Saturday, December 27, 2008

another B/P fuck up and drama

the drive to my apartment at college turned out to be way more triggering and stress inducing then I expected. 

I think I over did it today and thats why I had a major bingeing and purging session. But I did not do it in the apartment, or in my parents house. Those places are off limits from now on. So the binge was expensive, but I need to wean myself. Its for starts. Next is making the car off limits. I will now, not eat in my car on a binge.

Binge/Purge free zones: Bellingham, my parents house, and inside any car I drive. This will be hard, extremely hard... but I need to get my shit together. For real. If I dont, returning to college is going to be a waste of my time. 

Im going to have to go to the Y tomorrow, and work off at least 1000 calories and restrict major tomorrow to make up for the damage on the diet I did today. I dont think I was able to purge it all up.  PLease please please let the scale be descent tomorrow morning. Today at am I was 119.1 and just now I weighed 118.6. But I am probably dehydrated from all the purging I did and I didnt drink my normal 64oz of water, well I did but it all was in effort to purge.

Fuck purging. Dont ever start it. Dont. PLease dont. IF you ever had, then maybe you can relate with me on how hard it is to stop it. I hate that ive turned bulimic. once its started is so fucking hard to stop. Just dont even go there. The only times I have managed to go more than a week with out purging was when I was inpatient. And I cant go back to inpatient. I just cant. Or it better be because I am fucking too skinny to be anywhere else. Not b/c I cant control the bingeing and the purging.

But at the same time, inpatient seems comforting. College or staying at my parents scary and terrifying.  I am so scared to go back to school. Maybe b/c I am afraid of growing up, or failing.  I just want to get my degree. Get it and be done with college. Have something to me name. I just need to complete my degree. And then Ill feel better. 

And I just want to be skinny. Back to when the scale says 106 lbs. I know I will lose weight at scale. I am hoping that in the 1st week of classes I can lose 3 lbs in that week alone. From all the walking and stairs, more activity you know. I just want to so badly wake up tomorrow and have the scale say it, say that I have lost the weight. I am not stopping till I get to under a 100lbs. I promise you that. And no one is going to make me fat again. 

I will not bp tomorrow. If I do I am just going to stay fat and keep getting fatter. And I know its hard the first couple days. I just have to stick to it. 3pm is when it gets the hardest. Just do it Robin. Just do it. Dont purge and just fix your fucking life already


  1. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. To reiterate what you said: PURGING IS THE DEVIL. It's so addictive. Do you have room-mates at college? That might help b/c there's more risk of getting caught.

  2. I will be living with my younger sister at college. She is 13 months younger than me, basically my twin. There are pluses and minus for living with her....