1st half day back in...

Yes to all, I am once again back in inpatient care. This time a new place. Overall, this is my 4th stay at an inpatient facility. With that being said...

Overall, I am doing alright. Dinner went by ok. Salmon, green beans, and strawberries I skipped the lunch hour because I wasnt checked in yet (ED didnt mind that). They show my weight here. Its part of their phliosohpy. Which... I am actually ok with this. I cant hide from scales forever. 108.4lbs at check in...... ok, ed was PISSED. Thats it! 108.4 Why cant I be skinnier! However, some of the patients here are in bad, bad shape. One has a colonspy bag (her colon removed... think about it!) A bag for her shit... dont know excatlly know the specfics of how that works, but wow.... and another had a heart attack at 19, was in the medical hospital for a month before she came here last week. Again... I am so blessed nothing like that has happened to me. Well... I was in a coma once (aug of 2008 for three days) but that wasnt eating disorder related. But they are scary scary looking, and I dont ever want to look like that. Or be so sick and battling this disorder so long that I have to eat puree food all the time...again gross.

Also, here at UCLA they talk calories. Like I need to pick a 150 cal snack, or so many cals at dinner. So I know excatly how many calories I am consuming.... Only 6 patients here, which is nice, and I see my individual thearpist each day, but offically meet 3 times a week for a session. I think this program is going to be alright for me. Some staff are young but nothing like the other place. And I will get use to everything. I am still feeling overwhelmed and nervous, but doing ok.

thats all for now. later beautys!

ok, so I am going to UCLA impatient on wed. yipp...eee... said with some sarcasm. treatment is soooooo expensive. But it's my life right? I'm worth this, right? OK course I am.. but its still a lot of moollla.

i cant even count the number of times I purged today. too many. But I did keep in the protein smoothie I made, and the frozen yogurt with the fixings. The second is to my disappointment. I was just too late in purging to get it out.

me going back inpatient is a blessing. Not just for the containment of the purging that got out of control but it just shows that under stress what did I do? I went back to purging. There are still issues that need dealt with. And I still need to learn how to eat like a normal person. ANd not binge, and purge, and starve. Or care so darn much about my weight. At UCLA I will get therapy three times a week which I am actually excited about. And its suppose to be an overall round the clock good program. I just hope its not like the other inpatient place where I have gone and the workers are younger then me. and like in their 20's. Grant it I am only 23 but still...

ok, my packing is 95% complete. Just have to load my bathroom stuff. And my car mostly loaded. I have to drive tomorrow morning to LA to pick up my dad, then we hang out at the hotel the rest of the afternoon till wed 8am I am admitted. I'm nervous......

words for thought

104lbs i think, who knows.

words for thought

I started out this morning all psyched about recovery. Did well and stayed busy up till a hour hour ago. Then i did a mini lunch, plus binge. it was the blue cheese on the salad that did it over my edge. Not sure why. I a was just really eating what a normal meal would be but somehow I made it "too much" in my mind so it had to be purged. And now as I sit here typing, I want more food just to purge it up. I know I am going impatient on wednesday as long as my insurance will cover it, which I am 75% sure it is. Yet I wonder the what ifs. I had been good about not purging up until a week ago. I even spent 16 dollars yesterday on binge food. And ate alone in my car, which I said I wouldn't do. What did I relapse. I think my disease or disorder whatever you like to call it is screaming.. why not, because this is last chance, you are going into the hospital again, you might as well bp. Lose weight. why not, you know you want to. i hate that voice, but its a love hate relationship.