120.5lbs this am

But I went snow shoeing with my dad this afternoon and it was a glorious day. I miss my CA weather... I did a small purge on friday afternoon (ate a bunch of halloween candy and felt the need to get rid of it). Other than that incident, I am having a blast at home living with my parents, and the holidays went smooth sailing. I am getting geared up for student teaching that starts in about a week and a half, after the new year on the 6th. I'm nervous about student teaching but excited to0. I'm eating alright, just want to get back into shape and feel good about my body. I am a bridesmaid in my older sisters wedding on the 20th of March 2010. I am trying to look trim, not sickly skinny like before, just firm and toned and flexible and have some muscles and weigh around 110-112lbs.

if it wasn't for my journaling and my blogging, I wouldn't know what to do. It's whats keeping me sane these days. I don't have therapy set up yet and I don't ever get a chance to process. So to bed I go.

happy christmas!

still no binge or purge, most importantly no purge. My last was on sunday December 20th. I regret though eating as much as I have been. Good thing I am not weighing myself other wise I think I would turn a trick and purge. Hooray for me

119.5, and dad made me pancakes and turkey sausage this am. My folks are constantly hounding on me to eat. "You should have a snack. Isn't it time for you to eat something. You need more proteins. IS that all you are going to eat.?" And believe me, I am not restricting by any means, I am sticking to a meal plan and doing my best. My last purge was on sunday. I am calorie conscience, but its not obsessive. ok, just needed to vent

122lbs on moms scale, ate a ton today, but I am finally back at my parents, home for good! I havent been here since late september. shit, I hate weighing this much. 10lbs to lose to be myself. 112 is ok, right?

Im not doing so hot. And I feel like it is tattooed to my forehead, and everyone sees it, and is whispering behind my back, and talking under their breathe. As if they are looking down on me, scolding me almost. I've had some lapses if not a full blown relapse. Purging again. A binge or two, the binges have been kept to 2-3 in a week and 1/2, but I have resorted to purging. I guess on the good note, I have times in the same time frame where I was able to talk myself out of a binge and or out of a purge. Think Think Think is an AA slogan, but heck it words for those who suffer like me with an eating disorder. For instance, after purging twice and standing at the toliet bowl to purge once again (just consumed ice cream cake and like 20 sour patch kids candy (not the whole bag!) and it dawned on me. I dont have to purge. I dont have to keep this cycle. I dont want this. And I walked away. Grant it I am tossing and turning, find trouble with sleeping tonight, but its worth it. Ill get threw it.