-I have pretty much spent most if my time today stealing and bingeing and studying and numbing and purging
- overslept some, not really, like I wasn't late for anything but I told myself I would get up and run and get a lot done before my 11:30am appt, you know burn calories burn. But no, my slept in till 11 and failed to meet my expectations of myself once again. and then I get pissed at myself.
- I once again just make things a lot harder for myself then they need to be.
- I just hate it when I dont do what I say I am going to do
I had to drag myself to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get in the car and drive to therapy.
BUT.... my new person, therapist person, gave me a hug! It was the coolest thing. I am sold! I had a good chat with her. I really like how we talk about the eating disorder, but not really. The thing is... therapy gets me thinking, makes my head spin, and can bring things up I haven't wanted to think about in a long long time, or things just surfaces. So when I leave.... what do I do, I want to go and numb out. I go and do the thing I am not suppose to be using to cope, I use my eating disorder. I am glad I went..... but..
ok enough with the buts... i need to just be positive and not such a downer. I did accomplish things today. And today was what it was. I can change it, so move on and stop fixating on it.
I played hooky from work. That helped lower my anxiety and stress.
I am anxious and stressed because in an hour or so I am driving to Seattle to attend a conference. I know some of the presenters, and I have had class with one of the gals I am driving with, and the other is really nice. Just.. this is so risky, and not like me. Risky in that I have never been this spontaneous or daring as to get into a car a and drive and skip school, attend this unknown event really, I feel like I have no idea what I am getting into. And eat with other people, be in a hotel with people!
I am more concerned about the eating part.... freaking really. Because I want to bank on the opportunity to not bp and restrict hella.
Also, the teacher that knows about me and the eating and whom I have been conversing with and talking to, SHE WILL BE THERE!
ok, I am off to shower and do my hair, and finishing packing for the little trip
wish me the best