ok, im spacing as I zone into the television land of dreaming and fantasy. Its good to be back in la jolla, ca. Back to some "normalcy" alirghty, im heading to bed. night.
Monday, September 21, 2009
108.5 in the am, and tonight 110lbs, will check again in the am. This scale is a curse. I am compelled to step upon its holiness each morning this past week. And at the same time I am suppose to be embracing recovery. Can I have both? The scale and recovery. I am sure the answer is know but my eating disorder voice screams " you cant give up the scale, how will you know your worth, you, you need it, you depend on it, you love the scale" WRONG. I love the feeling the scale gives me when the number the dial reads is low or lower or no higher than 110. Then I love the beast. Anything else, I detest the beast. Its a love hate relationship. Btw, ED told me not to eat anything more tonight, but I am challenging that voice in me, that nasty nagging voice. As I type I am drinking a supplement shake combo thingy I made, only 180cals but its something. Its something. I have to go back to treatment tomorrow. I am kind of dreading it. I am sure I will get weighed, and I am afraid that I have lost too much weight. I am thinking about cheating my weight, but I am better then that. Do you know I still haven't purged? Yup, true story. Since august 24th of this year. Thats like 30 days? or less, but something like that. I am stoked. I made it the entire weekend, through the wedding rehearsal dinner, and the wedding reception. I opt out of cake, but am ok with that. Today I enjoyed a tiny small bite of dark chocolate fudge. It was very satisfying, but tempting to binge and purge on. But I wont.