Thursday, April 2, 2009

-REC center finally put up a schedule for the spring fit classes
-I have pretty much spent most if my time today stealing and bingeing and studying and numbing and purging
- overslept some, not really, like I wasn't late for anything but I told myself I would get up and run and get a lot done before my 11:30am appt, you know burn calories burn. But no, my slept in till 11 and failed to meet my expectations of myself once again. and then I get pissed at myself.
- I once again just make things a lot harder for myself then they need to be. 
- I just hate it when I dont do what I say I am going to do


I  had to drag myself to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get in the car and drive to therapy.
BUT.... my new person, therapist person, gave me a hug! It was the coolest thing. I am sold! I had a good chat with her. I really like how we talk about the eating disorder, but not really. The thing is... therapy gets me thinking, makes my head spin, and can bring things up I haven't wanted to think about in a long long time, or things just surfaces. So when I leave.... what do I do, I want to go and numb out.  I go and do the thing I am not suppose to be using to cope, I use my eating disorder. I am glad I went..... but.. 

ok enough with the buts... i need to just be positive and not such a downer. I did accomplish things today.  And today was what it was. I can change it, so move on and stop fixating on it. 

I played hooky from work. That helped lower my anxiety and stress.

I am anxious and stressed because in an hour or so I am driving to Seattle to attend a conference. I know some of the presenters, and I have had class with one of the gals I am driving with, and the other is really nice. Just.. this is so risky, and not like me. Risky in that I have never been this spontaneous or daring as to get into a car a and drive and skip school, attend this unknown event really, I feel like I have no idea what I am getting into. And eat with other people, be in a hotel with people!

I am more concerned about the eating part.... freaking really. Because I want to bank on the opportunity to not bp and restrict hella.

Also, the teacher that knows about me and the eating and whom I have been conversing with and talking to, SHE WILL BE THERE!

ok, I am off to shower and do my hair, and finishing packing for the little trip
wish me the best

3 comments:

  1. good luck with your trip! you will get through it, and be proud of yourself for being so spontaneous. i know i have a lot of trouble with that--i also like to plan everything, and when my plans fall through (like when i sleep in, which is way too often) i get really pissed. i wish i could just pack up and go somewhere for a weekend with little notice!

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  2. Good luck, wishing you all the best :) x

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  3. good luck at the conference/hotel/eating, all of it.

    I can relate to getting mad at yourself when you don't do what you planned to do, but sometimes (like sleeping in) your body needs it/needs a break.

    You have such a busy life & accomplish so much, try not to beat yourself up over it.

    :)

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