Thursday, August 6, 2009

I am in a much better space today. Feeling more like myself. Sucks being on a sucice watch list, but they didnt put me on a hold. Still voluntary status at the treatment center in CA. Last night I had a mjor cry session and fully opened my hurt and some old wounds to the thearpists and the other patients that were in the after meal nightly wrap up. Didnt know I had it in me. I resigned and obliged to a contract to stay in the eating disorders program. If I come home now, I will get lower weight and probably get way to sever to fast. I cant beleive my insurance has been paying so far, keeping my fingers crossed for more days.... I am still very jeaouls of two of the ladies here. They both weigh under 90lbs. The lowest I ever got was 100lbs. How badly I want my life to turn around for the better yet, I still crave that low low bony weight. Why do I want to be hopsitalzied? Why do I want to be so sick I need a feeding tube? Why do I want to be kept on a hold becuase I am gravely disabled? Is it for attention? Some need of mine to prove something? Or is is that I really want to die, but dying from eating disorder is more favorable or more painful or better, like more... admirable. At least thats why the ED voice is telling me.

I did much better eating today, and controling my paceing. I am on the patch now, so no more smoking. I have to an upswing, ore more improvement over the weekend. I need to prove to the treatment team that I trust them and that I mean business. Its just fucking hard. I hate food. I think Im really fat right not. And it didnt help me seeing my weight. My meds are going to change tomorrow. I am sure this will help, but I hate being in a place in my head where I cant make good desisons and I want everything and nothing at the same time. I want to get rid of the eating disorder but not scarfice my body... recovery is going to be a long tough journey, but a much needed nesscary one at that.

Tonight I will try and love myself.
Just keeping thinking of my life goals, and what I really really want. And thats to stop hurting so much on the inside, and stop hurting my family. Stop all my negative beside. I want to be happy and to love myself. I want to simply be ok with myself and enjoy me. I wnat my family to enjoy me, and want to be around me. I want to date Mike, and have a relationship. To trust again. To love again. And to love me. And comparing to others isnt helping... I am to go to my sleeping unit.

With care, Robs


  1. sounds like you are doing really well & making progress, that's wonderful!!

    keeping your goals in mind will definitely help you work through this and maintain a better balance.

    just wanted to make sure you knew you were in my thoughts

  2. Your blog is so inspiring...Keep posting and the best to you!

  3. you are so brave for going into treatment in the first place. but to be there, and actually wanting to recover, thats a step some of us might not ever be able to take. Whatever happens, we'll all be here rooting for you.

  4. So glad you are doing better :)

    (((HUGS~n~LUV))) over to you!

  5. I'm glad you're doing better even though it's hard. Keep working towards progress, you're so amazing.

    All my affection! Keeping you in my thoughts :)