Life is worth contemplating aloud... aye?
just me being me, talking aloud, and at ease knowing that I can relate and be related to by others. Accountability is everything
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
top ramen at the store was 7 for $1.oo. I couldnt resist.
i did really well today. Still had a bp, but it was on the minor and after 9pm. At I put it off, and saved it. I feel really ok with it. I was to control it, and limit it and make smart choice about it.
i woke up with a nasty cold. But I feel like something bad happened to me last night and that I had angels with me. Its really hard to explain the feelinging. Last night a bad cold, flu like thing emerged in me and I kept waking in the middle of the night. Dont have much memory of the night, but I just feel like someone was with me, in my room. kinda of freaked but comforting at the same time.
I havent eaten anything but coffee so far today. I did go to the gym for a half hour but burned only 250cals. I am going to try and go again after my evening class for another half hour.
does anyone have anything that works to help them stay BP free for a single day? Maybe I need to lower my expectations of oneself. Because I think average 3-4 purging episodes a day, and have been doing that for the last 2 months. Everyday. Everyday. How sick is that?
and one would have thought my hungover experience would have curbed my ED behaviors, but no. Maybe I bp really bad tonight, because
A I didnt give a fuck,
B there was money in my account,
C because I had been doing it all day and its like Pringles once you pop you just cant stop
D I feel really really crappy about the weekend
and E new quarter new classes nerves
and F my usual guilty behaviors and old patterns are just hard to override.
Also, does anyone know of birth control pills that will not make me gain weight, or maybe help with losing weight?
so much to write about: but first! food report, and yes I rocked the scale this AM at 110lbs
20- 1/2 yellow onion
30- bamboo shoots
16- 4 mushrooms
80- sugarfree jello
I made soup for later:
90 -2 tbs brown rice
30- chicken broth
75- tomato basil soup mix
15- 1/2 carrot
im trying to stay under 700 cals today, and no purging
I start classes again tomorrow, its a bitter sweet feeling. Break was way too short. I got great grades though!
So I went to a house party on Saturday night. I had a blast, but I didnt really eat much before hand. Actually, I bpd right before walking into the party. I had drinks, but I didnt think I had too much, but I ended up blacking out, collapsing, and unconscious. The guy I am interested in, we have been going out and fooling around over the last 2 months, but it was his party. He was so concerned about me they called an ambulance! Talk about embarrassing! I went over to his house last night to get the play play, and my word, I really like Nick. It is just so sweet, and takes care of me. Hes great. He even knows about my eating issues, not the bping or purging, but just that I can be weird around food and I am working on it. He knows I was in treatment before, but hes so chill and cool with it. He has a flaw, but its him complimenting me all the time, telling me I am perfect the way I am, that Im cute. Too sweet for him. We cuddle, and sleep intertwined. I love it. And hes 29, and just so yummy to look at. I want this to blossom and be more than just fooling around, but he has made it very clear he doesn't want a girlfriend, and I don't necessarily want a boyfriend. I just really enjoy being with him and hanging out. anyways.... that was my weekend. Sunday I was dry heaving and couldn't keep anything down.
And I was trying to eat! But nope.... hence be being dehydrated and probably why weight low today. I ate a lot of sodium today, so if my weight is different tomorrow I am going to be ok with it. I need control the bping... and maybe not be so focused on losing weight. I need to shift my thinking into limiting the binging and purging, stop spending so much money on bping, I need to save my money or I will be in dept really bad and in major conflict with parents, and I need to get back into extreme workout mode. Working out is great for me mentally. I take care of myself this quarter, or summer will be awful!
off to shower, buy textbooks, and work out. Probably a nap later, and more coffee.
i need to think, think really hard about the upcoming weeks, what I want from life and what to do about work. But I hate making decisions. I just timid about those things. And I want to please everyone.
I need to work to pay off my binges
But at work as a caregiver it invites ED behaviors.
It pays ok, and if I go full time and work as house manager I will make more money. ANd make benefits. ANd its really flexible when I want time off.
I think I will take the fundamentals class. I want to be in bellingham over the summer. And if I work weekends through the remainder of the school I will be able to afford bills. And come summer I can make changes to my work hours. So I will do my normal for april and then work fridays and sundays in May, have the first two weeks in June fridays only. Then summer break.
