Friday, July 3, 2009

I hate seeing 110 this morning

I have been thinking, and just wanted to share somethings:

I know this is common with eating disorders, but I never really understood it in regards till myself till this morning. I am very superstitious when it comes to my scale. Like, moving it, how I step on it, when I step on it. Which scale first. I have a ritual with my scales. And my fear is, if I break any of them... my number goes up. Pathetic  maybe, but honestly. I choke and panic, and serious anxiety. And this morning it was up 1lbs... and I am so mad I broke a ritual or rule. After I step on the scale, however, and I see want I want to see, or if its better i.e lower, anxiety goes away. I have an amazing day usually. I honestly don't care what the number on the scale says, but I thrive on the consistence of my scale. Or at least temporarily. I can usually breathe a sigh of relief if every morning and evening it blinks the same number. My inner dialogue.. "see you are ok."

My sister is home from now til tuesday. She will be spending most her time with Tess, and her boyfriend. It's ok that she is her. Expect for, I have to remember to be pleasant and share my space. I kind of like knowing she is around for I cant be so obvious about my bulimia behaviors, i.e leave evidence. I have to more conscience about my choices. I fear he walking in on me. Or having something out that she might see. 

This is why I am writing. I am avoiding a purge, trying my best to vent/think things through/just talk it out instead of doing a "fuck you" or a "I hate myself so much" action. Because she walked into the apartment, my heart immediately starts racing, and I shake, and I'm a nervous wreck. I was in bed still when herself and her friend walked in. I hate being caught still in bed. Maybe I think that she will judge me? Am I lazy, should have been better, or something? It was noon. I just thought it was odd that I started fidgeting with my heads, going miles a hour pacing, and messing with stuff, organizing, and cleaning my room, right when she came in. Also, I had this really strong urge to throw up. It wasn't necessarily a binge craving. I think sometime my purge is an anxiety reaction. I just make it occur on command. I really felt sick to my stomach. It doesn't help either that both my sister and her friend are gorgeous, really thin, and tall. ED is extremely jealous, and really talking negatively about me comparing to them. And the last thing I want to do is eat. Here they are getting ready to go swimming at the lake with their friends and boyfriends, comparing their outfits and bikini's, getting all primped and dolled up. And I am really pissed that I have to go to work. Here they are getting ready, bound for an amazing time, and its not fair that I am sitting in my room struggling over am I going to eat or not eat, run or chill out before going to work. It's not fair. I understand that my not fair stuff right now is me saying it is not fair I have an eating disorder and they don't. I'm angry that I have to sit here and type, and fight the food and weight struggles, and they don't. They have it so easy in my mind.

Ok, they have finally left. I can breathe again. Update on my goals- I have been doing ok in the front half of my time frame to not purge. I think we agreed 3pm, but I have made it to 9:30pm one day and 7pm on another. I feel really good about this. My evenings are a really big struggle, but smalls steps. I am getting warmer...

Have a good rest of your day! Enjoy your 4th weekend!

1 comment:

  1. Blogging helps everything doesn't it? Thanks, its so amazing to read someone else is thinking the same things.