120.5lbs this am

But I went snow shoeing with my dad this afternoon and it was a glorious day. I miss my CA weather... I did a small purge on friday afternoon (ate a bunch of halloween candy and felt the need to get rid of it). Other than that incident, I am having a blast at home living with my parents, and the holidays went smooth sailing. I am getting geared up for student teaching that starts in about a week and a half, after the new year on the 6th. I'm nervous about student teaching but excited to0. I'm eating alright, just want to get back into shape and feel good about my body. I am a bridesmaid in my older sisters wedding on the 20th of March 2010. I am trying to look trim, not sickly skinny like before, just firm and toned and flexible and have some muscles and weigh around 110-112lbs.

if it wasn't for my journaling and my blogging, I wouldn't know what to do. It's whats keeping me sane these days. I don't have therapy set up yet and I don't ever get a chance to process. So to bed I go.

happy christmas!

still no binge or purge, most importantly no purge. My last was on sunday December 20th. I regret though eating as much as I have been. Good thing I am not weighing myself other wise I think I would turn a trick and purge. Hooray for me

119.5, and dad made me pancakes and turkey sausage this am. My folks are constantly hounding on me to eat. "You should have a snack. Isn't it time for you to eat something. You need more proteins. IS that all you are going to eat.?" And believe me, I am not restricting by any means, I am sticking to a meal plan and doing my best. My last purge was on sunday. I am calorie conscience, but its not obsessive. ok, just needed to vent

122lbs on moms scale, ate a ton today, but I am finally back at my parents, home for good! I havent been here since late september. shit, I hate weighing this much. 10lbs to lose to be myself. 112 is ok, right?

Im not doing so hot. And I feel like it is tattooed to my forehead, and everyone sees it, and is whispering behind my back, and talking under their breathe. As if they are looking down on me, scolding me almost. I've had some lapses if not a full blown relapse. Purging again. A binge or two, the binges have been kept to 2-3 in a week and 1/2, but I have resorted to purging. I guess on the good note, I have times in the same time frame where I was able to talk myself out of a binge and or out of a purge. Think Think Think is an AA slogan, but heck it words for those who suffer like me with an eating disorder. For instance, after purging twice and standing at the toliet bowl to purge once again (just consumed ice cream cake and like 20 sour patch kids candy (not the whole bag!) and it dawned on me. I dont have to purge. I dont have to keep this cycle. I dont want this. And I walked away. Grant it I am tossing and turning, find trouble with sleeping tonight, but its worth it. Ill get threw it.

hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. I did well considering everything and had an absolute blast. Here is a pic from the weekend in Baltimore. I went there for the big day at my aunts house. Im the gal with the baby on the left. I love that child to death, Ella, my second cousin.

prep for my trip

I get to go to the east coast tomorrow. I'm flying out at noon. My cousin is picking me up, and taking me to dinner. Thursday morning I will go with her and her hubbie to the big thanksgiving fiasco! No one from my immediate family is going, just me, and I am totally stoked.

found out today that I am in my weight range

sweetness!- but after finding that out, I didnt eat a snack, and I restricted on dinner, and I have this intense urge to purge, and binge. self sabotage? ED telling me good, lie and lose weight. Lose weight lose weight lose weight! My body image is really negative and I am awfully critical of my thighs and my stomach. I bought clothes so when on my trip I can hide my stomach. Yuck, I hate how untoned and unfit I am.

I had breakfast and lunch in program

for dinner

slice of pumpkin bread

diet pepsi

1c cooked broccoli/ cauliflower

1-1 1/2c cooked white bean something with a little bit of bacon and who knows

3 bites of apple

1c mashed potatoes with butter?

and of course a big glass of water

keeping strong

So far, great! Still no purge and I have been following my meal plan to the T. Program went smooth today and so did m conversation with my dad. He can be really critical at times. However today, I was myself on the phone with him, as well as fully honest. Still no word from the team is I can travel for thanksgiving or not. I am trying, well I have to be, but really am trying to be patient and calm. Because regardless of their decision, my recovery and well being come first. I am staying strong in my recovery because of me, in other words, I have my own internal motivation. I am also noticing that I am not picking, and scrutinizing my body as much. That has significantly decreased. I think that is partly do to my better nutrition and weight restoration. Also to me actually feeling proud of myself for my changes surrounding food. OK, I am off to purchase Twlight :New Moon tickets. A couple of my housemates and I are going to go tonight, that is if not sold out.

I am out of the hospital! I was discharged from UCLA yesterday. I have moved back into my sober living house in La Jolla and attend a day treatment program monday thru friday. It feels really good to be out of inpatient. I have a better head on my shoulders and a more confidence about myself. So far so good. Last purge was on Oct. 29th, last binge sept 29th, and I have restored around 8lbs. Seriously I feel great. I just have to convince my new program that I can be trusted to follow my meal plan and show them how well I am doing. I was invited to my aunts for thanksgiving (a week from today is when I leave on the trip). In order for me to go, I want my new treatment team to approve of my going. So, the task at hand is to stay on track, and keep moving forward in my recovery. Wish me luck

In response to a requst from an aunt to come live/visit after treatment and or during treatment:

I am more then ever ready to come, finances wise not. I have been living on my parents income this whole treatment "chaos blessing" since July. If I was able to fly out I could do so the day before Thanksgiving and fly back either Sunday or Saturday afternoon. I leave impatient on the 13th, back to partial in San Diego (where I was before), and then home for the holidays and begin school in January. I would love to come out there for Thanksgiving, just need to find some funding to do so.


And for a little update:I am doing really well. I am in my weight range and going on passes and exposure outings. I have an understand of how many calories I need to function, and a better belief system over eating on a meal plan, and have gained a batter grasp on how much I don’t need the eating disorder in my life anymore. All good things. The staff are respectful and knowledgeable, and I am enjoying my privileges and recreational therapy (I am allowed to run 30mins twice a week). My favorite part is arts and crafts when I sculpt things from clay.

109.8 lbs

this I am okay with, however I purged last night. Not okay. I told right away which is great, but then when faced with drinking the ensures as a replacement I froze and said no. Now I dont RT privleges for the day.

yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. I got myself on a 1:1. through purging and chew and oiting my food and being oncompliant aboutmy pacing. It shook me up and I am talkng to people about my struggles reather do what i have over the lsat 6 days playing my cards and white knuckling it all. I snappped yesterday. Day 20 being inpatient at UCLA...

update

I wasn't in the mood the last couple of nights to journal, but tonight I have some spare energy. I made RT weight meaning I weight 109.2lbs I has to deal with my anxiety on that but now I was RT, which is recreational therapy. I can lift weights in the morning and at 9am I can walk or jog, or running after all of that is approved. Getting RT was one of my short term goals so yippe I did it. I was told my target weight range for my height I need to be 116-121Lbs. So then my disease mind says whattTTTTTTT that so high, but wisemind 115 isnt that bad. It might even look good on me. I had another patient say to me that I still looked really thin, which my ED voiced loved. Have I told you the last few days I have been eating one on one in my bedroom. Because something like my crying or hiding food would or has been upsetting the table or triggering. Well today was my first lunch back with the girls and guy and I think it went well. Definitely more entertaining then eating alone with a staff member.

I purged my lunch today. I told the staff and she did her job, made me sit down with two cups of ensure at "replace" me. How did I purge in an inpatient hospital? Well normal my door is lock, same with the bathroom door and today a I went to my room hoping it would be the case. Long and behold it was, and the next think I knew I purged and purged again.

I think I am getting over a bug. Some of the gals here are sick. I just have been sleeping a lot lately. And get this... it is now in my doctors orders no sleeping past too. Whops, failed that one. I slept during the community meeting just like I did last night and the move.

sigh oh a big sigh indeed. Today breakfast went alright. I got to stretch and lift weights before hand. And napped for a bit after breakfast which I woke from real rested. To come to lunch... dieaster. I spit some of my salmon into my cup and ti was found out. I drank the replacement but then purged. So then I had to drink more supplement which I only drank half. It had been one hell of a day, a long day. I isolated because I was embarrassed. Took a second nap. So then and 3:30pm snack and dinner runs around and I have to eat by myself with a staff in my room!

oh geez what a day

108.8lbs

another weigh in day, much anticapatory anxeity

another weigh in day, much anticipatory anxiety

I am consciencely aware in every moment that I am going to be weighed tomorrow morning. Its driving me nuts, its a just a weight i try to tell myself. But i still don't believe it. Half of my self, my wise self wants the number to go up, a lot but a little like a 1lb to a few ounces. That wouldn't be so heart wrenching, unlike the other side of me, my sick disorder half, wants to have my weight maintain or better yet lose weight. I have made a pro and con list in my head about the situation but here are some of my thoughts.

