha moment.
wow.... to to much just rushed and flushed to mind at this moment i cant typed fast enough. must go and think. PS I love spell checker as I type
I live in the past
Fearful to move foreword into the future
And I am impatient.
Morning started out alright. Did chores, my sister said thank you! She still hasnt invited me out, yet I havent asked if i can join her and her friends.
Tried to turn in a job app, got lost which frustrated me. Went to the mall. Bought jeans, I like them. Though I said I would but them after purge free weekend, well screw that. i need jeans that fit me, not my size four jeans that look ridiculous and make me look fat. So i bought smaller jeans and I am now a little happier. Size 26. I didn't fit into the size zero at AE, but the jeans weren't all that cute anyway. I shouldn't have throw out my small clothes. I through out a bunch when i got home in Nov from impatient. SO.... anyways, i got even more frustrated and unconsciencely walked into Old country Buffet. Seriously, I find myself in there. It was right across from the restroom, and my parking spot. and there I was. For a long time too. It was the best numbing experience, sad, too. I spent from like 3 there till 4:30, then shopped in target, bought and stole shit and, then went and picked up thai food and proceeded to binge and purge more at home. Stepped on the scale, 114. so I took laxatives. I know the reason I havent pooped in several days is from the Bping. It totally dehydrates me and I have been drinking water like I normally do b/c I want the scale number to be low.
Ill get my homework done this weekend. But I am afraid the whole weekend at the same time is going to be consumed by spending money and stealing and bingeing and purging. All because I am lonely, and starving. I didn't play my cards right today. I am am facing the consequence. At least I can return one thing at target and get some money back...
stupid ED. I skipped my coffee date for it. lame Robin. lame...
BUT... i will be grateful for what I do have. I am breathing, I have heat, water, and a roof over my head. I am not dead, I have lungs, a beating heart, arms and legs. I have a lap top, and parents alive who do help me with what they can. I am grateful that I can read and write, and have a drivers license. And I am grateful that I have this opportunity to get and finish my college education. I am grateful that I am only 22. I still have decades ahead of me to figure my shit out.... on that note, im hitting the bed sheets and catching some refreshing ZZZZ's
tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes on it, a clean slate to take advantage of. A new day.
the scale is still holding that number
Ive already consumed 432 calories and its not even noon... this eating so I dont purge shit is hard.... I am getting ready to leave my apartment and go meet a couple friends for coffee. Two coffee dates in one day, im a lucky girl. Expensive, but worth it for the social aspect. Then I think I am going to do chores around the house and work out. Just as long as I make it to the gym today, I will call the day successful. If I leave straight from starbucks, I should have at least an hour or so to workout before the gym closes.
adios, for now. we all know Ill will blog later. I am officially addicted.
Goal: no purging this weekend, monday on my school day off I will buy a new pair of jeans, maybe size 0? aye
Thursday, January 15, 2009
fyi, I am not doing well. Managing, but not well.
My day started out alright, nothing out of the ordinary. I am doing great at restricting but then I get so hungry towards the end of the day that I binge and purge, the cycle seems endless and I am getting bolder and bolder each time. My weight was 112.5lbs this morning. I am buying new batteries tomorrow, and then well see what my real weight is. I think I am going to weigh myself on the gym scale too. I dont know if I can trust just one. I need more data and evidence that I am getting skinner. If I remember too, i grab my swim suit and take new pictures. My collar bones and ribs are starting to show more, same with my hips bones. I just wish my butt and thighs would trim down!!!
I am spending money I dont have and this scares me. I dont have a job and I can donate plasma till another week. And what if that doesn't work out? Potentially I can make 240$ a month from that, if I get accepted and donate 2 times a week. That better work out. HA or better yet. STOP THE FUCKING BINGING ROBIN> You wouldnt be spending so much money. I think I need to concentrate on eating enough to curb the bingeing and purging. I know I keep saying this. Probably ever entry. I just need to do it. If I just didnt have so much time on my hands... hence why i need a job! or some friends.
