all of these photos I am between 100lbs and 106lbs. I miss this weight, and by goly I am going back. No more of this fattness.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
taken on 12/11/08. So 18 days ago. I weighed 124 in the bathing suit photos
here I weigh roughly 117lbs
taken on 12/11/08. So 18 days ago. I weighed 124 in the bathing suit photos
here I weigh roughly 117lbs
Ive lost about 8 lbs and maybe an inch of my waist and hips and my butt, each. But I cant really see a difference. I still see a big butt, chubby arms, and a fat stomach
1/2c nonfat steamed milk
Vitamins = 40cals
Luna bar Lemon Zest= 180cals
Asian pear= 110cals
2oz ham= 100cals
Blueberry Homemade Protein Shake: 350cals
3 tbs soy protein powder (130)
1/2c white vinegar (0)
1/4c lemon juice (0)
1/2c nonfat milk (40)
1c frozen unsweetened blueberries (80)
1 small banana (100)
chicken stir fry: 350cals?????
1/2c cooked white rice
3oz chicken with sauce
1c cooked mixed veggies
3Tbs of uncooked white popcorn, in the airpopper- 140cals
Total: 1300 calories ish
Burned at ymca: 500, so net cals = 450
so 900 consumed
NO PURGE THE WHOLE DAY!!!!!
that cant be right, I mean really? If it is than hallelujah. But 117lbs? That would mean that over the last 22 days I have lost 8lbs total. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow, but I am extremely motivated today to be the best dieter ever!
So far, well I have only been awake an hour. ( I am a morning person but when I want to sleep I can sleep the day away, woke up at 11:30am!)
Intake so far, and my plan for today: I will be making sushi! Yum!
1/2c steamed nonfat milk, mostly foam 40
Protein shake: 50 80 130 40 0= 300cals
3 tbs soy protein powder
1/2c nonfat milk
1/4c lemon juice
then dinner with the family: calories and plan unknown for right now
Ill go to the gym, my local Y, later after I run some errands and burn 500 calories as a goal, and do abs and leg lifts later tonight in my bedroom before going to bed.
And no purging!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
the drive to my apartment at college turned out to be way more triggering and stress inducing then I expected.
I think I over did it today and thats why I had a major bingeing and purging session. But I did not do it in the apartment, or in my parents house. Those places are off limits from now on. So the binge was expensive, but I need to wean myself. Its for starts. Next is making the car off limits. I will now, not eat in my car on a binge.
Binge/Purge free zones: Bellingham, my parents house, and inside any car I drive. This will be hard, extremely hard... but I need to get my shit together. For real. If I dont, returning to college is going to be a waste of my time.
Im going to have to go to the Y tomorrow, and work off at least 1000 calories and restrict major tomorrow to make up for the damage on the diet I did today. I dont think I was able to purge it all up. PLease please please let the scale be descent tomorrow morning. Today at am I was 119.1 and just now I weighed 118.6. But I am probably dehydrated from all the purging I did and I didnt drink my normal 64oz of water, well I did but it all was in effort to purge.
Fuck purging. Dont ever start it. Dont. PLease dont. IF you ever had, then maybe you can relate with me on how hard it is to stop it. I hate that ive turned bulimic. once its started is so fucking hard to stop. Just dont even go there. The only times I have managed to go more than a week with out purging was when I was inpatient. And I cant go back to inpatient. I just cant. Or it better be because I am fucking too skinny to be anywhere else. Not b/c I cant control the bingeing and the purging.
But at the same time, inpatient seems comforting. College or staying at my parents scary and terrifying. I am so scared to go back to school. Maybe b/c I am afraid of growing up, or failing. I just want to get my degree. Get it and be done with college. Have something to me name. I just need to complete my degree. And then Ill feel better.
And I just want to be skinny. Back to when the scale says 106 lbs. I know I will lose weight at scale. I am hoping that in the 1st week of classes I can lose 3 lbs in that week alone. From all the walking and stairs, more activity you know. I just want to so badly wake up tomorrow and have the scale say it, say that I have lost the weight. I am not stopping till I get to under a 100lbs. I promise you that. And no one is going to make me fat again.
