new year pics

still no purge all year

Happy New Year 2010

And here are the some of the photos: I am the blonde in pink

New year equals fresh start. So far I am doing great. Went out with a double bang and them some last night, drinking and dancing with ole girl pals in my college town. Had a little fling on the side with some lovely cuddle time (happens to be my best friends male roommate..haha). It was a blast last night. I rocked a dress, guys bought me drinks and danced the new year away with me. The later equals males do in fact find me attractive and pleasant and sexy and cute. I need validation nights like last night every so often. Pictures will be posted later. Several of my group that went out for new years said that since I've put on a few pounds I look really good. And I trust their word. But when I got on the scale this am at Katie's house, it read 116lbs! Seriously, so I am not sure if I have in fact lost weight or its just her scale. I will of course check it in the am at my parents place (where I am living btw).

New start equals fresh start. Food wise and eating disorder wise, fresh start is implied. I haven't purged today! And I have eaten little meals through out the day. Day one= success!

New Year Resolutions/Goals

Thou shall not steal

Thou shall not purge via self induced vomiting

Thou shall run a marathon

Thou shall eat more locally grown food

Thou shall limit meat from diet

Thou shall pay back my parents one fourth of sum of loaned money

Thou shall graduate from University

Thou shall weigh 94lbs

120.5lbs this am

But I went snow shoeing with my dad this afternoon and it was a glorious day. I miss my CA weather... I did a small purge on friday afternoon (ate a bunch of halloween candy and felt the need to get rid of it). Other than that incident, I am having a blast at home living with my parents, and the holidays went smooth sailing. I am getting geared up for student teaching that starts in about a week and a half, after the new year on the 6th. I'm nervous about student teaching but excited to0. I'm eating alright, just want to get back into shape and feel good about my body. I am a bridesmaid in my older sisters wedding on the 20th of March 2010. I am trying to look trim, not sickly skinny like before, just firm and toned and flexible and have some muscles and weigh around 110-112lbs.

if it wasn't for my journaling and my blogging, I wouldn't know what to do. It's whats keeping me sane these days. I don't have therapy set up yet and I don't ever get a chance to process. So to bed I go.

happy christmas!

still no binge or purge, most importantly no purge. My last was on sunday December 20th. I regret though eating as much as I have been. Good thing I am not weighing myself other wise I think I would turn a trick and purge. Hooray for me

119.5, and dad made me pancakes and turkey sausage this am. My folks are constantly hounding on me to eat. "You should have a snack. Isn't it time for you to eat something. You need more proteins. IS that all you are going to eat.?" And believe me, I am not restricting by any means, I am sticking to a meal plan and doing my best. My last purge was on sunday. I am calorie conscience, but its not obsessive. ok, just needed to vent

122lbs on moms scale, ate a ton today, but I am finally back at my parents, home for good! I havent been here since late september. shit, I hate weighing this much. 10lbs to lose to be myself. 112 is ok, right?

Im not doing so hot. And I feel like it is tattooed to my forehead, and everyone sees it, and is whispering behind my back, and talking under their breathe. As if they are looking down on me, scolding me almost. I've had some lapses if not a full blown relapse. Purging again. A binge or two, the binges have been kept to 2-3 in a week and 1/2, but I have resorted to purging. I guess on the good note, I have times in the same time frame where I was able to talk myself out of a binge and or out of a purge. Think Think Think is an AA slogan, but heck it words for those who suffer like me with an eating disorder. For instance, after purging twice and standing at the toliet bowl to purge once again (just consumed ice cream cake and like 20 sour patch kids candy (not the whole bag!) and it dawned on me. I dont have to purge. I dont have to keep this cycle. I dont want this. And I walked away. Grant it I am tossing and turning, find trouble with sleeping tonight, but its worth it. Ill get threw it.

hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. I did well considering everything and had an absolute blast. Here is a pic from the weekend in Baltimore. I went there for the big day at my aunts house. Im the gal with the baby on the left. I love that child to death, Ella, my second cousin.

prep for my trip

I get to go to the east coast tomorrow. I'm flying out at noon. My cousin is picking me up, and taking me to dinner. Thursday morning I will go with her and her hubbie to the big thanksgiving fiasco! No one from my immediate family is going, just me, and I am totally stoked.

found out today that I am in my weight range

sweetness!- but after finding that out, I didnt eat a snack, and I restricted on dinner, and I have this intense urge to purge, and binge. self sabotage? ED telling me good, lie and lose weight. Lose weight lose weight lose weight! My body image is really negative and I am awfully critical of my thighs and my stomach. I bought clothes so when on my trip I can hide my stomach. Yuck, I hate how untoned and unfit I am.