The side of me that wants and or understands the consequences will be if the scale number to be same or higher

• I am here to get better that means I need to gain back or restore an appropriate moment of weight
• I would be closer to my weight range
• Most likely to calorie increase
• If I am 109 and above I have recreational therapy privileges.
• More weight me closer to partial, then closer to home
• I don't want to spend the Holiday's in a hospital
• I am my period back so that I can have babies
• I am afraid of weighing more
• I criticize certain parts of my body even more after weigh days
• Its hard me to face the mirror

The side of me that wants and or understands what the consequences will be if the scale number to be lower

• less weight or maintenance means no "rt" privileges
• in inpatient longer
• calories will increase
• temporarily I will feel good about my body and life, but only temporary.
• If my weight goes down, it will be harder for me to eat because the ED thoughts will be super driven saying "stay thin Robin, you cant eat that"
• I would have more ED distortions and voices overall. They seem to come out even stronger around a weight success. The voices declare new and harsh rules I have to ply buy in order to stay and keep losing weight.
• Also, I tend too beat up and criticism by body more so
• my high is only temporarily
• I temporarily love the mirror and then "snap" its not my ally any more

Thats all I can think of for now. But I will wake tomorrow morning, and before I even approach the scale I am going to idetnify and determine how I am feeling. Also I going to stop stressing this weigh in and ruin the rest of my day. Its only 5pm. I have the hole night ahead of me.

a little note, with some insights

UCLA is wonderful . Surprising me constantly. We get outside at least once a day for 45 mins. The sun is still shining here but the temp is dropping. Nothing compared to the Autumn chills in WA, but jacket long pants worthy.. I really am trying this time. I think actually for the first time, me trying wise. I really want recovery. I just have so much coming up in January as motivators to get better. just to have a life again is motivating. But I so struggle sometimes hour to hour to day to day. I am just taking it slow. Yet the staff is challenging and helping me reach my potential. Breakfast was a struggle. I can still feel it in my belly and in the top of my throat. I was taken over by ed for a brief moment in my meal and I spit some food into my cup to avoid the feeling in my throat and my fear of swallowing it. here is some of my insight about why that happen.

A. I didnt get a lot of sleep do to a nightmare that kept attacking at me through out the night. It was about the incident I had with a pseudo boyfriend I was interacting with at the time. He forced me to give him oral sex and swallow. He liked to do things rough when it came to anything sexual. I dont. I mean he would pull my hair and face down on him and would not even like me come up for air. It was awful, and it was something that happened a lot.

B. Today at breakfast I was eating scrambled eggs and for some reason I had a hard time swallowing. The nightmare was still resonating in me. It felt like it was the incident all over again. Being timed when eating, that time pressure. I just wanted the meal to end. I could swallow anymore, so I spit into my cup most of my scrambled egg. The staff didnt notice. But I will process everything and confess later to day. Oddly I am proud that I was able to look deeper and identify when was going on, what I was thinking. Because it was not about the food. It had nothing to do with the food.

C. But in those moments sitting at the breakfast table, I made it about the food, about the portions and my lack of trust in the team when it comes to calories and portions. In that moment when I choose to obey my eating disorder I was distracting from how I was feeling about my nightmare, and my hatred toward that boy, and all the shame that I have about not stopping the boy and not fighting back. In a way, my spitting out food and restricting was really me trying to control the past and get back at him, but really I only hurt myself.

Thats the insight I had this morning. My friend Emily on the phone was really helping. I definitely use talking with others as a healthy coping skill compared to the alternatives like pacing or exercising or purging to numb out my feelings. I am still emotional feeling my nightmare, and I want it to stop and go away. When I pace those emotions go away. I hate remembering. When I remember, I feel disgusting, dirty, inadequate, and all "the should's".

Hope this helps anyone, but it helped me just to write about it.

108.3

anyone watch greys antomoy? tonights show is intense! I was 108.3 this morning, I actually lost .4 lbs since monday. Not sure if that means I automaticaly get a caloire increse, but I am disspointed becasue at that weight I dont get RT. I am hanging in. Med change but so far I like it. I am sleeping better at least. Thats all for now

sweet dreams

yippeee!

I was accepted to give a presentation at the CEC conference in Nashville Tennessee next spring break!!!!!! This is an amazing feat considering I am still an undergrad! Not many get accepted. I am so freaking excited... if you cant tell.

On to other things, weight. 108.7. This I am ok with. I ate my little granola soy milk with half a banana breakfast with the coffee and water with no problem this morning. Breakfast is usually my easiest of meals. My meals are 450cals each and snacks (which I have twice a day) are 150 calories. I try not to think about it too much, not to dwell on it but thats my reality. Out of the hospital I was eating around 300 calories and purging the rest. Since I have been at UCLA I have not purged, and only had the urge and thought maybe twice. I get to pick what I eat, but I have to get the caloric amount I have been set to by the dietitian. The dietitian has been at UCLA for 30 years. Today I am going to ask my therapist about getting recreational therapy approved. From what I have been told by another patient, during rec therapy i can lift weights go for walks or a short run. Who knows really but anything outside of my unit walls is fantastic. Just this little break I am having now helps, simply writing and emailing or playing a game of online tetris gives me some relief and a little smile.

AWW sweet. the nurse just brought me my nicatine gum. I love that stuff. I never really smoked a bunch, just a little for about 5 months and then I discoverd the gum and I love it more then the cigs! I think I am addicted to the gum now. lol.

signing off- the gleeful robs

I get weighed in tomorrow. I already am nauseated just thinking about it. And I was a bad patient today. I hid food at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at my hs snack. I am going to confess in a bit and am not sure what the consequences will be but my guilt is killing me. Well.. my healthy voice is the one confessing, my disease voice is telling me to not tell, because then I will have to stop. But isnt that what I want to do? To get better? But I don't want to gain weight. Honestly, my ed voice wants the scale to say I lost weight tomorrow. How do I make this ed voice go away for good. My ed voice is seeing the skinny bony girl with the peg tube in her stomach as an idle. I keeping wanting to use the word "I" but I am practicing separating my eating disorder from the real me, the healthy me that one day wants children and my own home and a dog and a career. My disease voice has been haunting me in the night when I pace in the hospital, when I hid my food today. The taste of that disease is still lingers and is still yummy. I still crave it. It tells me that when I get out of here I can be that skinny 94lb woman. I still dont understand why. Why it tells me this. What is it that I am afraid of. I am scared to grow up and face the real challenges in life. I am terrified. I think I am hiding in my disease because of this. I think thats why I still want to stay sick. Part of me wants to discharge so that I can be a better anorexic and get that skinny bony look. But what does that prove if I do reach that weight, that outward appearance? I dont have the answer yet. Why am I scared to be healthy? Is it that I am afraid my dreams wont happen? Is it that I might fail, or be miserable? Id rather hurt others before they hurt me. And Id rather blame a sickness then my my true healthy self and have nothing to blame for all the pain and misfortunes, and the disappointments. I think I am holding on to this eating disorder simply out of fear. Though my therapist here at UCLA is focusing so much on my trauma past, I really dont believe thats why I have an eating disorder. Sure it has some impact, but other factors play roles too. Like my extreme desire to be liked and approved of. And how I crave attention. And what about my shoplifting addiction. That needs to be addressed.

thats all for now. Hope all is well with you, may some peace and serenity find you tonight. Sleep well everyone

I have to say, some of the male doctors are gorgeous and yummy to look at here on the campus. UCLA is a beautiful campus.

So my first night here I had a terrible nightmare. The full on sweats and screaming. A nightmare where you know you are dreaming but for the life of you you get wake yourself up. I dont remember the details of the dream. I only remember the male night staff person waking me up. It was awful.

Things around here are pretty strict but at the same time laid back. I am getting a lot of individual care and attention which I think is going to make this program work for me. I, am trying to take it moment to moment, and nice and slow, at a pace I can handle. Just enjoying my good moments, and riding out the moments that are uncomfortable and uneasy. Like now. I finished breakfast, and am antsy and really really want to go run or sign myself out so I dont have to eat another meal. But I am not going to. So far I am very compliant and am following all the rules and guidelines. As well as being very proactive in my recovery. Its only day 2 but I giving it my best.