I talked to a teacher of mine today. And a little too much about my eating disorder came out. I am fine with being open about it. I just need to keep losing weight and not get noticed. At least my research paper is now on ED's. I know a lot about them and I love studying and researching it so I am excited to work on it this weekend. There is so much homework to do this week. I am glad its a long one. I am going to meet Laura for coffee tomorrow so at least I have one social thing to do. And no classes tomorrow, and no school monday. Whoa 4 day weekend. And sleeping in tomorrow is exciting. And I will make it to the gym. Haven't been in awhile since I have been preoccupied and fascinated with bingeing in my evenings.... why did I reveal so much? I cant believe I did that. Im all paranoid now that shell notice things. At the same time, i want to lose even more weight. I cant wait to be under 110lbs again!!!!!!! 3 lbs away. I can do this I can.
I cant let it get out of hand. I cant start struggling in school. Ditching classes and coming to class late. Getting behind in my studies. I need friends. And calorie and dieting can get in the way of friends. I dont want my life revolving around food, well too late. it does. All I think about is food. Seriously, i even dream about it. The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to jump on the scale. That is so freaking sad, but true. God, why cant my life just be normal.
Does anyone know what its like to be starving, so hungry, yet am terrified of food. All I want is food, but I just cant do it. What an awful way to live. I will only succumb to most eatings just because I know I can purge it or burn it at the gym. And I dont dare eat in front of people, it feels like a sin. What are they thinking of me? of what I am eating? Are they judging? Do they think I am fat? Skinny? A pig? I know its all in my head.. but still....
Oh and I have decided I cant see Cameron anymore. We are officially dating, but I dont think I can even be around him. We have been having sex, and I cant handle it. I was thinking about this all yesterday and today. My bingeing got out of control again when he and I hooked up. And it is something I need to stop now before it gets out of hand. Its an abusive relationship, has the signs of it anyway, and I cant get caught in the mess. When we have sex, he beats me. Seriously, I get bruises. He is rough. Hes controlling, and makes me do things I dont want to do. Its not fun. He is totally controlling in more then that way. Outside of the bedroom too. Its hard to put the words on it, and explain but its not good. I think at first I got sucked in because he is such a charmer, and I always think it will be different but its never different. And I liked the attention. I had someone to hang out with, someone was showing interest in me and telling me I was pretty. It felt nice to have someone to cuddle with. But I am a smart girl and I can see the signs. I need to follow through with what my gut and instincts are saying. And they have been screaming at me for a long time about this. But how do I end it? Just stop answering his calls. Obviously not call him myself. Do you know how hard this is going to be? He's the only one that show interest in hanging out with me? I don't have anyone else, other then my bulimia habits. And throwing myself into school work. And again, I think thats why the bulimia has got worst over the last week and a half. I am using it as a coping method. It numbs me, and occupies me. And keeps me busy, and keeps me hidden from what I am really feeling. I am feeling overwhelmed, jealous of my sister, sad, really lonely. and sad. very sad. and.. really lonely. And when I feel all that, thats when I pick apart my body...
why, my old therapists and treatment folk would be proud of me. SO I know all this. then why cant I stop my eating disorder. Why wont it go all away? why am I not happy, and go lucky and successful with my life? and I just doomed to suffer? To never marry, to always be lone. Why does nothing good ever happen to me?
I should be grateful what I do have. Really... I need to be grateful. And not feel so entitled. I am such horrible person. I dont expect anyone to care. I journal to try and make sense of my world and to feel a little better. I need to stop making everything into a competition.
I have weird goals in life.... I know I need inpatient treatment again. I know this, but I wont accept it. I will go again if I think it bad again, right now I am managing. And when I am done with school, or out for summer. Sure that time I can go and deal, but not right now. My health should be my priority but its not. I need to finish college and get my degree. So why are my goals weird? I want to be the best anorexic. I want to get my weight so low that I have to be forced to eat, forced to go into treatment. When I am that bad, then I know I am skinny and thin. I want to be the best anorexic and have to be tube fed. Seriously... sick.. right? But its true. Dont judge, I am being open and honest.
I just dont get how other people and restrict, restrict, restrict and restrict and not binge/purge?
Im exhausted. Its late. Im going to bed. And not going to binge anymore tonight. I think I can actually be successful at that.