I had breakfast and lunch in program

for dinner

slice of pumpkin bread

diet pepsi

1c cooked broccoli/ cauliflower

1-1 1/2c cooked white bean something with a little bit of bacon and who knows

3 bites of apple

1c mashed potatoes with butter?

and of course a big glass of water

keeping strong

So far, great! Still no purge and I have been following my meal plan to the T. Program went smooth today and so did m conversation with my dad. He can be really critical at times. However today, I was myself on the phone with him, as well as fully honest. Still no word from the team is I can travel for thanksgiving or not. I am trying, well I have to be, but really am trying to be patient and calm. Because regardless of their decision, my recovery and well being come first. I am staying strong in my recovery because of me, in other words, I have my own internal motivation. I am also noticing that I am not picking, and scrutinizing my body as much. That has significantly decreased. I think that is partly do to my better nutrition and weight restoration. Also to me actually feeling proud of myself for my changes surrounding food. OK, I am off to purchase Twlight :New Moon tickets. A couple of my housemates and I are going to go tonight, that is if not sold out.

I am out of the hospital! I was discharged from UCLA yesterday. I have moved back into my sober living house in La Jolla and attend a day treatment program monday thru friday. It feels really good to be out of inpatient. I have a better head on my shoulders and a more confidence about myself. So far so good. Last purge was on Oct. 29th, last binge sept 29th, and I have restored around 8lbs. Seriously I feel great. I just have to convince my new program that I can be trusted to follow my meal plan and show them how well I am doing. I was invited to my aunts for thanksgiving (a week from today is when I leave on the trip). In order for me to go, I want my new treatment team to approve of my going. So, the task at hand is to stay on track, and keep moving forward in my recovery. Wish me luck

In response to a requst from an aunt to come live/visit after treatment and or during treatment:

I am more then ever ready to come, finances wise not. I have been living on my parents income this whole treatment "chaos blessing" since July. If I was able to fly out I could do so the day before Thanksgiving and fly back either Sunday or Saturday afternoon. I leave impatient on the 13th, back to partial in San Diego (where I was before), and then home for the holidays and begin school in January. I would love to come out there for Thanksgiving, just need to find some funding to do so.


And for a little update:I am doing really well. I am in my weight range and going on passes and exposure outings. I have an understand of how many calories I need to function, and a better belief system over eating on a meal plan, and have gained a batter grasp on how much I don’t need the eating disorder in my life anymore. All good things. The staff are respectful and knowledgeable, and I am enjoying my privileges and recreational therapy (I am allowed to run 30mins twice a week). My favorite part is arts and crafts when I sculpt things from clay.

109.8 lbs

this I am okay with, however I purged last night. Not okay. I told right away which is great, but then when faced with drinking the ensures as a replacement I froze and said no. Now I dont RT privleges for the day.

yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. I got myself on a 1:1. through purging and chew and oiting my food and being oncompliant aboutmy pacing. It shook me up and I am talkng to people about my struggles reather do what i have over the lsat 6 days playing my cards and white knuckling it all. I snappped yesterday. Day 20 being inpatient at UCLA...

update

I wasn't in the mood the last couple of nights to journal, but tonight I have some spare energy. I made RT weight meaning I weight 109.2lbs I has to deal with my anxiety on that but now I was RT, which is recreational therapy. I can lift weights in the morning and at 9am I can walk or jog, or running after all of that is approved. Getting RT was one of my short term goals so yippe I did it. I was told my target weight range for my height I need to be 116-121Lbs. So then my disease mind says whattTTTTTTT that so high, but wisemind 115 isnt that bad. It might even look good on me. I had another patient say to me that I still looked really thin, which my ED voiced loved. Have I told you the last few days I have been eating one on one in my bedroom. Because something like my crying or hiding food would or has been upsetting the table or triggering. Well today was my first lunch back with the girls and guy and I think it went well. Definitely more entertaining then eating alone with a staff member.

I purged my lunch today. I told the staff and she did her job, made me sit down with two cups of ensure at "replace" me. How did I purge in an inpatient hospital? Well normal my door is lock, same with the bathroom door and today a I went to my room hoping it would be the case. Long and behold it was, and the next think I knew I purged and purged again.

