Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'll take the little things, over the whacked out big ones really is though, life should be all about the little moments, the little successes. Without them, one cant even get to the big stuff. If I cant enjoy the little parts of my life and day, then there is no way I will be able to enjoy all my wants, hopes, and dreams. 

Nick compliments me all the time. How much he loves my little body, my booty, how I'm sweet and beautiful, and damn sexy. His words, not mine. haha. I love it, and I say thank you. I have been working on in those moments to hear him and take it, and enjoy it. 

When he gives those compliments, to start taking everything he says and flip it to a negative. Or, "he is just lying". Over analyzing the compliments. Or saying negative things about my body right after he flatters me. 
I was talking with my teacher/mentor. And I said something for the first time that wasn't full of crap or fake. And it surprised me. I was honest, I was honest! With myself first, and with her. What I said? That I really hate my life. But it was more then the words leaving my lips, it was the way, the whole body language and intonation. I am glad I said it, to have put it out in the open how I hate my life... 

I can say whatever I what, it comes down to the action part. And we all know action is hard. And its a long journey that can be uncomfortable. But I guess its what we do with the discomfort, how we react and our actions that demonstrate out will power and internal strength. It is all about choice. For some reason, this little awareness is comforting me this morning as I type. 

I have been really beating myself up internally, and it is taking a toll. Like I said I am not enjoy life and I want to. And at what cost? I am in the process of re-prioritizing.

and weight is still not low enough, acceptable enough for me... conundrum 

1 comment:

  1. I hate my life too....totaly feel you about flipping postive comments. Good luck re-prioritizing. Life is one big bucket of shit. Hope you can work through it.