Wednesday, September 16, 2009

i really really really don't want to eat my snack tonight. I am having an alright day and yet cant seem to figure out why I am being so triggered and restricting. I cant identify what is is that I am avoiding, or fearing, or not trusting, but I am sure as hell feeling blubberish and fat in this moment. I get weighed tomorrow at my partial treatment outpatient center. If my weight is down I supposedly will be referred to a residential care center or back to impatient. It all really depends on finances and what my insurance will approve of. And then I need to keep the weight and gain over the weekend or again the same threat. I think deep down somewhere in my heart I know I need a higher level of care, but another part inside of me doesn't want to go. Doesn't want to believe it. That part of me says I can buckle down and do this. But at the same time, the disease is hooraying me for losing weight and hooraying me to cheat my weight tomorrow. But thats not going to get me anywhere. Im scared. I am really scared. And I should go and eat more. I should. The infamous phrase "I should..." But really is eating more tonight going to make me gain a lb? No. So the disease in me says restrict. And once again, I obey the eating disorder. I restricted. But only minimally. Is that an ED excuse or forgiveness phrase. I should have done 100% and shown the team, but I didn't. I cant get that part of the day back. Its over and done with and its almost 10pm at night. I even went for a walk today and yesterday to clear my head, and it felt great. But I am so scared about tomorrow. All of the what ifs are racing through my head. And I need to get rid of my case of the "shit's" and the "should's." Its never a nice feeling to should all over yourself. Especially tonight. What's done is done. I can't turn back the last 15 days. Oh how I wish I could.

How am I going to tell my parents. What are they going to say back to me in response? Why wont my tears start flowing as much as I want them too. I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to reject me.

You know I am kinda pissed too. Other individuals in my program are still purging and they arent being sent away to higher level of care. Thats not fair. Why am I getting all the stern talks and speaking toos. He should be sent back to impatient. He is purging. I am not. That I am sooooo stinking proud of. I have not purged since Aug 24, like 20 days now. HOOOORAY for me, but is that good enough for my current treatment team. No. I have to comply with my meal plan and gain alllll this weight. I drink the ensures and cringe, but I do it. Ok sure I played games with it in the beginning but Im not this week of part of last week. I want more time to prove to them I can do this. To prove to myself I can do this. Its really hard though. That disease voice screams in my ear when I leave program. I always have the intention of eating my full exchanges at dinner, and to be honest, I am really bad at eating a snack. But doesn't my efforts and my trying account for anything? I hope so. I really am doing the best that I can. I haven't lied to anyone or manipulate my weight or anything like that. AGain, hooray for me.

ok, sleeping meds are kicking in. Gnight for now. Take care and wish me the best.

Love, R

1 comment:

  1. Fingers crossed for you!