Recap of food:
Br: 6c coffee, 1/4c v slender soy milk
Lunch: 2 celery stalks, 1c romaine shredded, 1 tbs fat free feta, 60cals of smoked salmon, mustard and washbi homemade 10cal dressing, 1/2 peeled cucumber, 2tbs chopped red onion, 1c sliced mushrooms
Snack: small gala apple, 20oz coffee with 2tbs ish nonfat milk
Snack: 40cal sugar-free jello, 20oz coffee with 2tbs ish nonfat milk
Dinner: binge purge, binge purge, and yet binge purge: who knows how many cals I fucking absorbed. I am pretty sure my parfait and bagel with cream cheese stayed down. I didnt purge in time. thats got to be like 1000 cals right there. fuck. thats depressing.
ok. really, now I am going to bed. And promising myself a killer workout at the gym tomorrow
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
he over here again... and he was here last night. And I hate the little high pitch oh im trying to flirt and be funny voice he uses all the time.. and they guy I am referring to is the guy my sister told or so she says, I just want to be friends... grrhhhhh. Go somewhere else! Like his place for once. I dont like being trapped in my bedroom.
I really need money. Not a job, just money. I am in debt, and keep spending, and stealing. And its not a good path for me. So I keep stealing, and I need to stop. OR just be a better ana and fuck bulimia and dont eat. My purging is on the bright side getting my weight down. Pretty all the calories that go in, come out threw vomiting. Gross I know. But it gets the job down. I eat only 500 at most over the last week and I am down to 113lbs believe it or not. I dont, I think my scale is playing a joke on me. I need to buy another scale or B get new batteries and see if thats the weight I really am.
Monday, January 12, 2009
My scale is out of batteries or I have worn it out. It hasnt been the most trustwothy these days, and besides I dont care what the scale said this morning (115.6lbs) becasue I ate little yesterday, didnt purge yesterday, and despite waking in the middle of the night hungry.. I didnt cave and eat. Also, so far today I have only consumed 700cals worked out, had a productive day with classes and studies and.... cheer... no purge! I am exhausted, and can starving, but I dont have a lot of homework tonight so I can hit the sheets early. I am going to have another long day on campus tomorrow so food wise I need to get in the kitchen and prepare. I am planning on attending water aerobics before i have classes in the wee early am of 6:30am, which means I leave my house around 6 which means I am up and drinking coffee at 5:45am! sheewsh! So I am going to be brief so I can get some Z's... I am feeling a ok.
Goal: 104lbs by spring break
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Robin here: Reporting to you her success for the day. 114.5lbs this morning. Burned off around 400 cals, and ate way under 500 calories. Heres how. I made my oatmeal breakfast, ate about half and saved the rest for tomorrow morning. And I slept in late so that wasted my day away and kept me from food. Spent the rest of the daylight in the library being a good girl and studying, then hit the gym for a bit. Came home, started laundry and ate my simply delicious low cal dinner. About 100cals of chicken baked with 40cals of asparagus, 40cals of mushrooms, and 35cals of yellow onion all baked together with lemon pepper on top and a little oregano. And water, I have been drinking lots of water. Especially on the after days of a binge and purge.
To stay purge free tonight to not ruin my great low intake day, I plan on showering, crunching, and then going to bed. If I get hungry there is 40cals of sugarfree jello in the fridge, along with some pickles and prunes. I am going to try and get at least another chapter read tonight, and then turn it in with a movie. Im thinking harry potter. My sister is home with a friend studying in the day room, which I will use to my advantage so that I cant binge and purge. I could always call my friend Amy. She reaffirmed tonight that she likes those calls, they make her feel needed and she likes supporting me. And I like talking to her, she has a knack of turning every time into a "we can laugh at this."
I took the time this weekend and typed up a schedule for the week. On it I have my classes, workout classes, and when to eat. I am going to stick to it the best I can and stay purge free. I need to stay focus on school obviously but cant let myself go sour. I want the weight loss, but not to be unhealthy and gross and disgusting by bingeing and purging. I know I am better then that. Days like today prove it. I love the feeling I get when I am on a starving high. And I love the feeling I get when things go my way, the way I planned it. And I am in control and on top of my game. Today has been one of those days.
