contemplative

fyi, I am not doing well. Managing, but not well.

My day started out alright, nothing out of the ordinary. I am doing great at restricting but then I get so hungry towards the end of the day that I binge and purge, the cycle seems endless and I am getting bolder and bolder each time. My weight was 112.5lbs this morning. I am buying new batteries tomorrow, and then well see what my real weight is. I think I am going to weigh myself on the gym scale too. I dont know if I can trust just one. I need more data and evidence that I am getting skinner. If I remember too, i grab my swim suit and take new pictures. My collar bones and ribs are starting to show more, same with my hips bones. I just wish my butt and thighs would trim down!!!

I am spending money I dont have and this scares me. I dont have a job and I can donate plasma till another week. And what if that doesn't work out? Potentially I can make 240$ a month from that, if I get accepted and donate 2 times a week. That better work out. HA or better yet. STOP THE FUCKING BINGING ROBIN> You wouldnt be spending so much money. I think I need to concentrate on eating enough to curb the bingeing and purging. I know I keep saying this. Probably ever entry. I just need to do it.  If I just didnt have so much time on my hands... hence why i need a job! or some friends.

I talked to a teacher of mine today. And a little too much about my eating disorder came out. I am fine with being open about it. I just need to keep losing weight and not get noticed. At least my research paper is now on ED's. I know a lot about them and I love studying and researching it so I am excited to work on it this weekend. There is so much homework to do this week. I am glad its a long one. I am going to meet Laura for coffee tomorrow so at least I have one social thing to do. And no classes tomorrow, and no school monday. Whoa 4 day weekend. And sleeping in tomorrow is exciting. And I will make it to the gym. Haven't been in awhile since I have been preoccupied and fascinated with bingeing in my evenings.... why did I reveal so much? I cant believe I did that. Im all paranoid now that shell notice things. At the same time, i want to lose even more weight.  I cant wait to be under 110lbs again!!!!!!! 3 lbs away. I can do this I can.

I cant let it get out of hand. I cant start struggling in school. Ditching classes and coming to class late. Getting behind  in my studies. I need friends. And calorie and dieting can get in the way of friends. I dont want my life revolving around food, well too late. it does. All I think about is food. Seriously, i even dream about it. The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to jump on the scale. That is so freaking sad, but true. God, why cant my life just be normal. 

Does anyone know what its like to be starving, so hungry, yet am terrified of food. All I want is food, but I just cant do it. What an awful way to live. I will only succumb to most eatings just because I know I can purge it or burn it at the gym.  And I dont dare eat in front of people, it feels like a sin. What are they thinking of me? of what I am eating? Are they judging? Do they think I am fat? Skinny? A pig? I know its all in my head.. but still....

Oh and I have decided I cant see Cameron anymore. We are officially dating, but I dont think I can even be around him. We have been having sex, and I cant handle it. I was thinking about this all yesterday and today. My bingeing got out of control again when he and I hooked up. And it is something I need to stop now before it gets out of hand. Its an abusive relationship, has the signs of it anyway, and I cant get caught in the mess. When we have sex, he beats me. Seriously, I get bruises. He is rough. Hes controlling, and makes me do things I dont want to do. Its not fun. He is totally controlling in more then that way. Outside of the bedroom too. Its hard to put the words on it, and explain but its not good. I think at first I got sucked in because he is such a charmer, and I always think it will be different but its never different. And I liked the attention. I had someone to hang out with, someone was showing interest in me and telling me I was pretty. It felt nice to have someone to cuddle with. But I am a smart girl and I can see the signs. I need to follow through with what my gut and instincts are saying. And they have been screaming at me for a long time about this. But how do I end it? Just stop answering his calls. Obviously not call him myself. Do you know how hard this is going to be? He's the only one that show interest in hanging out with me? I don't have anyone else, other then my bulimia habits. And throwing myself into school work. And again, I think thats why the bulimia has got worst over the last week and a half. I am using it as a coping method. It numbs me, and occupies me. And keeps me busy, and keeps me hidden from what I am really feeling. I am feeling overwhelmed, jealous of my sister, sad, really lonely. and sad. very sad. and.. really lonely. And when I feel all that, thats when I pick apart my body...

why, my old therapists and treatment folk would be proud of me. SO I know all this. then why cant I stop my eating disorder. Why wont it go all away? why am I not happy, and go lucky and successful with my life? and I just doomed to suffer? To never marry, to always be lone. Why does nothing good ever happen to me?

I should be grateful what I do have. Really... I need to be grateful. And not feel so entitled. I am such  horrible person. I dont expect anyone to care. I journal to try and make sense of my world and to feel a little better. I need to stop making everything into a competition. 

I have weird goals in life.... I know I need inpatient treatment again. I know this, but I wont accept it. I will go again if I think it bad again, right now I am managing. And when I am done with school, or out for summer. Sure that time I can go and deal, but not right now. My health should be my priority but its not. I need to finish college and get my degree. So why are my goals weird? I want to be the best anorexic. I want to get my weight so low that I have to be forced to eat, forced to go into treatment. When I am that bad, then I know I am skinny and thin. I want to be the best anorexic and have to be tube fed. Seriously... sick.. right? But its true. Dont judge, I am being open and honest. 

I just dont get how other people and restrict, restrict, restrict and restrict and not binge/purge?

Im exhausted. Its late. Im going to bed. And not going to binge anymore tonight. I think I can actually be successful at that. 

Recap of food:

Br: 6c coffee, 1/4c v slender soy milk

Lunch: 2 celery stalks, 1c romaine shredded, 1 tbs fat free feta, 60cals of smoked salmon, mustard and washbi homemade 10cal dressing, 1/2 peeled cucumber, 2tbs chopped red onion, 1c sliced mushrooms

Snack: small gala apple, 20oz coffee with 2tbs ish nonfat milk

Snack: 40cal sugar-free jello, 20oz coffee with 2tbs ish nonfat milk

Dinner: binge purge, binge purge, and yet binge purge: who knows how many cals I fucking absorbed. I am pretty sure my parfait and bagel with cream cheese stayed down. I didnt purge in time. thats got to be like 1000 cals right there. fuck. thats depressing.

ok. really, now I am going to bed. And promising myself a killer workout at the gym tomorrow