108.5 in the am, and tonight 110lbs, will check again in the am. This scale is a curse. I am compelled to step upon its holiness each morning this past week. And at the same time I am suppose to be embracing recovery. Can I have both? The scale and recovery. I am sure the answer is know but my eating disorder voice screams " you cant give up the scale, how will you know your worth, you, you need it, you depend on it, you love the scale" WRONG. I love the feeling the scale gives me when the number the dial reads is low or lower or no higher than 110. Then I love the beast. Anything else, I detest the beast. Its a love hate relationship. Btw, ED told me not to eat anything more tonight, but I am challenging that voice in me, that nasty nagging voice. As I type I am drinking a supplement shake combo thingy I made, only 180cals but its something. Its something. I have to go back to treatment tomorrow. I am kind of dreading it. I am sure I will get weighed, and I am afraid that I have lost too much weight. I am thinking about cheating my weight, but I am better then that. Do you know I still haven't purged? Yup, true story. Since august 24th of this year. Thats like 30 days? or less, but something like that. I am stoked. I made it the entire weekend, through the wedding rehearsal dinner, and the wedding reception. I opt out of cake, but am ok with that. Today I enjoyed a tiny small bite of dark chocolate fudge. It was very satisfying, but tempting to binge and purge on. But I wont.

ok, im spacing as I zone into the television land of dreaming and fantasy. Its good to be back in la jolla, ca. Back to some "normalcy" alirghty, im heading to bed. night.