Another plus for the day, my mom agreed to pay the 40.00$ for the X pass at my student recreational center. Now I can take the different workout classes they offer. My hope is that not only will I work out, but I will be social too.
Well I am off to go practice my sounds for the reading practicum I am in this quarter... and NOT purge
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Jeans are getting awfully baggy, and collar bones are starting to show ok. I am stoked. Off to finish my 85cal veggie lunch and then I am hitting the rec center for a 400cal workout.
and now my apartment space is awkward. My sister is entertaining a male friend whom she claims to want to pull apart and only be friends.... humm, ain't looking that way to me. He just made her this cute fancy dinner and brought over beer and his dog. Oh, and have I mentioned how I an allergic to dogs? and this animal is sweet as can be be sheds major! But I am deeply jealous how many boys adore my sister and are madly in love with her... lucky bitch..
heres my food recap for the day:
Breakfast: 1/4c oatmeal, 1/2c nonfat milk, 2tbs soy protein powder, 1 small apple diced, cinnamon, 4c black coffee
Lunch: water, 3 celery stalks, 1 med carrot, 4oz sliced mushrooms, garlic, 4tbs chopped red onion, with lots of pepper all sautéed together
Dinner: 3 turkish apricots, 75cals of broccoli steamed, 100cals worth of chicken, 10 white
mushrooms cooked with lemon pepper seasonings
Snack: 2 shrimp, venti americano with splash of nonfat milk
not sure the exact amount, but def under 1000 for the day
But I always blog in the morning, while eating my oatmeal. And that is excatly what I am doing right now.
Woke up after sleeping in, felt fabulous. The scale is still 115lbs, even after a long content and satisfying chew,spit, purge session while watching the movie twister. And I stayed under 400 cals for that day. No workout, but I am ok with that. I ran into an old friend at Starbucks and chatted with her for hours when I was suppose to be studying. It was worth it though. It sit and chat and laugh, I am not stressed anymore after chatting with her. That girl has had her own hardships, cant really eating wise, but I still can openly talk to her with out the fear of being judge. I told her my story, where I have been over the last 2 years, and she exchanged as well. Normally, I would be annoyed that I didnt get all the reading I had planned to do done, but I love that I was spontaneous and chatted hours away with her. She had another friend with her as well who turned out to be in one of my classes. Shes cool too. So Ive made a friend. Yay.
I turned in a couple job apps. lets hope they bite. I need cash. Btw, you know you are poor when you water down your milk every time you use it to make it last longer. You know you are eating disordered when you still count the milk at full caloric value. me= guilty
My plans for today are pretty laid back. School work of course, and a workout session is a must. I just wish it would stop raining so that I could go and do a long run. If its not pouring I might. I just prefer the gym so I know exactly how many calories I burn.
My food goal is to stay under 500cals. With my oatmeal breakfast I am already at 250.
I love waking up in such a good mood, all you want to do is dance dance dance
Friday, January 9, 2009
I came down with a case of the should's and the fuck its today.
I threw out my diet pills. I am better then that.
I did make it to the gym once for half and hour. And walked to campus and back twice. And I did my homework and went to all my classes. an ok day. Heck I even talked to people in my class.
Dont know what to say really. I usually have tons to say. But I think I need to tonight, ask for advice. Has anyone been in an abusive relationship?... more details to come. I am not up to talking about it, not now anyway.
I wish I had friends at school. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, and not disclose so much information. And I wish.... that I could just be normal. Not thinking about food 24/7, not spending money I dont have on bingeing food that I either purge or just spit. There is so much more to life then this. I know there is. I want it. But how do I get it?
No classes tomorrow, and then its the weekend and I have a pretty easy monday. There is binge food in the house, but my goal is to stay under 500cals a day, and to burn at least 500 at the gym each day. Totally possible. And I need to get all my homework done and everything else on my weekend chore list. And hopefully something social will come up and Ill go... stupid worry over cals or my body and everything. Bingeing. I should have gone out tonight. Should have taken a risk. But I didnt. ANd here I am...
its best to not should on yourself
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
this scares me a little, and I say a little on purpose
I knew once I would start, that it would this way. SO i did it anyway, and now I dont care. As long as I am losing weight I dont care. Spending all the money on the food I do care about, so I steal as much as I can. But I dont have motivation to stop my recent bingeing and purging habits. I jsut freaking ordered a pizza. And I will chew and spit and purge and enjoy myself. I will also be productive with my homework.
