I am in a much better space today. Feeling more like myself. Sucks being on a sucice watch list, but they didnt put me on a hold. Still voluntary status at the treatment center in CA. Last night I had a mjor cry session and fully opened my hurt and some old wounds to the thearpists and the other patients that were in the after meal nightly wrap up. Didnt know I had it in me. I resigned and obliged to a contract to stay in the eating disorders program. If I come home now, I will get lower weight and probably get way to sever to fast. I cant beleive my insurance has been paying so far, keeping my fingers crossed for more days.... I am still very jeaouls of two of the ladies here. They both weigh under 90lbs. The lowest I ever got was 100lbs. How badly I want my life to turn around for the better yet, I still crave that low low bony weight. Why do I want to be hopsitalzied? Why do I want to be so sick I need a feeding tube? Why do I want to be kept on a hold becuase I am gravely disabled? Is it for attention? Some need of mine to prove something? Or is is that I really want to die, but dying from eating disorder is more favorable or more painful or better, like more... admirable. At least thats why the ED voice is telling me.
I did much better eating today, and controling my paceing. I am on the patch now, so no more smoking. I have to an upswing, ore more improvement over the weekend. I need to prove to the treatment team that I trust them and that I mean business. Its just fucking hard. I hate food. I think Im really fat right not. And it didnt help me seeing my weight. My meds are going to change tomorrow. I am sure this will help, but I hate being in a place in my head where I cant make good desisons and I want everything and nothing at the same time. I want to get rid of the eating disorder but not scarfice my body... recovery is going to be a long tough journey, but a much needed nesscary one at that.
Tonight I will try and love myself.
Just keeping thinking of my life goals, and what I really really want. And thats to stop hurting so much on the inside, and stop hurting my family. Stop all my negative beside. I want to be happy and to love myself. I want to simply be ok with myself and enjoy me. I wnat my family to enjoy me, and want to be around me. I want to date Mike, and have a relationship. To trust again. To love again. And to love me. And comparing to others isnt helping... I am to go to my sleeping unit.
With care, Robs