Ok, thats all for now. Have a good day at work for those who work, and those who at studying, good luck with classes.. Talk to you later!Love, Robs

1st half day back in...

Yes to all, I am once again back in inpatient care. This time a new place. Overall, this is my 4th stay at an inpatient facility. With that being said...

Overall, I am doing alright. Dinner went by ok. Salmon, green beans, and strawberries I skipped the lunch hour because I wasnt checked in yet (ED didnt mind that). They show my weight here. Its part of their phliosohpy. Which... I am actually ok with this. I cant hide from scales forever. 108.4lbs at check in...... ok, ed was PISSED. Thats it! 108.4 Why cant I be skinnier! However, some of the patients here are in bad, bad shape. One has a colonspy bag (her colon removed... think about it!) A bag for her shit... dont know excatlly know the specfics of how that works, but wow.... and another had a heart attack at 19, was in the medical hospital for a month before she came here last week. Again... I am so blessed nothing like that has happened to me. Well... I was in a coma once (aug of 2008 for three days) but that wasnt eating disorder related. But they are scary scary looking, and I dont ever want to look like that. Or be so sick and battling this disorder so long that I have to eat puree food all the time...again gross.

Also, here at UCLA they talk calories. Like I need to pick a 150 cal snack, or so many cals at dinner. So I know excatly how many calories I am consuming.... Only 6 patients here, which is nice, and I see my individual thearpist each day, but offically meet 3 times a week for a session. I think this program is going to be alright for me. Some staff are young but nothing like the other place. And I will get use to everything. I am still feeling overwhelmed and nervous, but doing ok.

thats all for now. later beautys!

ok, so I am going to UCLA impatient on wed. yipp...eee... said with some sarcasm. treatment is soooooo expensive. But it's my life right? I'm worth this, right? OK course I am.. but its still a lot of moollla.

i cant even count the number of times I purged today. too many. But I did keep in the protein smoothie I made, and the frozen yogurt with the fixings. The second is to my disappointment. I was just too late in purging to get it out.

me going back inpatient is a blessing. Not just for the containment of the purging that got out of control but it just shows that under stress what did I do? I went back to purging. There are still issues that need dealt with. And I still need to learn how to eat like a normal person. ANd not binge, and purge, and starve. Or care so darn much about my weight. At UCLA I will get therapy three times a week which I am actually excited about. And its suppose to be an overall round the clock good program. I just hope its not like the other inpatient place where I have gone and the workers are younger then me. and like in their 20's. Grant it I am only 23 but still...

ok, my packing is 95% complete. Just have to load my bathroom stuff. And my car mostly loaded. I have to drive tomorrow morning to LA to pick up my dad, then we hang out at the hotel the rest of the afternoon till wed 8am I am admitted. I'm nervous......

words for thought

104lbs i think, who knows.

words for thought

I started out this morning all psyched about recovery. Did well and stayed busy up till a hour hour ago. Then i did a mini lunch, plus binge. it was the blue cheese on the salad that did it over my edge. Not sure why. I a was just really eating what a normal meal would be but somehow I made it "too much" in my mind so it had to be purged. And now as I sit here typing, I want more food just to purge it up. I know I am going impatient on wednesday as long as my insurance will cover it, which I am 75% sure it is. Yet I wonder the what ifs. I had been good about not purging up until a week ago. I even spent 16 dollars yesterday on binge food. And ate alone in my car, which I said I wouldn't do. What did I relapse. I think my disease or disorder whatever you like to call it is screaming.. why not, because this is last chance, you are going into the hospital again, you might as well bp. Lose weight. why not, you know you want to. i hate that voice, but its a love hate relationship.

there's me at my brothers wedding on the far right in the stripe dress. believe it or not I weighed 108.5lbs. I look huge though!

going back inpatient on Monday

my labs are fine, my blood pressure is low, HR was 82, yet my lack of following a meal plan and restricting, and losing weight has my partial treatment program discharging me to inpatient. I will be attending UCLA 90% sure. I have chatted with them today and everything seems set for monday, UCLA is checking my benefits as we speak. I am hoping to hear from them tomorrow. The sooner the better just so I have plans, something solidifying, so I am not in limbo anymore. This sucks going back. Giving up my liberties once again. This will be number 4 for inpatient "visits."

I knew it was coming. But did I subconsciously make or want this to happen? I am not sure. I think my treatment team thinks that I enjoy being inpatient. Grant it there are some comforts to it, for instance being taken care of, more support, which I need. Did I need to go so far to prove that I am that sick? What am I doing? Why am I still restricting, and playing this eating disorder game. Answers unknown at this moment. I am just typing from the heart (as well as waiting for my whitening teeth strips to be over). My night time meds are kicking in so I am going to retire back to my bedroom. Goodnight my friends

i fucking binged and purged twice today in a 3 hour period. no money spent, but I feel like crap. i fucking through myself a pity party. treatment is referring me to higher level of care b/c i am losing weight and not following my meal plan, or rules i guess.

108.5 in the am, and tonight 110lbs, will check again in the am. This scale is a curse. I am compelled to step upon its holiness each morning this past week. And at the same time I am suppose to be embracing recovery. Can I have both? The scale and recovery. I am sure the answer is know but my eating disorder voice screams " you cant give up the scale, how will you know your worth, you, you need it, you depend on it, you love the scale" WRONG. I love the feeling the scale gives me when the number the dial reads is low or lower or no higher than 110. Then I love the beast. Anything else, I detest the beast. Its a love hate relationship. Btw, ED told me not to eat anything more tonight, but I am challenging that voice in me, that nasty nagging voice. As I type I am drinking a supplement shake combo thingy I made, only 180cals but its something. Its something. I have to go back to treatment tomorrow. I am kind of dreading it. I am sure I will get weighed, and I am afraid that I have lost too much weight. I am thinking about cheating my weight, but I am better then that. Do you know I still haven't purged? Yup, true story. Since august 24th of this year. Thats like 30 days? or less, but something like that. I am stoked. I made it the entire weekend, through the wedding rehearsal dinner, and the wedding reception. I opt out of cake, but am ok with that. Today I enjoyed a tiny small bite of dark chocolate fudge. It was very satisfying, but tempting to binge and purge on. But I wont.

ok, im spacing as I zone into the television land of dreaming and fantasy. Its good to be back in la jolla, ca. Back to some "normalcy" alirghty, im heading to bed. night.

109lbs upon awaking

the sun is sunshine for the wedding today. yesterday it was pouring, but i am in a great mood. Took some anti anxiety meds which are really helping me stay chill and not well.. duh anxious. I haven't eaten anything today, and I better. I think I will make a little oatmeal with fruit and walnuts to tie me over till the family style dinner at the wedding reception. I took a nap while watching some football with the aunt, uncle, and cousins. I am in a chipper mood and ready full be myself today. But food will help. Mostly so I don't let myself be starving for food later and freak myself out.

yay for blue sky. Today is going to be fun. Ill remember to bring the camera. I want pictures to see what I really look like. Some say I am still skinny, but look better than the last wedding two years ago. My weight has been yo yoing for the last three years. Crazy. Im kinda dizzy and blah feeling. Have I mentioned I have quit smoking. For a week now. Except I think I have become addicted to the nicotine gum. I love that stuff. I was really only smoking in the first place to avoid eating and feeling hungry. And for the high and energy splurge. The gum has been giving me a better high... I still need to shower and eat, yet my eating disorder voice, the ed is screaming no food. screaming go measure your waist. Weigh myself again. No food. But I am not going to obey ed in this moment. I am saying no ed. I already weighed myself. And I know my body needs food for functioning, especially on a day like today.

two hours remaining till photo time with the families. Wedding is at 4pm. Then let the dinner frenzy and partying begin.

whheeee we... weighed in at 111lbs this morning

rehearsal dinner for my brothers wedding is over and done with. And I am back in my bed pretty much safe and sound except for a low grade hunger pain. I know I should have eaten more but was just so darn nervous and it didnt help my case that there were 50 people in my house, most of which are my extended family. I had a blast dont get me wrong, just not the best eating day for me. I had a tall nonfat wet cappuccino this am, 3/4 of a homemade boost shake packed with protein and fiber, lots of diet coke, 3 glasses small of red wine, 3oz of salmon grilled with grilled veggies, and some salad with apple balsamic dressing, and a tiny cut slice of baguette bread... i feel more of my total day calories came from the wine. But it helped take the edge of a little. I made it through though. Without eating a cupcake or nuts. AND NO PURGE. I had strong urges to do so, but i kept them at bay. I am so determined to make it through the weekend without purging.

