Thursday, December 11, 2008

High hopes, and Patience

Its been a long day.

Up since 4:10am, out the house at 4:30am. On the water at 5:15. I love the life of a coxswain. Especially in Seattle. Beautiful lake. Coxing grants me peace of mind, confidence, and laughter on good days. Most days are good. I go to practices and walk away, happy, feeling content with myself as a whole, not just with how practice rowed out. But today... I left in a funk. No one likes to make mistakes, but its the ones who own the mistakes and learns, that is the person that walks away better. I know everyone makes them... but why me. Why cant I be perfect? Why cant I escape embarrassment, and poor judgement?

Coxing and why I love it will be another entry. Today I want to talk about the eating, the not eating, the bingeing, the purging, the fixation on losing weight. 

Just as above, I have good days and bads on the water, same applies to the eating disorder in my head. I did have a "awha" moment in the shower after bingeing on a couple donuts and fruit chews from fredmeyer with a coffee in tow. I am scared. I am scared of not having the eating disorder to blame for all the bad, wrong, hurtful, painful things in my life... in the past and for the future. I am down right scared. For instance... I was doing well...

Well, yes, well. Ok weight, hadnt BPd in months. It was not until the saturday before thanksgiving did I have a purge since I enter the Iowa Hospital in Iowa City. I left on oct 31st, halloween. And since that discharge date, I have eaten regularly and not purged. Almost made it a month. Sometimes I wish I had stayed longer in the partial program at Iowa, preventing form purging. But I look back and say to myself they would have fatten you up more. I left Iowa at 130lbs. Currently I weigh 122lbs. If I had stayed there, I might have gone over 130lbs or at least stayed there. To my eating disorder, staying in Iowa was dangerous and I needed to get out. So I did. First chance I got. All with the intent on never purging, but sure as hell had the intent of losing weight.

So why purging? why again, after doing so well in the hosptial and out of the hospital? Because I am flipping scared out of my blonde 5'6 and 1/2inches  mind. The what if's haunt me. Constantly. Pestering me. What if I am lonely at school? No one finds me attractive or wants to date me? I might get hurt. With the eating disorder I am protected. It befriends me, I use it to not feel lonely and find myself inchangable to fix the problem. I think thats how the eating disorder began. The dieting at least. 

I was conscience of my weight in high school. Starting skipping meals and deemed certain foods healthy and unhealthy. My judgments on myself were huge! Having sex at 16 didn't help the cause, nor did my judgments of my body, or my fear and jealousy of my lack of friendships it appeared everyone else had. I was really lonely. I would do anything to have friends. But I never got friends, only boyfriends who wanted to fuck and I would tell lies to the girls (this was in middle school really just that my lieing in middle school stuck with me and was constantly brought up in high school much to my distaste.)

Ive lost my train of thought.....

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