yippeee!

I was accepted to give a presentation at the CEC conference in Nashville Tennessee next spring break!!!!!! This is an amazing feat considering I am still an undergrad! Not many get accepted. I am so freaking excited... if you cant tell.

On to other things, weight. 108.7. This I am ok with. I ate my little granola soy milk with half a banana breakfast with the coffee and water with no problem this morning. Breakfast is usually my easiest of meals. My meals are 450cals each and snacks (which I have twice a day) are 150 calories. I try not to think about it too much, not to dwell on it but thats my reality. Out of the hospital I was eating around 300 calories and purging the rest. Since I have been at UCLA I have not purged, and only had the urge and thought maybe twice. I get to pick what I eat, but I have to get the caloric amount I have been set to by the dietitian. The dietitian has been at UCLA for 30 years. Today I am going to ask my therapist about getting recreational therapy approved. From what I have been told by another patient, during rec therapy i can lift weights go for walks or a short run. Who knows really but anything outside of my unit walls is fantastic. Just this little break I am having now helps, simply writing and emailing or playing a game of online tetris gives me some relief and a little smile.

AWW sweet. the nurse just brought me my nicatine gum. I love that stuff. I never really smoked a bunch, just a little for about 5 months and then I discoverd the gum and I love it more then the cigs! I think I am addicted to the gum now. lol.

signing off- the gleeful robs

I get weighed in tomorrow. I already am nauseated just thinking about it. And I was a bad patient today. I hid food at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at my hs snack. I am going to confess in a bit and am not sure what the consequences will be but my guilt is killing me. Well.. my healthy voice is the one confessing, my disease voice is telling me to not tell, because then I will have to stop. But isnt that what I want to do? To get better? But I don't want to gain weight. Honestly, my ed voice wants the scale to say I lost weight tomorrow. How do I make this ed voice go away for good. My ed voice is seeing the skinny bony girl with the peg tube in her stomach as an idle. I keeping wanting to use the word "I" but I am practicing separating my eating disorder from the real me, the healthy me that one day wants children and my own home and a dog and a career. My disease voice has been haunting me in the night when I pace in the hospital, when I hid my food today. The taste of that disease is still lingers and is still yummy. I still crave it. It tells me that when I get out of here I can be that skinny 94lb woman. I still dont understand why. Why it tells me this. What is it that I am afraid of. I am scared to grow up and face the real challenges in life. I am terrified. I think I am hiding in my disease because of this. I think thats why I still want to stay sick. Part of me wants to discharge so that I can be a better anorexic and get that skinny bony look. But what does that prove if I do reach that weight, that outward appearance? I dont have the answer yet. Why am I scared to be healthy? Is it that I am afraid my dreams wont happen? Is it that I might fail, or be miserable? Id rather hurt others before they hurt me. And Id rather blame a sickness then my my true healthy self and have nothing to blame for all the pain and misfortunes, and the disappointments. I think I am holding on to this eating disorder simply out of fear. Though my therapist here at UCLA is focusing so much on my trauma past, I really dont believe thats why I have an eating disorder. Sure it has some impact, but other factors play roles too. Like my extreme desire to be liked and approved of. And how I crave attention. And what about my shoplifting addiction. That needs to be addressed.

thats all for now. Hope all is well with you, may some peace and serenity find you tonight. Sleep well everyone

I have to say, some of the male doctors are gorgeous and yummy to look at here on the campus. UCLA is a beautiful campus.

So my first night here I had a terrible nightmare. The full on sweats and screaming. A nightmare where you know you are dreaming but for the life of you you get wake yourself up. I dont remember the details of the dream. I only remember the male night staff person waking me up. It was awful.

Things around here are pretty strict but at the same time laid back. I am getting a lot of individual care and attention which I think is going to make this program work for me. I, am trying to take it moment to moment, and nice and slow, at a pace I can handle. Just enjoying my good moments, and riding out the moments that are uncomfortable and uneasy. Like now. I finished breakfast, and am antsy and really really want to go run or sign myself out so I dont have to eat another meal. But I am not going to. So far I am very compliant and am following all the rules and guidelines. As well as being very proactive in my recovery. Its only day 2 but I giving it my best.

Ok, thats all for now. Have a good day at work for those who work, and those who at studying, good luck with classes.. Talk to you later!Love, Robs