I will not bp tomorrow. If I do I am just going to stay fat and keep getting fatter. And I know its hard the first couple days. I just have to stick to it. 3pm is when it gets the hardest. Just do it Robin. Just do it. Dont purge and just fix your fucking life already
I use to work for starbucks. Love coffee, love love love it! Here is some calorie info for those whom it interests.
sugarfree flavoring- 0 cals
Americano- tall 5 cals, grande/venti 15 cals
Cappuccino- tall with nonfat is 80 cals, grande 130.
Latte- tall with nonfat is 120 cals
Drip- basically calorie free
1/4c nonfat milk is 20-25 cals, 1 tbs of nonfat is roughly 15 calories
Splenda- zero cals and no Aspartame, so no cancer!
I typically get either a drip in a venti or grande americano with nonfat foam on top and sugarfree cinnamon dolce added to it. Yum! And under 50 calories! Caffeine is also an appetite suppressant
And heres my bit on milk. Get it, yes it is calories but at most 1 cup of nonfat, or 8oz of nonfat is 90 calories but think of all the calcium you're body is getting, and there is protein in milk. So get it, nonfat, reek the benefits of milk with out the extra fat. And you will be more satisfied and less likely to binge later or fall in to temptations.
Friday, December 26, 2008
The mall this afternoon was insane trying to get even near it. I ran out to target, spent money I dont have. Oh well
YMCA today: 10mins trainer, 10 on treadmill X 2, 50 cals on the erg, and an arms weight set on the weight machines. total calories burned over 500
Today I ate roughly 1300 calories, typical for me on most days.
Tomorrow I am going to go to my apartment at school and figure out stuff up there. I cant even remember where most of my stuff is, if at school place or moms place, in garage or attic or somewhere in my black hole of a room.
And the more stressed I get, my more I want and crave to binge.
Wow that guy on jeopardy is really smart. And hopefully I get to go snowboarding this sunday with the family. Fun in the snow burning calories.
Tata for now
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
but can I do it without purging to the new year? I might have to sacrifice the dieting to get the purging in control. When I am so focus on no calories in, its way to easy to convince myself to purge up everything.
And what the heck its christmas eve! Santa: all i want for christmas is to be loved by my family, and to not purge for the next two days. I can do two days... focus on that, then go from there.
Btw.. scale today 118.5, thats puts me with a BMI of 19 and body fat % around 18% I think. My scale tells me my body fat but I always add two percentages for the set height is at 5'7 and I'm 5'6. And I cant figure the darn thing out to switch to my height.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I cant find my breakfast spoon. I always eat with this spoon. ALWAYS! My stuff keeps disappearing on me, and I am thinking my parents have something to do with it. My OCD can play a lot into my habits, DUH, thats why its OCD, and my parents like to " mix things up on me". grrr
Things that I hate:
- other people watching me eat, or in the same room as me when I eat
- comments on how fast someone else may have eaten there food fore it only makes me eat slower because basically you just announced you thought the person that ate fast was a pig
- salad dressing already on the salad
- cold food, i like my food piping hot. I am constantly reheating my food and coffee.
- cold coffee... gross
- red meat
- I hate catching myself taking too big of bites of food, or eating too fast, or not waiting enough time in between bites
- how my parents will shop for food for my younger sister to eat, food that she likes, but refuse to do the same for me, because that would be enabling my eating disorder! Sorry parents that I would like to eat whole foods, produce, and not junk, fast food, or processed food with a lot of sodium. I can still be nutritious and conscious of eating choices and not be anorexic. And its so ok for me to prefer different foods than the family. Big whoop parents. big whoop.
- I'll just put it out there: My younger sister. The only thing I can be or do to top here, is to be skinnier than here.
- When I purge, I get heartburn for days, and bloody noses, and swollen throat
- I hate that started to eat again for now its like I cant stop.
- I hate that I love food so much, so much that I binge and purge often, like often often. Put it this way, its hard for me to go a day without purging, and more than two without bingeing and purging.
- I hate that I am not a better anorexic, and that I am considered bulimic.
- Oh and I hate people that don't change the fucking toilet paper roll when they use the last of it!!!!
more to be cont...
Monday, December 22, 2008
except for the annoying hum of my bratty younger sister by my side. Morning is typical.