Now one day down, the wedding is tomorrow, and I have no idea about the food part. I think I can manage. mentally, my restricting today will help me not feel so guilty about eating, and we shall see much I weigh in the am. lol no bm today so I have the number is the same 111 or lower. im praying that its lower but then at the same time, the healthy side of me recognizes I shouldnt be thinking this way.

Before I sleep, it must be sad that my siblings and parents have been amazing so far. Same with the cousin and my aunts. OK, night everyone

why the hell did I weigh myself today! why why why! it only led me to restrict dinner and then go for a jog later, grant it it was only for 10mins but I am not even suppose to be jogging at all. I walked for a good time too tonight. What provoked me to weight myself. I knew I wasnt going to like the number that the scale read. Of course I am not going to like it. It read 115. On last saturday a scale I stepped on read 110. Now I know all scales are different and I did have meals and ensures and water in me prior to stepping on the scale, but really 115!!! Now it is ever so tempting to step on it in the morning. What if it reads the same..... why oh why did i bring this hell upon myself

At least I am all packed up for my trip back home for my brother wedding. I am nervous but really excited at the same time. I plan on restricting.... that wrong, bad, shouldnt be doing that. But yet my urges are strong. Any advice?

i really really really don't want to eat my snack tonight. I am having an alright day and yet cant seem to figure out why I am being so triggered and restricting. I cant identify what is is that I am avoiding, or fearing, or not trusting, but I am sure as hell feeling blubberish and fat in this moment. I get weighed tomorrow at my partial treatment outpatient center. If my weight is down I supposedly will be referred to a residential care center or back to impatient. It all really depends on finances and what my insurance will approve of. And then I need to keep the weight and gain over the weekend or again the same threat. I think deep down somewhere in my heart I know I need a higher level of care, but another part inside of me doesn't want to go. Doesn't want to believe it. That part of me says I can buckle down and do this. But at the same time, the disease is hooraying me for losing weight and hooraying me to cheat my weight tomorrow. But thats not going to get me anywhere. Im scared. I am really scared. And I should go and eat more. I should. The infamous phrase "I should..." But really is eating more tonight going to make me gain a lb? No. So the disease in me says restrict. And once again, I obey the eating disorder. I restricted. But only minimally. Is that an ED excuse or forgiveness phrase. I should have done 100% and shown the team, but I didn't. I cant get that part of the day back. Its over and done with and its almost 10pm at night. I even went for a walk today and yesterday to clear my head, and it felt great. But I am so scared about tomorrow. All of the what ifs are racing through my head. And I need to get rid of my case of the "shit's" and the "should's." Its never a nice feeling to should all over yourself. Especially tonight. What's done is done. I can't turn back the last 15 days. Oh how I wish I could.

How am I going to tell my parents. What are they going to say back to me in response? Why wont my tears start flowing as much as I want them too. I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to reject me.

You know I am kinda pissed too. Other individuals in my program are still purging and they arent being sent away to higher level of care. Thats not fair. Why am I getting all the stern talks and speaking toos. He should be sent back to impatient. He is purging. I am not. That I am sooooo stinking proud of. I have not purged since Aug 24, like 20 days now. HOOOORAY for me, but is that good enough for my current treatment team. No. I have to comply with my meal plan and gain alllll this weight. I drink the ensures and cringe, but I do it. Ok sure I played games with it in the beginning but Im not this week of part of last week. I want more time to prove to them I can do this. To prove to myself I can do this. Its really hard though. That disease voice screams in my ear when I leave program. I always have the intention of eating my full exchanges at dinner, and to be honest, I am really bad at eating a snack. But doesn't my efforts and my trying account for anything? I hope so. I really am doing the best that I can. I haven't lied to anyone or manipulate my weight or anything like that. AGain, hooray for me.

ok, sleeping meds are kicking in. Gnight for now. Take care and wish me the best.

Love, R

a little hello

First, thank you to all who read. Its a great thing to read " you are so inspiring" My goal for blogging is to clear my head, and if to help anyone it helps, even better. I strive to influence others along my journey to life and recovery. I am by no means perfect. I struggle everyday. But thats why I write, why I journal. So that maybe my absurdities can be brought to the open, so that I can have insights myself. I need all the help and support I can get, thats why I write. I am very grateful for all my readers. You teach me.

Anyways-

last purge: Aug. 24th (my 23rd bday),

last binge: July 16th,

last self injury: Aug. 21st,

last drink: July 16th

days following a meal plan:..... honestly I cant remember, because i haven't been. This is where I am struggling the most. With the weight gaining I am suppose to be doing (I have actually been losing weight) and with restricting. The anorexia is really hanging on, this disease is fighting to keep me sick. Restricting is my biggest struggle.

Tools these week: two ensures plus a day with a buddy for accountability, as well as I am only to go on walks with a buddy for 20 minutes 3 times per week.. only 20 minutes! Thats nothing. But its something. So I am grateful. In the past weeks I have not been following my excerise limits. Oh and I am suppose to have a gym buddy so that I don't weigh myself, as well get on the cardio machines. It is soooooo tempting on both accounts.

I have a weekend pass next weekend to go to my brothers wedding. I am stoked, but nervous. What to where? How do I answer my extended family's questions and concerns. I don't even know who all knows about what I have been dealing with, and what's been going on with me over the lat year, in articular over the last two months. Its really none of anyones business but I like the caring and loving individuals show me. What's nice about the weekend, is that its not all about me. Its his and Jenny's day. Not mine. And the truth is probably more like, no one is going to be giving me a thought. Most wont even notice me. At the same time, I wont the how my god you are too skinny comments, and I want to hear the concerns to validate that I am loved and thought of. It's what I think would be called a catch 22. But I want to wear a dress at the wedding that makes me look really skinny. I still think I'm fat. This big piece of blubber.

A new gal is going to be moving in soon, so I am going to hop in the shower to look presentable. Later my peeps,

R

UPDATE: I'm out of inpatient

Hi follow bloggers,

I have been neglectful about righting you, but I had some free time this am and I was thinking about you all. Are you ready for the long weekend? I hope that you are well. Currently I am attending a partial program for ED's at Sharp Mesa Vista in San Diego, CA. I am living in a sober living house in La Jolla. I was discharged from BHC Alhambra last sunday. Partial has been a struggle with restricting, but I am happy to report that I am 14 days purge free. And binge free since July 16th. And I have yet to buy a scale, though I am the urge to do so is a daily battle.

Inpatient I was able to get away with a lot, probably not my best choice to attend that facility, but I learned a lot about myself. I am back on meds and no longer have the thoughts about hurting myself. Depression and anxiety are still present but manageable. I sure gave them a show for the first couple of weeks, but then surrendered. My triggers are somewhat manageable, or at least I have gained a vast awareness of what triggers me. My emotions are very vibrant which I think has been the biggest challenge to recovery. Letting the tears roll freely, and feeling my anger at the surface and not reacting to the anger I feel impulsively or by hurting myself either through self harm or purging. Like I said, restricting these days are my hardest challenge, and the body image. I am still on a restoration meal plan with two supplements a day. Accepting that I am still gaining weight, especially now that I am partial, is another daily battle, almost hourly battle. I just take it one meal, one snack, one hour at a time.

Living only two blocks away from the beach has been fantastic in terms of relaxing and self soothing but not helpful with the beach full of runners and bikinis. My roommate at the sober house is awesome. We hang out, chat, and comfort each other. She is significantly older, but we relate a lot and are very open with one another. My house is full of optimism and life, a very positive space and I am grateful to my parents for funding me to stay here. I am loaning money from my folks for the rent, and the co-pays for treatment.

My dad has been amazing throughout this whole adventure. He has gone beyond my wildest expectations of our relationship. He visited me while impatient, and drove down when I discharged so that I could have a car and to assist with my transition to partial. I will admit I am extremely lonely, and during most hours I feel hopeless. Like "why am I doing this? I am going to fail anyways? Why am I making myself so uncomfortable, when I can just lose weight and feel better?" Then I remind myself I want to get back to my great therapist Jeanne (yay!), and complete my degree (I go back in Jan.) I want to attend my brothers wedding thats coming up in a few weeks, and I want to be healthy for my older sisters wedding that happening next year. She even asked me to be her maid of honor with Jill (the younger sister). And I simply want to keep this happiness.

