Sunday, October 11, 2009

another weigh in day, much anticapatory anxeity

another weigh in day, much anticipatory anxiety

I am consciencely aware in every moment that I am going to be weighed tomorrow morning. Its driving me nuts, its a just a weight i try to tell myself. But i still don't believe it. Half of my self, my wise self wants the number to go up, a lot but a little like a 1lb to a few ounces. That wouldn't be so heart wrenching, unlike the other side of me, my sick disorder half, wants to have my weight maintain or better yet lose weight. I have made a pro and con list in my head about the situation but here are some of my thoughts.

The side of me that wants and or understands the consequences will be if the scale number to be same or higher
  • I am here to get better that means I need to gain back or restore an appropriate moment of weight
  • I would be closer to my weight range
  • Most likely to calorie increase
  • If I am 109 and above I have recreational therapy privileges.
  • More weight me closer to partial, then closer to home
  • I don't want to spend the Holiday's in a hospital
  • I am my period back so that I can have babies
  • I am afraid of weighing more
  • I criticize certain parts of my body even more after weigh days
  • Its hard me to face the mirror
The side of me that wants and or understands what the consequences will be if the scale number to be lower
  • less weight or maintenance means no "rt" privileges
  • in inpatient longer
  • calories will increase
  • temporarily I will feel good about my body and life, but only temporary.
  • If my weight goes down, it will be harder for me to eat because the ED thoughts will be super driven saying "stay thin Robin, you cant eat that"
  • I would have more ED distortions and voices overall. They seem to come out even stronger around a weight success. The voices declare new and harsh rules I have to ply buy in order to stay and keep losing weight.
  • Also, I tend too beat up and criticism by body more so
  • my high is only temporarily
  • I temporarily love the mirror and then "snap" its not my ally any more

Thats all I can think of for now. But I will wake tomorrow morning, and before I even approach the scale I am going to idetnify and determine how I am feeling. Also I going to stop stressing this weigh in and ruin the rest of my day. Its only 5pm. I have the hole night ahead of me.

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