Thursday, April 2, 2009

-REC center finally put up a schedule for the spring fit classes
-I have pretty much spent most if my time today stealing and bingeing and studying and numbing and purging
- overslept some, not really, like I wasn't late for anything but I told myself I would get up and run and get a lot done before my 11:30am appt, you know burn calories burn. But no, my slept in till 11 and failed to meet my expectations of myself once again. and then I get pissed at myself.
- I once again just make things a lot harder for myself then they need to be. 
- I just hate it when I dont do what I say I am going to do

I  had to drag myself to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get in the car and drive to therapy.
BUT.... my new person, therapist person, gave me a hug! It was the coolest thing. I am sold! I had a good chat with her. I really like how we talk about the eating disorder, but not really. The thing is... therapy gets me thinking, makes my head spin, and can bring things up I haven't wanted to think about in a long long time, or things just surfaces. So when I leave.... what do I do, I want to go and numb out.  I go and do the thing I am not suppose to be using to cope, I use my eating disorder. I am glad I went..... but.. 

ok enough with the buts... i need to just be positive and not such a downer. I did accomplish things today.  And today was what it was. I can change it, so move on and stop fixating on it. 

I played hooky from work. That helped lower my anxiety and stress.

I am anxious and stressed because in an hour or so I am driving to Seattle to attend a conference. I know some of the presenters, and I have had class with one of the gals I am driving with, and the other is really nice. Just.. this is so risky, and not like me. Risky in that I have never been this spontaneous or daring as to get into a car a and drive and skip school, attend this unknown event really, I feel like I have no idea what I am getting into. And eat with other people, be in a hotel with people!

I am more concerned about the eating part.... freaking really. Because I want to bank on the opportunity to not bp and restrict hella.

Also, the teacher that knows about me and the eating and whom I have been conversing with and talking to, SHE WILL BE THERE!

ok, I am off to shower and do my hair, and finishing packing for the little trip
wish me the best


  1. good luck with your trip! you will get through it, and be proud of yourself for being so spontaneous. i know i have a lot of trouble with that--i also like to plan everything, and when my plans fall through (like when i sleep in, which is way too often) i get really pissed. i wish i could just pack up and go somewhere for a weekend with little notice!

  2. Good luck, wishing you all the best :) x

  3. good luck at the conference/hotel/eating, all of it.

    I can relate to getting mad at yourself when you don't do what you planned to do, but sometimes (like sleeping in) your body needs it/needs a break.

    You have such a busy life & accomplish so much, try not to beat yourself up over it.