my head is spinning, and needs massive clearing. I am finding it hard however to break from the computer and my overwhelming tasks. So much to do before the quarter ends. I am glad I stayed up late last night (4am) working on academics, but still.. the quarter needs to shoot its self, and be over with. 

my apartment is clean at least

weight= freak a, thats all that needs to be said

its interesting how I can be so productive, but I need the Bp to get my shit done.

My bike is at the shop, getting all tuned up and ridable again, and purdy... I love this bike. Expensive after new tires and the tuning, but worth it. I can get myself around town and burn calories, and be outdoors. I am hoping that self limiting car access will help decrease spending, stealing, and ultimately help curb the bping. 

summer, here you go.. just need to get those abs and flabby arms, and in shape.. maybe I will hit the trail and go on a long run today. I need a massive calorie burn after yesterday and the evening. I keep praying my weight is up because my periods might be coming, but I cant remember when I am suppose to expect my period. 

water sounds really yummy right now. Ok, back to finishing my final senior powerpoint presentation. fuck... i just work better shoveling food in my mouth... why is this?

later hamsters

what on my mind

oh facebook. always asking that questions. And it is too much for me to even attempt answering it.

its need to be the june 5th.. like now

school will be done

summer will be official

and yes... my focus can be on recovery

Rihanna- you are the sweetest!

there's a time to laugh, time to cry, time to live...

therapy actually helped this morning. wow, what a shocker. ha. Usually after therapy sessions I feel crappier and end up bingeing and purging. But alas.. not so far. I have been tempted but have denied my self.

ive eaten less then 200 calories, but beer will add the rest for the evening. i walked outside a lot today. I am in an acutely good mood. AGain... shocker!

reggae night. here I come

it has been an amazing gorgeous day outside in my town. and with the long weekend ahead, everyone is bustling about and in bliss. I am drinking tonight and having a bonfire. I went running around the lake, two laps= 5.2 miles. Fun, but my butt is a little sore. oh and the school quarter is almost over. yay

only two weeks left then summer

I am at her house again tonight. This is really weird. I promised her I would eat something before bed. She is really concerned, and I am trying not to blow her off. But I have to lose more weight. 110 is too fat. She is like... eat a little every three hours and dont purge for the next three weeks, like that is soooo easy to do.  She is like a mom to me in a weird she is my teacher mentor kind of way. 

I agreed to come to her house tonight to keep me safe from binging and so that I can complete an assignment. I dont want those f@ing calories near me, and for tonight I am safe from that behavior. I will face that demon tomorrow. 

this is just really weird. I need to get the paper done. Off my chest and turned in. I have a really really really long and stressful weekend ahead of em

all i want to though is sleep and melt away and disappear and not feel

oh... and Nick texts me to hang out tonight. Of all nights! and I cant.... crummy

oh my word.. i jut got back to my apartment... I went home with my professor last night and slept at her house to keep safe. crazy how you think a conversation is going to be simple easy quick no brainer, and next thing you know you are at your professors house sleeping in her guest bed.

i do feel better though, starving... fighting the urge to do a major binge, and a little panicky because I didn't work out yesterday and I ate a little granola at her house, and i didnt weight myself first thing this am... 

shower, then teach, coffee, write my paper with hopefully a workout in there, and then await the phone call from my teacher.

update and whatnots

interview went alright this morning.. I was nervous getting on the scale this am, after a long night and not a lot of sleep and toooo much food munching if you know my drift, but ALas... still 110lbs. I held by breathe as I stepped onto my digit scale. I think it is a blessing it only shows whole numbers and not to the 1/2lb or point lb. 110 is ok for me right now. I just get so excited and my hopes up for it to be lower, and then panic major when it is anything higher. Luckily for me, over the last week it has been a solid no budge 110lbs... nice =)

I am at the university right now. Stalling to say the least. I have a lot to do, and at the same time not oo stress because I dont have a lot to due... at least due tomorrow. The next 3 weeks are going to be a rollar coaster but when June 3rd comes around, ahhhh the relief of being done with spring quarter. Being done with final block, and the knowledge that I will never EVER have to do this quarter again because I am student teaching next quarter and then come Christmas I will be 100% a full accredit teacher with a college degree and still looking hot and sexy, my 23year old self. wow... 23 seems old... we rid to say it out loud, I dont look anything like 23 =)

americanos with sugar free almond and a splash of nonfat milk is my new favorite drink

ok, onward I trek upstairs to do coursework (reading tonight I think, a little practicum prep), maybe a chat with a professor, then hopefully not a too rainy walk to the gym and home, shower and bed...... fingers crossed for no binge purge cycle tonight

still 110lbs

I totatlly rocked my observation today. I love teaching! ...and then the dounts. now its nap

rain rain go AWAY

.... I was suppose to go running outdoors today

instead, and I am only stating this for accountability reasons/purpose. i binged and purged at least three times day. The most recent event= one pizza, one side of cheesy bread, and one side of dessert sticks (but most was chew and spit) $20.00 down the drain. 

at least I got my lesson planning out of the way, and its only 2:21am! last night I was purging up until 3am... so much for normal sleeping. I think I banked too much sleep over the weekend and now I am back to my crazy ways.