I am so screwed in the head. And I am sick of, not any of you, but those I run into on campus commenting on how good I look. I hate it.
My time will come. It will come. I will be back at 113, then 110 then under 100 in no time, watch out yos
sweeesh.... day one is done and over. Thank Goodness.. No tears YEA. But Sure by hell am I glad its over. I woke up today, smiling, rested, and looking at this school year and life in a better light.
I woke up today seriously in a good mood. Scales said 115.6lbs But I do confess I B/Pd yesterday a lot, so I am sure I was really dehydrated.
Btw, my county is in a state of Emergency. Flooding!!! and evacuations and school closures for the wee ones everywhere because of all the rain, on top of the snow melt from warming. Crazy, I came home from school yesterday looking like a wet rat, soaked all the way through my jeans.
3/4c nonfat milk
1/4c oatmeal with cinnamon
2tbs soy protein powder
1 can tiny shrimp washed and cooked with pepper (60cal, 0 fat, and 14g protein)
1 tbs fat free feta cheese
2.5 shredded romaine lettuce
1 tbs Newmans lot fat ginger dressing
2 tbs chopped red onion
so far, I am under 500 cals. I am going to the gym later, and will do homework. Oh boy oh boy. But I justed wanted to quickly check in. I am doing alright.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
But the thank you's aren't for that. Those who commented made my morning. I don't have anyone around school or even near me that understands and get its. To have someone understand, and hear me, and write back... like sorta a conversation, makes me feel not so alone. So thank you.
I woke up late, and not going to eat my oatmeal. But plan a work out in my day somehow. Its the first day back... Even I cant be perfect.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Heres what I am thinking. Lets see if it happens:
6am Wake up, Zan3 pills, and coffee
6:30am or earlier leave and walk to campus
Hit the gym till 8ish goal to burn 800cals, then shower
11-12, Break: eat a banana, and walk around campus
2-4pm Break: Eat 1c cheerios, walk home for more coffee, walk back to campus
6pm, walk back home and homework, frozen veggies with a boca and 1/4c cooked brown rice
lets hope it works....
almost... i binged and purged tonight... well.. it was worth a try. still thats a long recored for me. I just ate too much and then said I want more, so I ate more. so then I purged. Im losing weight. I have to. And it wasnt a full on binge session, so not even a binge. I just found myself starving and eating my extra rice and then 2 cookies then a prune and milk. And I found myself scared and freaked I did it. I have been doing well, with limited calories, and I couldnt let that moment of weakness fail me.
Espically after I ran into crew people, old teammates, and teacher. They all say I look so good which means I look healthy and fat. And I only worked out 200 cals at the gym. Pathetic
School starts tomorrow. Wish me luck
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I baked mushrooms with my chicken for dinner tonight. Can I just say yum! I usually just saute mushrooms with other veggies ( celery, onion, mushrooms, and garlic mostly)
I did better today food wise than I expected. I am so proud! Heres my daily recap for those it inspires:
Breakfast: 1/2c oatmeal, 1/2c nonfat milk, coffee, tbs raisins and cinnamon
Lunch: coffee, 1/2 yellow onion, 1/3 red onion, 1 small head of romaine lettuce (about 10 leaves)
Dinner: water, homemade seaweed mushroom soup (100cals), chicken, and baked mushrooms
Todays total: Under 700cals
I walked for 45mins, and did 100 leg lifts each side, with 50 each on inner legs, and 200 crunched, 25 pushups girl style, and 30 tri dips, with stretching
So I am anticipating the next question or comment: What soup??? Here is my recipe.
can of reduced sodium light chicken broth (30cals)
2 seaweed sheets shredded (15cals)
a heaping of minced garlic (ocals)
curry to taste
8oz sliced mushrooms (50)
1/2c apple cider vinegar
if too salty, water it down
just heat and stir. voila!