Coffee in one hand, oatmeal in blue bowl with smallest spoon in the house in the other.
So what do I eat for breakfast? A lot actually. Most of my calories for the day come from this meal.
1/2c oatmeal dry
1/4c nonfat milk
Sm. Green apple diced and cooked in the oatmeal
2 Tbs soy protein powder
3 splenda pkts.
Total calories= a little over 400.
Goal for today: stay as busy as possible and NO PURGINg!
And have some fun too. No more crying business. Depression sucks
Sunday, December 21, 2008
shweesh... ok, weight is ok. Bm's are wonderful, and working out yesterday, and my snow walk helped tons. I might just have to go walk again just to get out of the house. Humm.... how many miles is it to starbucks?
what am I going to do about my school living agrrangements? I hate my roommate, and it happens to be my sister. I want out of it. Badly.
at least my street was plowed.
back to sewing, or cleaning, or crying and moping.
Have I mentioned how no one in my house is speaking to me? Not a good morning, hey how are you? Nothing. Nadda. And they are telling me that I am suppose to the acting like an adult. Well fuck them. My parents should act like adults.
all i do is cry, and keep quiet, cuz everytime i open my mouth it gets worse. and worse and worse
Saturday, December 20, 2008
its a blizzard outside.
really... it is
I still managed to get to the gym and burn 750cals
Ate too much for my liking, but what I ate staying today. Thats right. Day One of no purging. Yea
Its really hard to lose weight in the winter. New goal- 115lbs by Jan. 20th., haha or lower. My Mom freaked on me today, so I need to cool it for awhile. Play by there rules for the remainder of my time at their house. So No purging....
Thursday, December 18, 2008
is god on my side, or what?
Another inch on snow, and about 3 more predicted to come my way.
And I really really really wanted to go to the dietitian and therapist... said with sarcasm.
yea for snow in that way, but my god another day with out going to the gym! I am going to freak out!
119.4lbs today, and I havent have a BM in a few days so may I weight lower?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
well, something is working in the weight loss department. Not sure how. I feel like I eat all the time, binging and purging. I do work out, but I feel like it never is enough. I still need to lose another 10 to be ok with my weight. I have been dieting for 13days and have lost 5.5lbs so far. When it comes to that I feel better.
I need to get out of my appointments tomorrow. the dietitian and the thearpist, i need out. Its my last week and I dont want to be yelled out tomorrow by them. And I am not in the mood to lie about it.
and to add to it.. oh christmas woes. holidays stress me out
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I just got the call
Cameron and I are going to hang out, with dinner though. i havent decieded if I like him or not. I love the attention I am getting. And he fits the profile of a potential match.. but I dunno. It will be nice to be out of the house and in Bellingham with some people doing something social.
Calories today will be around 1100-1300. Worked out 400cals. Weighed in today at 119.6
oh geezz... what to wear???
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
water and mirolax
If I eat anything, it better be at dinner and worth it. Meaning... in front of my parents so that can check of in their heads that I are something
pray that I will be able to get to the gym. stupid snow.
I am feeling.... humm what am I feeling. Hopeless? WHy bother? What is the point feeling? Am I lonely. Well yes. Am I feeling pathetic. Yes. I am feeling like crap. Crappo crappy crap.
I hate what I resort to. I am referring to the purging. Cant it be Jan 3rd already. Time needs to move faster. I want out of my house so I can do my thing. Be left alone.
For your information:
Last October in 2007 I withdrew from school on medical leave due to the severity of my eating disorder and I have not returned to school since. However, come this Jan 3rd I return! Back to an apartment and 1.5 hr away from my parents. Back to my independence. My freedom. I will however be living with my younger sister (only 13 months younger). Not sure how that will play out, but I will remain optimistic.
After leaving school I started an intensive outpatient program. Wasnt really working so in March I went inpatient, was there for 85 Days and returned home. Quickly lost weight once again, back down to 104 lbs, and pressure was on me to return to another impatient facility. I was bingeing and purging again, and it was pretty bad. I ended up self overdosing, coma for 3 days, and in ICU for another. Then shipped back to inpatient, this time in Iowa. I had my 22nd birthday in ICU. I returned home to WA Nov 1st and here I am now nearing the end of december.