As of now, if all stays on track, I should be done with partial mid october. My plan is to return to my parents at that time and complete IOP with the Moore Center. After that, I will return to school and complete my internship and graduate.

Well thats all for now. Again, I hope that everything is well and peachy with you.

Take care,

Robin

its my birthday, im intreatment, buts its my BBBIIIRRRTTTHHHDAY. whoooo we at bh chillzze. I am doing ok, hanging in there. Thanks to all for the birthday wishes. Made me have a tredmous day. My phone kept buzzzing. One must love that facebook annouces it to everyone( my mom didint even call, just facebooked walled me mama loves you, happy bday!) But none the less, I am a happy young women on her 23rd. DO I feel different, heck no, But do I feel empowered, yes.... am I still going to purge tonight yes, but i freaking hate all the ensure plus calories. It was there fult to begin with. I was called out of lunch and they didnt save me my plate and my phone call meeting took foever so at snacks and dinner I had to add supplements to make up for my missed lunch. But all is well. Im am ok. And I am safe. Who knows where my mind is today I never got my ADD meds. OPPS on their fault too. Stupid phramacy never delviered and the whole unit was out. Therpy went well this am, but I have to go back to my slepping unit. I hear the jingle of the keys.. later

my bday is monday!!!!!!

a little update

Hey folks,

I am better today. leave it at that. Yesterday different story. I am on 1:1 or one to one supervision for self harm and eating disorder behaviors. Its intense having someone around all that time, but they bandaged me up and cover and cleaned my wounds. That I am ok with except on my arm. It makes it look worse then it is.

Yesterday was the day 8/17 that I was raped before my 16th birthday. I turn 23 on monday. Through the course of my lise several shitty thigs I have encounter and been through. I wont tell my life story here, I did so already in a group setting. What I will say is that I can get through all this pain and hurt, and one day I will not let the memories and nightmares have so much power of me and my thoguhts and actions. It was really nice to have my indeivial tharpist, who is also the head dirctor of the program, been in the rooma t the same time I told my life story.

I get to go to yoga two times this week. Since I have a one to one, I lost my level 2 privleges, but I did get to go outside for a bit and fed the ferral cats. PS spell cheaker isnt working tonight for some reason.....so I apoliges if words are jumbled and off. I am typing a stream consceince style tonight.

I did like to journal. My blogging so my type of journaling. It just works better for me. I am so anxious and shaky as I type this. I hate that I cant excerise. I am wired otnight. but I think I will take my meds earlyier so that I can sleep. Maybe I will knit some more. Just always having someone around is unerving. Yes it's for my own good but still, must they attend with me to the restroom?

got to go

no i dont think the treatment center knows I'm bloggin, but really its just my thoughts and opinions on life.

I feel must improved today

good news, but hella nerves

My mom and dad have been amazing every since our last family session. Get this. My dad is driving the 22 hours to visit me tomorrow and for a 2hr pass on Sunday! I get to leave the facility! yay! And to see my dad! I am stoked, however very nervous. What's he going to say to me? Is this a check in on me and making sure I am doing my job or the treatment is doing there job? Who knows, am I going to be able to live through the weekend and sit with my anxiety? You betcha. Don't really have another choice but is is so worth it to go on a pass. Both my individual therapist and family therapist thought it would be great for to use this opportunity to spend some one on one time with the dad. And how often with this opportunity come up. I mean, home is 22 hours away from where I am in treatment.

other good news: I have come to accept that I am going to be in inpatient treatment for awhile longer. Probably till the first week of September. That means that I must accept me not doing my internship this fall and having to post pone it, Sucks. But that's reality. I have been given this opportunity to heal and to recovery, and if insurance is paying, I need to take advantage of it. I am going to write my letter to my department supervisor after I finish blogging.

I am dieing to take pics of myself to see what I look like. I know by body has changed. I'm up to 110lbs now, with my ideal goal range of 118-121lbs. So far to ad to the good news is today is the end of day three with 100% eating my meal plan ( no hiding food, or purging). But at the end of the day I cant help but exercise. I try to do at least thirty minutes. I run in my room, jumping jacks, abs, squats, pace around, do arm dips and push ups. But overall, I am improving.

ta ta for now

she saw a mark

at snack we have to roll up ourselves, the snack monitor saw the mark I did to myself on the arm, I am freaking out. I was panicky when i did the scat ch in the first place, now I cant stop twitching even more. And my meal plan is all different. I have to do butter! and health shakes at least instead of an ensure plus. a whopping 50 cals extra. i weighed 110lbs today though my dietatican says she has no idea how much i really weigh. I am terriefeed of weighing that much for real. They weigh me three times a day now. And I promised not to weight myself don or anything

at least I have yoga to look forward too tomorrow

Check in on New Year goals
Here are the goals I set for 2009. Lets see how I am doing: yup NONE except the hair has been met

1) Grow out my hair
Still growing, no hair cut in sight... maybe a new hair color, but no length opting
2) Be 100lbs by college spring break
3) Have more patience and tolerance for my family members
Still a work in progress, much improvement I must say
4) No red meat, or pork
I do my best,same with the below
5) No trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, hydronated or partially oils
treatment makes this impossible
6) Save up $3000 in my savings account
Not so well with saving money, binge is expensive, food in general is expensive. Currently I have 78$ in my savings account.

la de da de da another day in treatment, only purged once, and I actually ate all my meals and snacks and didnt have to boost! thats a yay and yay in my book. Someone commented about being in the mindset of recovery, and to respond its an hour by hour thought of mine. i sometimes and crying because i dont want to eat, other days I am totally gung ho for recovery, yet I still engage in behaviors. Tonight however I have found out that the other peers here really do support love and care for me. We had a new inpatient admit tonight and she freaked me out. I was promised a room and NOOOOo the poor poor thing swears she was given that room, so yes I have a room to myself but I get the handicapped room. I was suppose have the normal room. I am trying to be a good person and not hate her, but she already is extremely triggers. I should feel sorry for, empathic maybe? But I love her body to some degree and she taking over my role as a trouble maker. Shes had her fits already in less then 24hours. And I have done so well today, finally got to earn back to sleeping in the EDO unit. My peers are amazing.....

tomorrow is going to be incredible hard. You know what that sad thing about wanting my own room is that I can exercise when i want. I dont like that the room is so small and that ..... Im just pissed I didnt get 108! god damn it. Ok Robin get over it. I am better then to pout over this. But- therapy garble- its ok to feel this emotion and it too shall pass. I dont know what my underline is triggering this current emotion la de da de da. Maybe it wont be so bad. I can try it for a night, but then I can switch to share a room if necessary. Just .. i dunno.

The group is watching "Intervention" on AE right now. I love that show but only the eating disorder episodes.... great ones, but very triggering.

only 25 minutes till I am off my observation. I need to make this program work. I almost was discharged today because of my non compliance and not following the program i.e. excessive pacing, restring, purging, self harm, hiding food, bargaining and not listening to stuff. But like I siad today was a good day. I talked a lot, got to know my peers better and learn that I do really like them, especially when I am struggling. I cant believe I told Cheryl what that I purged.

no they are takling about clothes. I dont even want to think about lciothes, about all the weight I am going to gain, what I wont fit into when i get homw. Now I think I should have goone ohome when I got the chance. Escape while I could . But thats the eating disorder talking. I can see that its yapping at me. But god, I feel so ugly, so hug, so chunky. I see how them tha new admit is and Jen and Elizabeth and my ED is soooo jealous. It makes me want to get better to get out with a discharge that is honaorbale to apporve the team and parents and then come back to a low low weight. Why do I so badly what to be then thin, that sick? I dont understand. I have my changin bpdy. But I guess they are right in that I need to tolerate it. Not agree, I can agree with that voice all i want, but its nesscary that i disobey it.