And yes I am a little concern what the salt that I ingested tonight will affect the scale tomorrow morning. Lots of water to help flush it
I cant even walk straight. The wind is gusting up to 50mph. And its snowing. And I thought itd be fun and calorie burning to walk the student bookstore. Cold!!! but I did it. So now I wait till my roommate sister arrives and then I can complete my other chores. Snack time, maybe some crunches, nap and football watching time.
this living on my own is sure awfully lonely.. but... last night, I had a bed buddy. Last night turned out way better than I expected, and I utilized myself control. Well, I did gain calories from alcohol (vodka) but I had fun. And so much for drinking no soda as a new years resolution, it was diet coke at least. And I had three in one day. My guy friend cameron came over and slept over too so I wouldnt be by myself. And yes we made out while watching a movie. He brought over thai food and I only had two bites of chicken. I was so proud of myself. And I am still purge free for the new year! Bring on day 4.
Its almost 1pm and I am still eating my oatmeal, in my pjs and robe. Im having a hard time making decisions this morning. I am flustered about spending money, just bringing myself to spend it and then trying to decide what groceries I need to buy. How to budget my money and get ready for school tomorrow, I am feeling a little tweaked out. A little more than tweak, I am freaking out. I havent cried yet today, almost. And I only yelled and hung up on my dad once out of the four times we have already spoken on the phone. Really Dad, you need to check in on me 4times already? I havent even been in bellingham solo for even 24 hours.
Well I need to stop goofing off and get some stuff done. Ill write more later
Saturday, January 3, 2009
my room looks amazing. I love my new bed, and the bedding. Pink sheets with green and white polka dot duvet cover. My dad was awesome today. He packed the car with me, drove me, built my shelves and even went to the store to buy me more hangers. He stayed with me till after 5pm. Way longer than I expected him to stay. And he kept saying he had a good feeling about this. God I love him.
So I didnt something this morning I havent done in forever. I threw away my breakfast into the toliet and flushed it. I just didnt want it, wasnt hungry, and was eager to get that car packed and drive away. I am glad I did it now, for lunch I went to subway. Stay safe with a turkey breast wheat sub with no cheese and veggies. 280cals. And I snacked on 4 peices of sugarfree hard candy, and am now cooking dinner. So far I am ok with my total cals for the day under 1000. And i havent excerised or purged. Definatly have thought about binging and purging. But I cant afford it, yay for that, and my apartment has only safe food in it.
So what if it comes up again tonight? I will shower, do crunchs or run around my apartment. If I have to I will go into the cold and walk for a bit. I can put more stuff away. Or simply just go to sleep. SHower, bath, heck masterbuate. I am NOT GOING TO BINGE AND PURGE. Today has been just too good of a day and its not worth it. wish me luck
116.8lbs.... im ok with that, for today at least.
I have to make it short for I have an hour and a half drive to get going on. Off to school! yay. Im stoked. Ill write more when I get there. Im sure Ill need the blogging entertainment and distraction. For one, so I dont do anything stupid like binge and purge. And two, to not feel so lonely when I get there.
ok, that is all. Going to do my best to stay around 1000 calories today. And to be kind to myself, a and have a little fun
Friday, January 2, 2009
why didnt I just take my own advice?
NEVER step on the scale right before bed. it said 118.5lbs. This morning it said 116lbs. What will tomorrow say. I ate comfortably today. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I am freaking out because I am moving tomorrow. But I liked seeing 116 lbs. No, I loved it. Was I just dehydrated, or all pooped out?
Im going to go and do excerise in my room. Abs, leg lifts, squats with weights.It will help me fall asleep faster.
btw, my room looks so... lonely. With all my stuff packed up. It lost all its life. Sad. I wonder if they, my parents, will even miss me? Or are they ecstatic the "bitchy food disordered moody, except funny and can be lovely at times third born daughter of theirs" is gone? No one has said a word to me. In days....
at least I fit back into my skinny clothes, I tried them on this evening. I fit back into my professional teaching clothes!
I am so glad I went to therapy group tonight. It gave me some closer and some motivation. Today was two full days without purging and staying on track with calories. I only worked off 300 of them at the gym, but only at 1130 cals total of healthy stuff too. And my water!