When I left inpatient in Iowa I weighed 130lbs. Today I weigh 122lbs. And before I go back to school I wish to weigh 119lbs. I have my work cut out for me.
Have I mentioned how broke I am? Broke broke broke! Bingeing in the past, spending all that money is still haunting me. And then hotel bill while I did partial in Iowa drained my bank account. My parents, bless their hearts, are assisting me. But I still only have 100$ to my name. And no job.
life fucking sucks!!!!!
what will tomorrow bring me.....
1/2c red salsa from jar
1 oz cheddar cheese
1/4c nonfat milk
Tbs reduced fat cream cheese
1/4 loaf of whole wheat baguette
32 oz of water plus vitamins
1/4 lb lean beef
1/2c tomato sauce
2c Caesar salad
slice of garlic bread
3 servings of sugar free jello
2 assorted chocolates
I ate other stuff too but I purged, and I tried my best to get all of my italian dinner out, but I dont know how successful I was. And no work out. SO today.... bad bad bad bad day
A snapshot from yesterday's holiday party at my older brothers house. I had an ok time. Really annoyed at self that I took advantage of the situation and purged after eating some fudge, punch, and cookies. Because of the binge and purge, I couldn't even face the scale today. I wish I was a better anorexic and never ever started purging. Its just so easy to use as a cope out to temptations.
besides my fucking up yesterday....
I awoke at noon today. Let it snow let it snow let it snow!
3inches on my driveway. And my part of town never sees snow! Never. I live right on the water so up the hill, sure they might get flurries, but snow, actually snow! crazy. And tomorrow it is suppose to be 20* out. Brr
As much as I love the white stuff...Dilemmas prevail.
Cant really excerise (cant drive anywhere)
Stuck inside with the family allllllllll day long. And some of them are grumpy.
And, they are really no safe foods to eat in the house. And I already ate over 500 calories, and I can only eat 500 more for the day. I think I am going to go walk in the snow for two hours. That will burn some calories. Maybe walk to starbucks for an Americano. Humm..
Ok,... no purging today. none. zip zero. You can do it!
purged twice, and purposefully ate at my brothers knowing that I can just purge it... fuck
try again tomorrow
I will stay purge free.
I, Robin, will resist the temptations to purge , sunday the 14th, the whole day in its entirety. And when I do so for three days, I shall reward myself a new song off of Itunes. I can do this.
I want to go to therapy group on wed, and thursday, and be able to honestly say that I was purge free for a period of time. I can not keep purging. It can not be my easy cop out. What can I do to stop it! To convince myself to stop it.
I will always lose another lb by friday.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Besides being woken by hammering on the roof, I am ok. I weighed 120.5 on moms scale and 121.0 on my own. I took Mirolax yesterday, I think that cleared me out quite a bit... but my projected weight for Jan 3rd according to NutriMirror is 118lbs.
I DIDNT PURGE AT ALL yesterday, and my word it felt fabulous. Granted I restricted but hello! kudos for me. I have a holiday party to attend this evening, making me a little nervous but I think I can handle it by not purging so don't eat. And I will offer to be the driver so then I wont consume alcohol calories.
Shower and flatten my hair
Pedicure with Kat
Workout 500 calories
Lots of water today and coffee
and No Purging!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
So I came to thinking. If I want to be successfully, I need a plan of attack for tomorrow. And then I can check in and see how i did.
4am: wake up, weigh self, get dressed, and drive to practice
1/2c yogurt lowfat and 3 prunes
5am-8:30am: Rowing practice
9am-10:15am YMCA for a workout. Burn 700calories
water water water!
4oz skim milk, 1c frozen berries, 3tbs protein powder, 1/2c yogurt lowfat
11am-2:45pm: shower, actually do my hair down, nap for a bit, lots of stretching, laundry
2:45pm: drive to Moore Center for weight check and meeting
20oz coffee or Americana
4pm-6pm: In group at Moore Center
6:45pm: Arrive home for a light dinner and blog check in
leftover chicken-1 breast with marinade soysauce and red curry paste baked
salad with fat free dressing
Water with Mirolax
Calories Burned- 700
Calories Intake- Between 900-1000
Hello to all who read, and please keep reading!