I broke out my old summer dresses and skirts. Tried them all on. And I mean all of them. I love them. I adore dresses. At heart, I am a girlie girl. And I am pleased to report that some are HUGE on me, and others fit just right. I fit into something I thought I would never fit into. I started to miss some of my old skinny skinny clothes I gave away when I got back from treatment... back in the mindset of "il never fit into this again now that Im chubby and so so recovered", but have the fun is buying new clothes, or heck I shop consignment but they are still new clothes to moi. Now all I need are handsome fellows to flirt with, and the warmer weather to sprout!
weighed self on mom scale, 110lbs... lets make it 105 next time I visit on her scale!
the sun was shining all afternoon, and its 53 out. I did a light heartfelt job around my hometown for around 45mins, and I am all smiles. It feels good to wake up and accomplish something. I have a free pedicure coupon, and gosh, I think im in a good enough mood to go out and use it. Pink I think shall be my toes, all polish to wear sandals to my date tomorrow night, and maybe Ill rock a shirt and my sexy legs! lol
I even vacuumed out my car. And said nice things to my sister. See want all the running and sunshine high does to me.
I did a mini binge, and a purge, but the running lifted my spirits.
ate a very heavy lettuce, but light salad to appease my mother, and it actually tasty really good with my 10cal spritzer dressing. I put salmon on it. I LOVE salmon
Ok, if I am getting my nails done, then I need to get in the shower and split. Must make the 90 minute drive back to college town.
i really really really fucked up... ignore my last post, bc shit... i did it at home. Im starting to think it hopeless for me to even try. I seem powerless when i am in those ED moments. I just want to be Ana again
note to self- ask mom for 20.54 for gas today
on the positive note: I have been working really hard on my board and paper that goes with it.
granted I havent been awake much, but so far 0 calories ingested. I slept in quite a bit after staying awake till 2am engaging in unhealthy behaviors. I think I will do just fine today. As stressful as it is to visit my parents at their house in Mukilteo, WA, my "hometown" for the last 11 years (I moved to WA in 6th grade, dads in the Navy), I can make it a safe trip. Safe trip meaning purge free. And binge free. Both amazing feats if I can pull it off. My attitude for this trip is such, to be a good girl and dont do anything stupid that I will regret in my own parents house. They know about it. But I need to utilize this opportunity to make them think everything is a ok, or at least manageable, and that I dont need them to be worrying about me. I cant jeapordize college, so I have to have them think I am doing alright.
I have been wasting time around my house by cleaning. I think I will hit the gym for 30mins, burn 300cals, before hitting the road. I never know how many cals Ill have to eat at home so I must prepare myself.
I do need to get going, I have to finish my board project, at least assembly it. Art projects are entertaining, but so time consuming!
And update on the boy scene, Nick and I are planning for another date this thursday, I call him when I get back into town. And I think he and I are going to spend all monday together on the mountain skiing and boarding! eek! Yay! gosh... he is soooo handsome! Irish with a tint of auburn hair to his gorgeous eyes, and rocking body. he is just so yummy! Owns his own house, throws amazing parties and events, has tons of friends with real jobs, and he works local in town and has a great outlook on life. And hes 29! 6 yrs older then me, the way I like it!... and in the bed department.... heyhana.. this is for you- me= speechless.
please keep your fingers crossed with me that tonight at work I will not engage in bulimia behaviors. All I want is to prove to myself that I can go a work shift, the whole 8 hours, with out bingeing and purging. Work just has so much food begging to be consumed or thrown away. And the mia in me is like.... save the food! Its up for grabs, its going to be wasted anyways. And besides, mia bleats, everyone wants you to eat.
on to be in the days, like 2 years ago, when bping didn't exist in my repertoire.
And I overslept again, well its no reason to explain. I am a lazy ass, and have been enjoying my sleep knowing that sleep is precious and may not come again until summer vacation! I have been a major slacker on working out... like not doing it at all.
I am eating a little better. Advice was passed my way to eat a little more, and actually keep it in, and maybe I will start to lose weight again. I was losing weight perfectly, better then i ever expected, and then kabowie! I have been stuck around 112lbs for like a month.
grrr. Ok. Off to coffee with my professor. Got to play my cards right, and get her a ok, or at least reassure that I will might it through spring quarter just fine.
peace sweethearts. Stay well yourself. Glad to read some upbeat blogs!
I skipped the therapy appt... opps to sleeping in, but I went to coffee with the prof, and gave her one of my scales in exchange for her paying half of the registration for for an educational event coming up. I did sorta agree to not go under 110lbs, but well see...... I'm still planning on losing weight, she just doesn't need to be in the know how.
