Fearful to move foreword into the future
And I am impatient.
Morning started out alright. Did chores, my sister said thank you! She still hasnt invited me out, yet I havent asked if i can join her and her friends.
Tried to turn in a job app, got lost which frustrated me. Went to the mall. Bought jeans, I like them. Though I said I would but them after purge free weekend, well screw that. i need jeans that fit me, not my size four jeans that look ridiculous and make me look fat. So i bought smaller jeans and I am now a little happier. Size 26. I didn't fit into the size zero at AE, but the jeans weren't all that cute anyway. I shouldn't have throw out my small clothes. I through out a bunch when i got home in Nov from impatient. SO.... anyways, i got even more frustrated and unconsciencely walked into Old country Buffet. Seriously, I find myself in there. It was right across from the restroom, and my parking spot. and there I was. For a long time too. It was the best numbing experience, sad, too. I spent from like 3 there till 4:30, then shopped in target, bought and stole shit and, then went and picked up thai food and proceeded to binge and purge more at home. Stepped on the scale, 114. so I took laxatives. I know the reason I havent pooped in several days is from the Bping. It totally dehydrates me and I have been drinking water like I normally do b/c I want the scale number to be low.
Ill get my homework done this weekend. But I am afraid the whole weekend at the same time is going to be consumed by spending money and stealing and bingeing and purging. All because I am lonely, and starving. I didn't play my cards right today. I am am facing the consequence. At least I can return one thing at target and get some money back...
stupid ED. I skipped my coffee date for it. lame Robin. lame...
BUT... i will be grateful for what I do have. I am breathing, I have heat, water, and a roof over my head. I am not dead, I have lungs, a beating heart, arms and legs. I have a lap top, and parents alive who do help me with what they can. I am grateful that I can read and write, and have a drivers license. And I am grateful that I have this opportunity to get and finish my college education. I am grateful that I am only 22. I still have decades ahead of me to figure my shit out.... on that note, im hitting the bed sheets and catching some refreshing ZZZZ's
tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes on it, a clean slate to take advantage of. A new day.