Just right now, in this moment, I feel that everything is going to be ok. Im ok and everything is going to be alright. Change is hard. But I can handle it. I can handle this. And if I keep taking it one day at a time, or heck one hour at a time, I'm going to make it.
So add to the 2009 list for the new year, that I am not going to give up on myself. Im scared, thats ok. I am nervous, thats ok. I just am going to have to feel what I am feelings, and give myself a little deserved credit. And keep journaling the way I have been this week, because it is making a difference, a healthy impact on my life and I am enjoying all the benefits. So in two days, I am going to email my therapist from the Moore Center, and the dietitian and tell them how I am doing. And its going to be a fantastic report. But I am going to take school one moment at a time, and I will get through it.
Omega 3 helps with depression I learned tonight. So salmon for dinner! and broccoli of course! And then more packing. Come 11am tomorrow I will be moved into my apartment, and goodbye parents house, hello freedom.
I am sooooo freakkkkking excited!
humm, well see what it says tomorrow morning on moving day. I am however extremely impressed with myself from all that I accomplished yesterday, including no purging what so ever. Today... going to do the same thing. No purging, and limit my spending... I need to save that money.
I love the breakfast that I have. Since I need to run errands and work out this morning, I have to eat at a different time. But I think thats going to be okay. Usually I dont eat until after 10:30am, the longer I can hold it off the better. I feel that the sooner I eat in the day, the more I eat in the day so the longer I hold off the better.
My usual breakfast: plus vitamins, plus zantrex3
1 small apple diced and cooked in the oatmeal
2tbs soy protein powder
1 tbs raisins
1/4c non fat milk
2 splenda pkts.
Ill probably have a boca patty and salad for lunch, see how hungry I am after the Y. Since I havent been in a few days, I am shooting for at least an hour and 700 cals burned. I dont think the gym is open at school yet so today it is for the gym, and then at school I will have to run outside, which I dont mind as long as its not raining too hard. At school too I will be walking a lot more so I am not too worried. I am more concerned at bingeing and purging at school. More incentive more me to stay on track. And keep that weight I saw this morning.
I have to say, I had a rough time with sleeping last night, but I didnt get up and eat. I just dealt with it. Ok got to run before my mom shows up. I hate it when other people are in the room when I eat. And I just dont feel like dealing with her this morning...
good luck today with all of you. Stay safe
Thursday, January 1, 2009
so my mom didnt cook dinner! Sweet miracle! And I didnt eat half of my soup on my plate. Normally I eat anything on my plate, but I was full and stopped. Another sweet miracle, so todays calories at 1000 exactly.
on the downside, I think my mom is pissed at me. She took her dinner to her room. I sent her an email about reimbursement for gas money because I forgot to get a receipt, and in that email I informed her, trying to stay honest with her, about the bingeing I did this week.
I cant wait to get out of the house... two more days, Robin, two more days....
So far today I have eaten 600cals, and then who knows what I will have for dinner tonight. I am eating with the family, with my mom cooking. But I have not purged at all today and am feeling great about that. I have been taking Zantrex3 and it really helps with controlling my appetite, which in turn I think is helping me not binge.
I didnt stay up last night for new years. I fell asleep at 8pm and didnt wake until about 10am this morning. Drink my coffee and didnt eat until noon.
I have been busy getting ready for college. Filling out paperwork and packing. Trying to find all my college crap and put it in boxes. I move on Saturday. My dad is coming up with me to help which is excellent. He'll be able to do the heavy lifting and build my shelves! And I think my sister comes on sunday so I will have the place to myself to unwind and unpack in peace with some wine! As the days go on I am feeling more and more confident about returning to school, not so scared and timid about it. It will take some adjusting after being gone for a year and half, but I want my degree so bad. I finished my student teaching application today and that took weight off my shoulders. I will feel better too once I secure a job at school. When I am working and in classes, I'm interacting with people and social, Ill be making friends hopefully and I think my mood will lift tremendously.
Btw, I filled out my profile application for egg donation. Now I just have to wait and see if I get an interview. Keeping the fingers crossed
And I looked up today where I can donate plasma. I can earn some money that way till I secure the job at school... Yes I am really this hurting for money, really hurting.
Ok, well Im off to work more on packing. Later friends