Alirght I am getting are jarbled and confused. Meds are kicking in. Night ladies

I am in a much better space today. Feeling more like myself. Sucks being on a sucice watch list, but they didnt put me on a hold. Still voluntary status at the treatment center in CA. Last night I had a mjor cry session and fully opened my hurt and some old wounds to the thearpists and the other patients that were in the after meal nightly wrap up. Didnt know I had it in me. I resigned and obliged to a contract to stay in the eating disorders program. If I come home now, I will get lower weight and probably get way to sever to fast. I cant beleive my insurance has been paying so far, keeping my fingers crossed for more days.... I am still very jeaouls of two of the ladies here. They both weigh under 90lbs. The lowest I ever got was 100lbs. How badly I want my life to turn around for the better yet, I still crave that low low bony weight. Why do I want to be hopsitalzied? Why do I want to be so sick I need a feeding tube? Why do I want to be kept on a hold becuase I am gravely disabled? Is it for attention? Some need of mine to prove something? Or is is that I really want to die, but dying from eating disorder is more favorable or more painful or better, like more... admirable. At least thats why the ED voice is telling me.

I did much better eating today, and controling my paceing. I am on the patch now, so no more smoking. I have to an upswing, ore more improvement over the weekend. I need to prove to the treatment team that I trust them and that I mean business. Its just fucking hard. I hate food. I think Im really fat right not. And it didnt help me seeing my weight. My meds are going to change tomorrow. I am sure this will help, but I hate being in a place in my head where I cant make good desisons and I want everything and nothing at the same time. I want to get rid of the eating disorder but not scarfice my body... recovery is going to be a long tough journey, but a much needed nesscary one at that.

Tonight I will try and love myself.
Just keeping thinking of my life goals, and what I really really want. And thats to stop hurting so much on the inside, and stop hurting my family. Stop all my negative beside. I want to be happy and to love myself. I want to simply be ok with myself and enjoy me. I wnat my family to enjoy me, and want to be around me. I want to date Mike, and have a relationship. To trust again. To love again. And to love me. And comparing to others isnt helping... I am to go to my sleeping unit.

With care, Robs

sorry for the last post, I was writing too fast. I have been in treatment offically for two weeks and two days, when an unknown discharge date.

I am feeling well today, though I am cheating the system, Iplayed sick so tha I could be in another unit whereit was easier to purge. And I purged, and at brekfast I didt eat part of my muffin and got a smaller portion of oatmeal. At lunch I chewed and spit most of my sandwaich. I still need to pce more nad burn more calories. fst..... ok.. next meal...

so I am two into treatment. what a rush. I am struggling daily witht he food and thoughts and purging and my weight. But the people and staff are really nice and accomadting. Binging is the lest frim my mind hence its lack there of in a place like this. We eat constatnly, and I am still compelling to try to get away frim hdiing food therefroe trying to escape from calories. Just eating my meal plan in 30mins is a meal to meal struggle. But much improved since last wekk, actually since day one. They have me watched a lot, for my own good. But sinec I havent had any BM action since arrival, afterprune juice and mirolax they went stright to a laxative magniesum suflate. yikes. just waiting for it to kick in now.....


peace out you peeps you friends

wish me weight loss with the lax

long over due update

hey everyone

just letting you know I went into inpatient treat 14 days ago, hence the lack of input and posting. I am still alive and well, well.... doing the best I can to managage and cope with what life has handed me right now. This sucks, they had me on a hold for awhile, and now that I an=m volunteary again, I want to sliplt so bad. There is only so much food and thearpy a person can handle.


I have to tell my theaprist something. I fell I ought to but I think they might put on watch again. DO you know how hard it is to admit you have sucidal thoughts? Can anyone realte? OR how to tell someone? YEa....

so i figured out I can get on this site without the interenet blockage I will check back tomorrow or a few days. Hope all is well. By the way my weight is 105lbs! and tye are making me drink suplements... gross and way too fattening.. at leat I am not stealing or binging.... thank goodness for that

night ladies
be welll yourselves.

no idea what I weigh today.. prob a good thing. I did weigh to much bping yesterday. Today I am up, and in a descent mood, and off to go hike with my dad. However, that big ball of light that hangs out in the sky has gone MIA. Keep your fingers cross no rain, but I love hiking with my dad because it is an actual hike, a descent milage and workout. Lets hope I am not disappointed, but I can always hit the gym later.

Peace

freakin A.. bp most of the day away from 2pm- now. this morning weighed 108, and just now stepped on and 112. i fucked hate this game I play... and grrr. so I popped a complet laxs. and am in bed depressed

108.5 at mom and dads scale

so I am pretty sure I was diagnosed as bipolar today... oh goodie.
I have done an amazing job so far today restricting intake and the urge to binge and purge.

woke up in a funk, went to thearpy, it helped a little so did tyneol and a nap, and coffee

one doc wants me to go inpatient, for safety, but also to be monitored for med maintence and what not. They dont want me offing myself, I dont want that either..

what a day......

lots to do today: Good morning Monday

108lbs

I bpd yesterday a bunch, probably because it was my last day at work as caregiver, and so i needed to bank on all the free food and sweets. And also, I woke up so dang freaking early, I was out of my element and normalcy. 

I am still looking for a new place to live. I need to go to the financial aid office and see about a forgivable loan as teacher for next year to help with tuition and living expenses.

My list for today:

1pm coffee with Bridget

9:30pm date with Mike

maybe lunch with Matt at 11:30?

donate plasma

keeping searching for a place to live for Sept- who cares.

support process group at 7pm

My goal is to do all my right eating things, the no bp and actually eat something, and be kind to myself, thats important too, til after date with Mike. I need to get to the support group, and I think I am going to be ok. I am busy enough today to make this day a successes. I felt so good on the 4th not purging all day. I want to have another day like that.

i didnt purge at all yesterday!

I had a fantastic day yesterday. Still 108 lbs today. Fireworks were a blast. And I drank a little, snuggled with the boy, the boy slept over. I am totally playing him, but whatever. Hanging out in the sun with Katie, and just chatting with her. I love that gal, She is an amazing friend. And I havent purged or binged since 9pm on friday. That is great success for me. Ok, boy is still in bedroom, I think I am going to make him breakfast.

4th of July goodness- 108lbs

Happy Birthday America, way to be independent. Lets all go out and drink heavily, stuff our faces with meat, wear our red, white, blue and our cowboy hats and bikinis, and drink, and sing, and be dangerous with fireworks.... I love this holiday, because of the fireworks, sunny weather and prime time to be lazy and tan. Not the other stuff.

When did every holiday be about food and drinking? calories, calories, calories.

I am packing my own stuff, and the plan is to be moving and walking a lot today. And get a tan.

The scale read 108lbs this morning. Yesterday, I heavily restricted. Ran for a little over 30mins, and biked to work and back. On the return trip, I went the long way, caught the sunset and was so peaceful. At work, it was double pay (awesome! and I choose to get off at nine so that I could have some social time with people) Played Uno, drank some (vodka and diet cranberry juice), fooseballd.  Went to bed around 2am and cuddled with Matt. 

I do have a date on Monday with Mike ( a guy I met at a bar during one of my favorite regga bands concert. Very small town, very small bar. From what I can remember he works in marine biology and is associated with the college I am at. He is on the older side (not sure how old yet), but so far... I am charmed and excited to get to know him. He's cute too. And he danced! All pluses so far. He has been really polite on the phone, and easy to talk to on the phone. Yay....... I love dating.

ok, I need to shower, do my hair, tour a potential house to live in (lease ending soon), skip over to BGO and hopefully they still have my soymilk on sale, then off to play in the sun and enjoy the 4th festivals down by the water.

If you are in the states, be safe and make smart choices =)

Have a good one!- ps I am in a really freaking amazing mood!

I hate seeing 110 this morning

I have been thinking, and just wanted to share somethings:

I know this is common with eating disorders, but I never really understood it in regards till myself till this morning. I am very superstitious when it comes to my scale. Like, moving it, how I step on it, when I step on it. Which scale first. I have a ritual with my scales. And my fear is, if I break any of them... my number goes up. Pathetic  maybe, but honestly. I choke and panic, and serious anxiety. And this morning it was up 1lbs... and I am so mad I broke a ritual or rule. After I step on the scale, however, and I see want I want to see, or if its better i.e lower, anxiety goes away. I have an amazing day usually. I honestly don't care what the number on the scale says, but I thrive on the consistence of my scale. Or at least temporarily. I can usually breathe a sigh of relief if every morning and evening it blinks the same number. My inner dialogue.. "see you are ok."

My sister is home from now til tuesday. She will be spending most her time with Tess, and her boyfriend. It's ok that she is her. Expect for, I have to remember to be pleasant and share my space. I kind of like knowing she is around for I cant be so obvious about my bulimia behaviors, i.e leave evidence. I have to more conscience about my choices. I fear he walking in on me. Or having something out that she might see. 

