Sunday, December 14, 2008

dragging on, though whats the point

I am feeling.... humm what am I feeling. Hopeless? WHy bother? What is the point feeling? Am I lonely. Well yes. Am I feeling pathetic. Yes. I am feeling like crap. Crappo crappy crap.

I hate what I resort to. I am referring to the purging. Cant it be Jan 3rd already. Time needs to move faster. I want out of my house so I can do my thing. Be left alone.

For your information:
Last October in 2007 I withdrew from school on medical leave due to the severity of my eating disorder and I have not returned to school since. However, come this Jan 3rd I return! Back to an apartment and 1.5 hr away from my parents. Back to my independence. My freedom. I will however be living with my younger sister (only 13 months younger). Not sure how that will play out, but I will remain optimistic. 

After leaving school I started an intensive outpatient program. Wasnt really working so in March I went inpatient, was there for 85 Days and returned home. Quickly lost weight once again, back down to 104 lbs, and pressure was on me to return to another impatient facility. I was bingeing and purging again, and it was pretty bad. I ended up self overdosing, coma for 3 days, and in ICU for another. Then shipped back to inpatient, this time in Iowa. I had my 22nd birthday in ICU. I returned home to WA Nov 1st and here I am now nearing the end of december. 

When I left inpatient in Iowa I weighed 130lbs. Today I weigh 122lbs. And before I go back to school I wish to weigh 119lbs. I have my work cut out for me.

Have I mentioned how broke I am? Broke broke broke! Bingeing in the past, spending all that money is still haunting me. And then hotel bill while I did partial in Iowa drained my bank account. My parents, bless their hearts, are assisting me. But I still only have 100$ to my name. And no job. 

this sucks
life fucking sucks!!!!!
what will tomorrow bring me.....

No comments:

Post a Comment