Tomorrow shouldnt be as stressing as today. Goal= no calories at all! just water, and coffee and calorie free drinks. And I need a 30 minute workout cardio at gym.

still rocking the 110lbs! hallelujah. Sleep has been a blessing, and I honestly think I can contribute my weight loss recently, or at least the maintaining part, due to the amount of sleep I am getting. I AM ACTUALLY sleeping, during hours typical people sleep. It is wonderful. I slept in yesterday, and today as well. My school course work simmered down for the weekend, and it will revup again starting tomorrow so I am thankful that I did take advantage for the sun, friends, drinking, and sleeping over the past two days. And i am still 110lbs, so it is easier to forgive myself for the calories and/or lack of hard core workouts, and the bping.

I do work with the residents later today, I am hoping just the short shift. Calling right now and checking as I speak. I just want to have a good non bping day and it is really hard to do that at work. Food is jut freaking everywhere, and in abundance just screaming. shit... they need a full person, eh, what's the extra couple of hours of pay... but I kind of wanted to go and see Nick tonight.. giggles, yay for boys. Who knows though. He needs to call first, and he might not even be back on time tonight as he had originally planned. 

ok, wash my face, take the pills, run, come back home for coffee and cabbage salad maybe, do some homework, pack for work and take the bus out to work. I can be safe food-wise till work. And that will be an accomplishment in itself

oh yea... add- call mom and grandma. Happy mothers days!

110lbs again! sweet!

a much improved day so far

im about to go weigh myself. yesterday i didnt eat a single thing. water coffee, thats it! lets see if the scale differs any in just the slightest. Time for more coffee!

enter jeopardy sound track..... and my weight is...sweet 110lbs

I went to bed at 11 last night, took a sick day at practicum teaching to rest and focus on academic product completion aka task of getting caught up on homework. I am going to back up and leave my house before I go on a mange binge and ruin yesterdays restricting. My only major goal today is to work out for at least a half hour, and to finish making my bed.

shhhh its windy and rainy outside!

super stresses

super tired

super hungry

super.. stressed

 

I have a major case of supers and castrophizing, with a heaping of depression

My coffee date went well. I could bring myself to weigh in this morning, I just want to have a good day. My professor whom I have coffee with paid me a comment that I looked really good today, that I look rested, but I think its because I didn't have how much I weighed on my mind. So kudos for me for not stepping on that scale. Sleep also does play a favor in how rested I look, and thank goodness my sister roommate came home because I could spend all wee hours bingeing and purging, and I did sleep! I love sleep. 

Sleep is wonderful. And I left my apartment at ten am and am down on Woods studying, after walking through the Farmers Market (wonderful thing my town has every summer, its just amazing, the produce, the stuff, the smells, just wonderful and its all local families and businesses). LIke I said, my coffee chat with the professor was good, light hearted and causal, not the serious ones she and I have exchanged. My sister wants the car at Noon. 

My goal is to make it to 7pm today with out eating. BEcause eating for me turns into bingeing and purging, so maybe my goal should be refrain from bping until 7pm. Why 7pm? I am just trying to control and contain it. At that time at work 7pm should be keeping me busy. If I am struggling I can take a break ad walk around outside or call a couple friends.  Its really tempting right now to go and bp.... am I procrastinating? hungry? anxious? humm... thirsty? habit? 

ps to the questions about laxatives: people can get addicted to them because they work fast in terms of altering a number on the scale. Its a "quick fix" but you are right in the beleif that they arent really doig anything other then removing already coloricaly waste. Taking laxatives does not help losing weight, however, having a good gi tract and digestive system, healthy colon that equals good body and potentially weight loss. try probiotics! 

stay safe,

R

i freaking hate having a period. I cry the day before or a couple of days prior and at the time I cant figure out why Im so irritable, breakout zits! hate them, and worse my weight jumps up. freakkkkka.... 115lbs! what the hell is that. I am freaked this morning, but tonight I got what I think is the beginning of a period which is good meaning Im not pregnant and good in that could explain the weight jump. I did have a couple bad days of blow out binge and purge and I don't really want to face the damage it did to my weight loss accomplishments. 

I did manage to run this afternoon for 3 miles in the sun on the track, and walked on the tread while reading articles so my total work out time around 50mins. I didn't eat anything from 3am- 4pm, almost 13. 3am was when I went to bed, woke at 7:30am and stayed on campus till work, and work was where the damage happened.

I walked in to pizza boxes and an entire plate of fresh strawberry crumb coffee cake... seriously, try not to binge on that, and my whole work is an abundance of food bound for the garbage. Not the best place to be when you are trying to quit purging and try to embrace fasting.

Maybe tomorrow will be better... goal... no food till 7pm, only water and coke zero, and coffee, and splashes of almond milk.