Sunday, October 4, 2009

I get weighed in tomorrow. I already am nauseated just thinking about it. And I was a bad patient today. I hid food at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at my hs snack. I am going to confess in a bit and am not sure what the consequences will be but my guilt is killing me. Well.. my healthy voice is the one confessing, my disease voice is telling me to not tell, because then I will have to stop. But isnt that what I want to do? To get better? But I don't want to gain weight. Honestly, my ed voice wants the scale to say I lost weight tomorrow. How do I make this ed voice go away for good. My ed voice is seeing the skinny bony girl with the peg tube in her stomach as an idle. I keeping wanting to use the word "I" but I am practicing separating my eating disorder from the real me, the healthy me that one day wants children and my own home and a dog and a career. My disease voice has been haunting me in the night when I pace in the hospital, when I hid my food today. The taste of that disease is still lingers and is still yummy. I still crave it. It tells me that when I get out of here I can be that skinny 94lb woman. I still dont understand why. Why it tells me this. What is it that I am afraid of. I am scared to grow up and face the real challenges in life. I am terrified. I think I am hiding in my disease because of this. I think thats why I still want to stay sick. Part of me wants to discharge so that I can be a better anorexic and get that skinny bony look. But what does that prove if I do reach that weight, that outward appearance? I dont have the answer yet. Why am I scared to be healthy? Is it that I am afraid my dreams wont happen? Is it that I might fail, or be miserable? Id rather hurt others before they hurt me. And Id rather blame a sickness then my my true healthy self and have nothing to blame for all the pain and misfortunes, and the disappointments. I think I am holding on to this eating disorder simply out of fear. Though my therapist here at UCLA is focusing so much on my trauma past, I really dont believe thats why I have an eating disorder. Sure it has some impact, but other factors play roles too. Like my extreme desire to be liked and approved of. And how I crave attention. And what about my shoplifting addiction. That needs to be addressed.

thats all for now. Hope all is well with you, may some peace and serenity find you tonight. Sleep well everyone

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