I think I am getting over a bug. Some of the gals here are sick. I just have been sleeping a lot lately. And get this... it is now in my doctors orders no sleeping past too. Whops, failed that one. I slept during the community meeting just like I did last night and the move.

sigh oh a big sigh indeed. Today breakfast went alright. I got to stretch and lift weights before hand. And napped for a bit after breakfast which I woke from real rested. To come to lunch... dieaster. I spit some of my salmon into my cup and ti was found out. I drank the replacement but then purged. So then I had to drink more supplement which I only drank half. It had been one hell of a day, a long day. I isolated because I was embarrassed. Took a second nap. So then and 3:30pm snack and dinner runs around and I have to eat by myself with a staff in my room!

oh geez what a day

108.8lbs

another weigh in day, much anticapatory anxeity

another weigh in day, much anticipatory anxiety

I am consciencely aware in every moment that I am going to be weighed tomorrow morning. Its driving me nuts, its a just a weight i try to tell myself. But i still don't believe it. Half of my self, my wise self wants the number to go up, a lot but a little like a 1lb to a few ounces. That wouldn't be so heart wrenching, unlike the other side of me, my sick disorder half, wants to have my weight maintain or better yet lose weight. I have made a pro and con list in my head about the situation but here are some of my thoughts.

The side of me that wants and or understands the consequences will be if the scale number to be same or higher

• I am here to get better that means I need to gain back or restore an appropriate moment of weight
• I would be closer to my weight range
• Most likely to calorie increase
• If I am 109 and above I have recreational therapy privileges.
• More weight me closer to partial, then closer to home
• I don't want to spend the Holiday's in a hospital
• I am my period back so that I can have babies
• I am afraid of weighing more
• I criticize certain parts of my body even more after weigh days
• Its hard me to face the mirror

The side of me that wants and or understands what the consequences will be if the scale number to be lower

• less weight or maintenance means no "rt" privileges
• in inpatient longer
• calories will increase
• temporarily I will feel good about my body and life, but only temporary.
• If my weight goes down, it will be harder for me to eat because the ED thoughts will be super driven saying "stay thin Robin, you cant eat that"
• I would have more ED distortions and voices overall. They seem to come out even stronger around a weight success. The voices declare new and harsh rules I have to ply buy in order to stay and keep losing weight.
• Also, I tend too beat up and criticism by body more so
• my high is only temporarily
• I temporarily love the mirror and then "snap" its not my ally any more

Thats all I can think of for now. But I will wake tomorrow morning, and before I even approach the scale I am going to idetnify and determine how I am feeling. Also I going to stop stressing this weigh in and ruin the rest of my day. Its only 5pm. I have the hole night ahead of me.

a little note, with some insights

UCLA is wonderful . Surprising me constantly. We get outside at least once a day for 45 mins. The sun is still shining here but the temp is dropping. Nothing compared to the Autumn chills in WA, but jacket long pants worthy.. I really am trying this time. I think actually for the first time, me trying wise. I really want recovery. I just have so much coming up in January as motivators to get better. just to have a life again is motivating. But I so struggle sometimes hour to hour to day to day. I am just taking it slow. Yet the staff is challenging and helping me reach my potential. Breakfast was a struggle. I can still feel it in my belly and in the top of my throat. I was taken over by ed for a brief moment in my meal and I spit some food into my cup to avoid the feeling in my throat and my fear of swallowing it. here is some of my insight about why that happen.

A. I didnt get a lot of sleep do to a nightmare that kept attacking at me through out the night. It was about the incident I had with a pseudo boyfriend I was interacting with at the time. He forced me to give him oral sex and swallow. He liked to do things rough when it came to anything sexual. I dont. I mean he would pull my hair and face down on him and would not even like me come up for air. It was awful, and it was something that happened a lot.

B. Today at breakfast I was eating scrambled eggs and for some reason I had a hard time swallowing. The nightmare was still resonating in me. It felt like it was the incident all over again. Being timed when eating, that time pressure. I just wanted the meal to end. I could swallow anymore, so I spit into my cup most of my scrambled egg. The staff didnt notice. But I will process everything and confess later to day. Oddly I am proud that I was able to look deeper and identify when was going on, what I was thinking. Because it was not about the food. It had nothing to do with the food.

C. But in those moments sitting at the breakfast table, I made it about the food, about the portions and my lack of trust in the team when it comes to calories and portions. In that moment when I choose to obey my eating disorder I was distracting from how I was feeling about my nightmare, and my hatred toward that boy, and all the shame that I have about not stopping the boy and not fighting back. In a way, my spitting out food and restricting was really me trying to control the past and get back at him, but really I only hurt myself.

Thats the insight I had this morning. My friend Emily on the phone was really helping. I definitely use talking with others as a healthy coping skill compared to the alternatives like pacing or exercising or purging to numb out my feelings. I am still emotional feeling my nightmare, and I want it to stop and go away. When I pace those emotions go away. I hate remembering. When I remember, I feel disgusting, dirty, inadequate, and all "the should's".

Hope this helps anyone, but it helped me just to write about it.