I am blogging about my weight loss journey to 94lbs. Oh goodness to be there, I can not wait. I do struggle with an eating disorder, just so you know that I know. I do know, but am not fully convinced about recovery in the terms others have set up for me. I have been in the hospital inpatient program twice. I currently live at home with my parents, but that soon changes because I am attending college again to finish my degree next quarter. The quarter begins on Jan 5th and I am ecstatic. More so just to be out of the folks house. They watch me like hawks and I cant take it anymore. I am getting my freedom back. And let the dieting begin....
A friend advised me to hold off on losing weight till I get to school. I can agree to an extent but I can not go back to school at the weight that I am at. The bingeing and purging I do need to get a hold of and cease. That behavior needs to be extinguished and fast. So a lot of the blogging I do will be on that process.
So heres my weight loss time line and plan.
Current weight 123lbs
Goal weight: 94lbs by june 2009 or sooner!
Lose 7lbs a month and I could be at that weight by April
January 3rd: goal- 119lbs
February: goal- 111lbs
March: goal- 100lbs
April: goal- under 100lbs
I have been logging food and excerise on NutriMirror for the last 5 days and it has helped a lot. I am going to try and stick with that through december. I am hoping that by seeing what I am eating and burning, I wont have to purge or binge. And I can grasp what nutrients I am lacking or if I need more fat or protein in my diet.
I have to say though, being in the parents house is not compatible with dieting so I will have to do the best I can.
Its been a long day.
Up since 4:10am, out the house at 4:30am. On the water at 5:15. I love the life of a coxswain. Especially in Seattle. Beautiful lake. Coxing grants me peace of mind, confidence, and laughter on good days. Most days are good. I go to practices and walk away, happy, feeling content with myself as a whole, not just with how practice rowed out. But today... I left in a funk. No one likes to make mistakes, but its the ones who own the mistakes and learns, that is the person that walks away better. I know everyone makes them... but why me. Why cant I be perfect? Why cant I escape embarrassment, and poor judgement?
Coxing and why I love it will be another entry. Today I want to talk about the eating, the not eating, the bingeing, the purging, the fixation on losing weight.
Just as above, I have good days and bads on the water, same applies to the eating disorder in my head. I did have a "awha" moment in the shower after bingeing on a couple donuts and fruit chews from fredmeyer with a coffee in tow. I am scared. I am scared of not having the eating disorder to blame for all the bad, wrong, hurtful, painful things in my life... in the past and for the future. I am down right scared. For instance... I was doing well...
Well, yes, well. Ok weight, hadnt BPd in months. It was not until the saturday before thanksgiving did I have a purge since I enter the Iowa Hospital in Iowa City. I left on oct 31st, halloween. And since that discharge date, I have eaten regularly and not purged. Almost made it a month. Sometimes I wish I had stayed longer in the partial program at Iowa, preventing form purging. But I look back and say to myself they would have fatten you up more. I left Iowa at 130lbs. Currently I weigh 122lbs. If I had stayed there, I might have gone over 130lbs or at least stayed there. To my eating disorder, staying in Iowa was dangerous and I needed to get out. So I did. First chance I got. All with the intent on never purging, but sure as hell had the intent of losing weight.
So why purging? why again, after doing so well in the hosptial and out of the hospital? Because I am flipping scared out of my blonde 5'6 and 1/2inches mind. The what if's haunt me. Constantly. Pestering me. What if I am lonely at school? No one finds me attractive or wants to date me? I might get hurt. With the eating disorder I am protected. It befriends me, I use it to not feel lonely and find myself inchangable to fix the problem. I think thats how the eating disorder began. The dieting at least.
I was conscience of my weight in high school. Starting skipping meals and deemed certain foods healthy and unhealthy. My judgments on myself were huge! Having sex at 16 didn't help the cause, nor did my judgments of my body, or my fear and jealousy of my lack of friendships it appeared everyone else had. I was really lonely. I would do anything to have friends. But I never got friends, only boyfriends who wanted to fuck and I would tell lies to the girls (this was in middle school really just that my lieing in middle school stuck with me and was constantly brought up in high school much to my distaste.)
Ive lost my train of thought.....