This is why I am writing. I am avoiding a purge, trying my best to vent/think things through/just talk it out instead of doing a "fuck you" or a "I hate myself so much" action. Because she walked into the apartment, my heart immediately starts racing, and I shake, and I'm a nervous wreck. I was in bed still when herself and her friend walked in. I hate being caught still in bed. Maybe I think that she will judge me? Am I lazy, should have been better, or something? It was noon. I just thought it was odd that I started fidgeting with my heads, going miles a hour pacing, and messing with stuff, organizing, and cleaning my room, right when she came in. Also, I had this really strong urge to throw up. It wasn't necessarily a binge craving. I think sometime my purge is an anxiety reaction. I just make it occur on command. I really felt sick to my stomach. It doesn't help either that both my sister and her friend are gorgeous, really thin, and tall. ED is extremely jealous, and really talking negatively about me comparing to them. And the last thing I want to do is eat. Here they are getting ready to go swimming at the lake with their friends and boyfriends, comparing their outfits and bikini's, getting all primped and dolled up. And I am really pissed that I have to go to work. Here they are getting ready, bound for an amazing time, and its not fair that I am sitting in my room struggling over am I going to eat or not eat, run or chill out before going to work. It's not fair. I understand that my not fair stuff right now is me saying it is not fair I have an eating disorder and they don't. I'm angry that I have to sit here and type, and fight the food and weight struggles, and they don't. They have it so easy in my mind.

Ok, they have finally left. I can breathe again. Update on my goals- I have been doing ok in the front half of my time frame to not purge. I think we agreed 3pm, but I have made it to 9:30pm one day and 7pm on another. I feel really good about this. My evenings are a really big struggle, but smalls steps. I am getting warmer...

Have a good rest of your day! Enjoy your 4th weekend!

todays adventure

its 75 degrees out, and I am an hour away from my front door, on July 2nd, in the snow! I love where I live. The road to my hike was closed at the top of Mt. Baker Hwy (right next to the ski resort). Though just a little walk with the dog and the sights, it was well worth it.

still rocking 109lbs

I am due for some new pictures. Maybe I will post and take some more as motivator after my shower in a bit. I have been successful on drinking a whole foods protein shake every day for the last week, and not not bingeing, bingeing and purging, or purging, or chew spit, before 2pm this week or after 2am. Have a time frame is mentally working. I have been taking my vitamins too.

again, my HR is still low, like 44. No one has s dianognised aid anything about my lab work, but EKG still says not good. This is known as  "bradycardia and can be dangerous, especially when blood pressure gets too low as well. Symptoms include weakness, loss of energy and fainting. " yay me.... This happened to me before, when I first was. Yet... no one has told me to do anything in sepcfics to this, like stop excerising, "you are going to have a heart attack" or you need to be in the hospital. I am wanting for the bp to drop.. that I know how to respond to , or if your weight is below X yo will need to be in hopsital or inpatient, i can respond to that. I want someone to tell me  abottom line weight honestly. 

ok, still 109! good deal, have been this all week. It needs to know be 107. I am excited to see how much I weigh on my moms scale tomorrow morning!

SO COURT update- 8 hours community service within 60 days, and I have a year to pay court fine and cost totally 443$. Deferred sentence, meaning, if I do the mentioned and don't get in trouble with the law for 1 year, this is dismissed and not on my record. 

intake for the day

109lbs - and so far no binge! or purge!

walked 3 miles, most of the time pushing a stroller, it was a pretty flat trail, I also went in the pool for a bit, but I would really count that as anything.

FOOD:

4c drip coffee

1/2c nonfat milk

banana

protein shake- 8oz almond milk unsweetened, 1/2tbs flax oil, tsp omega oil, azai berry puree, 2 scoops of whey protein with fiber (20g pro, and 10g fiber) with ice.

32oz water with lite emergency C

6oz firm tofu

1/4c wheat bran toasted

1 yellow squash

1 onion

8 small mushrooms

tsp garlic

curry, and other spices

diet coke

2 servings sugarfree jello

24oz iced coffee with splash of nonfat milk

atkins advantage bar (11g fiber, 12g pro, 8g fat= 160cals)

again... bulimia always wins out

114! what the f! its my own fault. I took laxs, and workouts out, hopefully that works. Did that stop me from binging and purging today? nope... made it even more tempting.

i have an appt tomorrow with dr. RS, and then down to moore center for eating disorders the next day, and then back to my town for another appt with the mental health person. 1 tomorrow, 2 on wed. whoop he

Tomorrows earnings 

I babysat today, babysit tomorrow= 80$

biolife tomorrow= 20$

extra shift, 5 hours as cargiver= 45$ (before taxes)

all goes to that stupid fine

i woke up this morning, 111lbs holding steady, wish it would just drop one stinking lb!

BUT in a much improved mood and outlook for the day. Who knows what work will bring me. Working as a caregiver can me physically and mentally exhausting, but add to the challenge an abundance of free food that usually gets thrown away. My bulimia screams "save the food" or "hey.... looky here.. take advantage of it!". So tonight, lets hope my will power to not bp at work will be stronger. I need to work, because I need money to pay that shoplifting fine.

So, I attempted to eat watermelon that I had been hoarding in my fridge saving, as a safe food and all, but nope, alas, it has fermented. .. boo. so sad

I have prepped safe meals for me to eat and snack on that are diet friendly and very low in calories. Its hard to be a vegan and diet, because hello JELL-O is god sent for us eating disordered folks. I eat jello religiously as a safe food, sugarfree and sometimes made with the fizzy water. I also cooked broccoli and dived it up into 60 cal portions in jars with pepper and salsa, and a splash of wheat germ

ok, biking to work

laters

i hate my life. I cant do anything right. I spend the little money I do have just to purge it up. This is sooo fucking stupid. i hate me.. I hate this, what I am doing myself

i had a nice time on the bike ride, and at the resturant. and i ate all the fries know I can purge it. and then the taco bell, adn the rest of the junk in my house.

and for what? seriously robin what are you trying to prove or it fix

I am doing alright so far, my scale back at my apartment read 111lbs. And I am ok with that for now. I went on a little run/jog/walk this afternoon. Left around 11:45am and got back a little after 1pm. I stopped by the scuba shop to visit with a friend and to pick up her dog to babysit for the day. This dog is the sweetest and I love Haley to death! I would keep her forever and ever and ever. 

Ok, so a downside to the boy is that he like his weed. But I can fix that... or at least put limits on him doing it around me. He's fun, and really really cute.  We are going to go bike to the lake later this afternoon and maybe go swimming. 

For the pacific northwest in the States, where i live, its  been 27 days since the last rain. AMAZING. Summer is officially here.

ok, so far intake of 150cals or less. And no bp! I have been tempted, and for sure fantasized about it. I eve have goodies in my house, and for some reason taco bell is cheap and on the brain. But the guy should be over soon and then I will be safe for a bit.

maybe I will finish my coffee and eat some watermelon

laters

im going to a major appt on wednesday. So from now till then, I have to do everything in my power to lose weight, and not to bp. Plan is to lose at least 3 lbs, and to just sleep and work out. Just do everything that I need too.

I can do this.. yes I can

awww.. I've met a boy, and he likes me! lol

I'm at my parents right now, weighed in at 109.5lbs and 110lbs

looks like just a fine. 245.22 dollars. 

edit after reading comment- But this IS incredibly shamful and  really really really scary. it is constantly going through my head, around and around and around playing it over and over. How am I suppose to move past this? How am I suppose to just... not sleep my day away? or keep bping becasue im a freakin screw up

updated about the stealing

its was candy, and a bike lock

bulimia is expensive... so I stole. It was under 45$

And I know stealing is wrong, but the impulse was their. And I forgot my credit card.

oh shit factor sits in hard

still 109lbs... however

I was caught shoplifting at Fredmeyers in Bellingham, WA (Whatcom county) and was told I was going to be prosecuted by the civilian dressed security officer that stopped me outside. He said I was going to receive something in the mail. I am really confused. Was he allowed to handcuff me as roughly as he did? I am a 23yr old female who doesn't even weigh 110lbs. Is there anything I should be doing besides taking pictures of the bruising and scrapes from the handcuffs? I was wailing because he grabbed me so tightly and swung me around hard. And this guy through my cell phone down when I tried to call someone to come sit with me. He kept telling me I wasn't allowed to call anyone. What's going to happen now? Is this a misdemeanor? Am I going to have to go to court? Is this going on my record? He never arrested me or read me miranda rights. Do I just pay the fine, what ever the amount in this letter supposedly will say? He took my licenses number and photo. Any help would really help me.