I weighed in at 112lbs this am
going to work in a bit, and my sister leaves today homebound. I work all weekend, so Ill visit my parents later in the week, tuesday or wednesday
I think I am going to quit work or at least ask for different hours for next spring quarter. It also is just really hard to control my bingeing and purging there. I enjoy it enough, just yea. Or at least ask for day shift during the summer. I am hoping to be house manager during summer, make a little more money per hour.
ok... my stomach is really hurting, fuck laxatives
what can I do with myself? I dont even know why I am agreeing to go the appointment tomorrow. Then I meet with the prof, and dont want to lie to anyone. I need to lose more weight. I need too. I need to stop bingeing and purging yes. im throwing my life anyway I know this. And I need to do tonight is cry it all out, but I cant. I just keep binging and purging. And numbing. God, the fucking numbing.
I have to lie to my prof. I need her off my back. SHE NEEDS to think i am doing alright, that I am ok, or im afaird shell drop me from the program. Not let me go into spring quarter. Thats not what I wanted at all.
I am trying to have a relationshp with this guy and all I think about is calories and how fat I am. ANd what I failure I am. What a lazy fuck that I am.
And I am suppose to go home on tuesday? How can I? How can I face my parents?
I couldnt even complete a descent workout. 100 calories was it. . . . .'
freaking aye, please dont let the scale say anything higher then 112lbs tomorrow.
having to do the research, make the awkward phone calls, ask the questions, do they even take my insurance, and then its time for the dooming lingering first meet and greet.
I promised my teacher, that if I went back into some kind of therapy, I could have an extension on a couple of assignments and a final. Great trade.. but now.. fear is rising.
110.8 lbs this morning, that was at Noon when I woke up. Havent eaten anything yet and its 1pm, I will have my coffee. Water, shower, get to campus. Maybe work out 45mins, then meet with my teacher at 3pm, then maybe yoga with the same teacher, and then hopefully a date with Nick!
gosh it felt great to sleep in
Nice work ladies who completed the spring break challenge
thank goodness the weekend is over and now its Monday I hate losing that hour of sleep, but am grateful for more sunlight! And I am grateful this week is my last week of winter quarter classes. Bring on hectic spring
I hate that I binge and purge all through work. I need to address this. Just,... not now. I have other battles in my life that need my attention
like.. getting through tomorrow. GOAL: intake under 600cals, no purging, go to spin class, ablab Academic goals: ask prof if I can possibly present resource board next quarter, and turn in paper then as well.
breathe robin breath. youll get it done. I know you will. Stay up late again tomorrow, just get through it all.
have I mentioned that my laptop died? yes..... so I have to work from the campus, which can be good and bad. Lets make it a good thing tomorrow. Stick to my plan.....
Im back at that number again.... oh gosh darn it.!
im sick too, fever, cold, stuffy and achy, the works. So I took my shift of from work. I feel so guilty, but I needed to do it. I have finals coming up, and major assignment deadlines, and not to mention I was really starting to break down mentally. I Need this time out from the world. My sister left to go study elsewhere and the house is quiet and to myself. Much needed bliss.
I need to take care of myself today. Thats my plan..my goal.
really I do, the secret to my arms are lifting moderate to heavy weights, I do about 2 sets with 16-20 reps. I say moderate to heavy weights because the amount u lift will vary and depends on the person. YOU WILL NOT BULK UP! You will be rewarded without only better bone density, but lean arms, and lean muscles. Did you know that the more muscle you have, the more calories you burn just existing and your body with more muscle on it functions better and burns fat more efficiently
Ok, I know its hard to add anything more to our already busy lives, but it is worth it. I lift weights in my spin class that I go to at least twice a week. In that class toward the end while on the spin bikes we do weights. Its fabulous. We also through in core. the whole class lasts about 60mins- 65mins. I love it! I dont know what is available to you all, but if you have something like this class. TAKE IT. They play bumping music, and you dont get bored. And usually the instructors are bad ass and tough, so you will burn calories. Someone told me, not sure how accurate, but some one told me you can been an average of 500- 800 calories per spin session.
I am an easy going college gal, with issues around food and dieting, talking and sharing, finding comfort in that others can relate. I tell it like it is, in my own words. I am almost finished with college after time off to deal with my ED, but I am once again back in treatment(#4). I am in college to be a special education teacher. My ideal job is to teach to the pediatrics on the inpatient mental health ward. 5'5 1/2 is the height. Losing weight was my game thru purging and restricting.I'd love to hear from you!