109lbs... whoot whoot, what what

sweet

80's night out last night was tons of fun. Dancing was a great workout, and I didnt spend a lot of money or drink tons. 

I am officially done with uni, and its summer! And its been averaging in the mid 80 degrees over the lat week and suppose to continue this way. swimming at the lake anyone?

my word... it feels amazing to be done! I went out with some of the girls from my department, and it went alright. I managed to eat nothing but mushrooms and coffee and water for the entire day. Then beer with the girls and reggae dancing.

to answer some questions:

no to lunges, i find them hard on my knees and down right boring, but I climb stairs and run hence the "nice ass" ( i laugh at this) and the legs toned

I am 5'6 tall

my safe foods are anything raw, I limit my sugar for fruits are on occasion, I eat vegetarian with lots of veggies and almost no fat. Coffee is my main food group.

new pics

I am so ready to rock this presentation. I slept well, and I havent binged and purged yet today. And I have eaten some, but all healthy stuff, under 300 calories. yay me

113lbs... its the last thing on my mind this afternoon.

ok, wish me luck

R

the big presentation is tomorrow. Before though, I have to teach for a few hours, and go to a meeting, and then show time. Its a huge auditorium full of people, and I am second up.. first one to present on writing, but 2nd up in general. My mom and dad will be there, oh and the ENTIRE faculty department and numerous classmates and undergrads. 

despite my nerves, I only bpd once today, and climbed stairs and moved around lot knowing I could squeeze a workout in. 

it feels good to be ending the school year. Next fall, full time student teaching!

time to shower, run through my powerpoint once again, and pick out my outfit.

Night girls

my head is spinning, and needs massive clearing. I am finding it hard however to break from the computer and my overwhelming tasks. So much to do before the quarter ends. I am glad I stayed up late last night (4am) working on academics, but still.. the quarter needs to shoot its self, and be over with. 

my apartment is clean at least

weight= freak a, thats all that needs to be said

its interesting how I can be so productive, but I need the Bp to get my shit done.

My bike is at the shop, getting all tuned up and ridable again, and purdy... I love this bike. Expensive after new tires and the tuning, but worth it. I can get myself around town and burn calories, and be outdoors. I am hoping that self limiting car access will help decrease spending, stealing, and ultimately help curb the bping. 

summer, here you go.. just need to get those abs and flabby arms, and in shape.. maybe I will hit the trail and go on a long run today. I need a massive calorie burn after yesterday and the evening. I keep praying my weight is up because my periods might be coming, but I cant remember when I am suppose to expect my period. 

water sounds really yummy right now. Ok, back to finishing my final senior powerpoint presentation. fuck... i just work better shoveling food in my mouth... why is this?

later hamsters

what on my mind

oh facebook. always asking that questions. And it is too much for me to even attempt answering it.

its need to be the june 5th.. like now

school will be done

summer will be official

and yes... my focus can be on recovery

Rihanna- you are the sweetest!

there's a time to laugh, time to cry, time to live...

therapy actually helped this morning. wow, what a shocker. ha. Usually after therapy sessions I feel crappier and end up bingeing and purging. But alas.. not so far. I have been tempted but have denied my self.

ive eaten less then 200 calories, but beer will add the rest for the evening. i walked outside a lot today. I am in an acutely good mood. AGain... shocker!

reggae night. here I come

it has been an amazing gorgeous day outside in my town. and with the long weekend ahead, everyone is bustling about and in bliss. I am drinking tonight and having a bonfire. I went running around the lake, two laps= 5.2 miles. Fun, but my butt is a little sore. oh and the school quarter is almost over. yay

only two weeks left then summer

I am at her house again tonight. This is really weird. I promised her I would eat something before bed. She is really concerned, and I am trying not to blow her off. But I have to lose more weight. 110 is too fat. She is like... eat a little every three hours and dont purge for the next three weeks, like that is soooo easy to do.  She is like a mom to me in a weird she is my teacher mentor kind of way. 

I agreed to come to her house tonight to keep me safe from binging and so that I can complete an assignment. I dont want those f@ing calories near me, and for tonight I am safe from that behavior. I will face that demon tomorrow. 

this is just really weird. I need to get the paper done. Off my chest and turned in. I have a really really really long and stressful weekend ahead of em

all i want to though is sleep and melt away and disappear and not feel

oh... and Nick texts me to hang out tonight. Of all nights! and I cant.... crummy

oh my word.. i jut got back to my apartment... I went home with my professor last night and slept at her house to keep safe. crazy how you think a conversation is going to be simple easy quick no brainer, and next thing you know you are at your professors house sleeping in her guest bed.

i do feel better though, starving... fighting the urge to do a major binge, and a little panicky because I didn't work out yesterday and I ate a little granola at her house, and i didnt weight myself first thing this am... 

shower, then teach, coffee, write my paper with hopefully a workout in there, and then await the phone call from my teacher.

update and whatnots

interview went alright this morning.. I was nervous getting on the scale this am, after a long night and not a lot of sleep and toooo much food munching if you know my drift, but ALas... still 110lbs. I held by breathe as I stepped onto my digit scale. I think it is a blessing it only shows whole numbers and not to the 1/2lb or point lb. 110 is ok for me right now. I just get so excited and my hopes up for it to be lower, and then panic major when it is anything higher. Luckily for me, over the last week it has been a solid no budge 110lbs... nice =)

I am at the university right now. Stalling to say the least. I have a lot to do, and at the same time not oo stress because I dont have a lot to due... at least due tomorrow. The next 3 weeks are going to be a rollar coaster but when June 3rd comes around, ahhhh the relief of being done with spring quarter. Being done with final block, and the knowledge that I will never EVER have to do this quarter again because I am student teaching next quarter and then come Christmas I will be 100% a full accredit teacher with a college degree and still looking hot and sexy, my 23year old self. wow... 23 seems old... we rid to say it out loud, I dont look anything like 23 =)

americanos with sugar free almond and a splash of nonfat milk is my new favorite drink

ok, onward I trek upstairs to do coursework (reading tonight I think, a little practicum prep), maybe a chat with a professor, then hopefully not a too rainy walk to the gym and home, shower and bed...... fingers crossed for no binge purge cycle tonight

still 110lbs

I totatlly rocked my observation today. I love teaching! ...and then the dounts. now its nap

rain rain go AWAY

.... I was suppose to go running outdoors today

instead, and I am only stating this for accountability reasons/purpose. i binged and purged at least three times day. The most recent event= one pizza, one side of cheesy bread, and one side of dessert sticks (but most was chew and spit) $20.00 down the drain. 

at least I got my lesson planning out of the way, and its only 2:21am! last night I was purging up until 3am... so much for normal sleeping. I think I banked too much sleep over the weekend and now I am back to my crazy ways.

Tomorrow shouldnt be as stressing as today. Goal= no calories at all! just water, and coffee and calorie free drinks. And I need a 30 minute workout cardio at gym.

still rocking the 110lbs! hallelujah. Sleep has been a blessing, and I honestly think I can contribute my weight loss recently, or at least the maintaining part, due to the amount of sleep I am getting. I AM ACTUALLY sleeping, during hours typical people sleep. It is wonderful. I slept in yesterday, and today as well. My school course work simmered down for the weekend, and it will revup again starting tomorrow so I am thankful that I did take advantage for the sun, friends, drinking, and sleeping over the past two days. And i am still 110lbs, so it is easier to forgive myself for the calories and/or lack of hard core workouts, and the bping.

I do work with the residents later today, I am hoping just the short shift. Calling right now and checking as I speak. I just want to have a good non bping day and it is really hard to do that at work. Food is jut freaking everywhere, and in abundance just screaming. shit... they need a full person, eh, what's the extra couple of hours of pay... but I kind of wanted to go and see Nick tonight.. giggles, yay for boys. Who knows though. He needs to call first, and he might not even be back on time tonight as he had originally planned. 

ok, wash my face, take the pills, run, come back home for coffee and cabbage salad maybe, do some homework, pack for work and take the bus out to work. I can be safe food-wise till work. And that will be an accomplishment in itself

oh yea... add- call mom and grandma. Happy mothers days!